Second marriages…

Years ago, i was having lunch with my dad (may he rest in peace) and his wife who is a very dear friend of mine.

Apparently he liked the food, the Nile view restaurant and the company, so he started talking about the past…things that went on with his life…the ups and the downs…the mistakes…

I always enjoyed his little chats with me…his colorful walks down memory lane…he was real…raw…and kind.

He paused a second and asked me: Do you think i should have done better when it comes to my marriage/divorce/ handling the whole kids issue??

I was then in a phase of my life when i started to see things and life differently…not the eyes of a kid who missed her dad…but with the eyes of a person that is starting to figure out how weired life is and how people are victims and monsters all at the same time.

I answered: well, I understand NOW why the mistakes were done and how difficult it was to not do them…it is a hard life daddy…but if we know now what we’ve known then…

He said: Let me tell you something…although i see NOW clearly how mistakes were built…where i have gone wrong and where have others gone wrong, If i would rewind my life…I am positive i would have done the same all over again.

I gazed at him…I didn’t get it…he explained:

We are made by the little and big things we do…the things that are done to us…the people who step all over us and the people we step over them…we weave each other’s characters this way…you would be someone else but this ROOSH if the slightest thing would change in your life…and me too…you are who you are because of the hurt, joy, legacy and suffering you’ve experience…and so do i…

Rasha, I know i shouldn’t have hurt your mom…I know I should’ve not have marries B. and I know I should’ve dealt with you and my kids differently but i also know that i didn’t know better…I did the best i knew how…and this is life…for me and you and everyone.

I smiled and said: but your present wife N. is really good…you have done that right…

He agreed and we changed subjects.

Maybe when years pass by and we experience life long enough we would judge the past honestly…we will know the truth behind our desires and conflicts…

My dad passed away three years ago and I don’t remember now the struggles i lived thoroughly as i grew up…I only remember the good things and they are many…many enough to last till the day i die…

As I try to choose the best…act my best…decide what’s best…I remember that it may not turn out to be the best for people related to me…I just hope i could have the kind spirit dad had so that my kindness would be what lasts for me.

We all have the right to try and fail and try again…we have the right to change our minds about people or decisions…we should be proud of the freedom Allah granted us…we should indulge it…and try live…passionately from the heart and with good intentions…no numbers, banknotes or property should have any place in our hearts…in our minds maybe…not hearts…as in hearts love lives…

In matters of the heart no one can blame…no one has the right to blame nor judge…conversations we have where we say: how could you choose to marry that man/ woman?? you are mistaken to divorce or even cruel notes like: you shouldn’t have had kids with that man/ woman, is mere absurdness…

We can’t…we just can’t…we live…experience and try our best.

Just our best.