Growing what?!!!

Right this minute they are gathered in the meeting room to discuss my demands…The rights I have worked so hard for.

I spoke in action and now they get to speak in signatures.

All I’m doing is running scenarios in my head.

If they say yes, I would feel amazingly recognized and appreciated.

If they said no??! If they compromised???!!!

I found the answer after getting mad for just thinking the option…I thought, If they didn’t give me what i deserve, would i quit like i did one year ago at exactly the same time and after exactly the same meeting???

Regardless of the fact that after i quit last year they hovered around me demanding my return…and then they had to recognize my achievements around the company.

Would I repeat that and let myself go all proud and mad and leave??

Well, no…I won’t…not until i find a better job at a better place with a better attitude.

I won’t get mad instantly but i will search for a bigger position and then I will leave.

Is that growing more responsible ( i won’t get mad and leave a job that supports my kids) or am i growing weaker??!!!

Big question and only time will answer that.

 

Scenarios are a waste of time and effort if they were over thought. that’s why I’m wrapping it up now and will wait till the meeting room door opens and everything is clear.

 

Good Luck Roosh, you’ve done great 🙂

 

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It is not a matter of trust

Will save the post the few extra lines concerning the flashbacks and Intro and I will jump right into the point that I need to put aside.

 

I’ve been having a strong tendency to test people I cared about enough to have them in my life or  people I can’t help but let them have the most minor presence in my life…friends and family members (mostly males) who shower me with brag and promises that they are the most wonderful giving considerate and supportive people ever!

 

They don’t have it in them and i know it and i see it and i realize they go on and on and on about how they are willing to do this and that for me and how they are not like those people who let their loved ones down …they keep provoking me to put their words to the test and see who’s really up to it and honest and who’s not.

 

90% of them failed simple requests of help and support ( sorry, but they’re fake requests).

  I have certain facts I’d like to include here to make the picture clear:

– I have never asked anyone for anything and I never show I’m desperate over something, simply because I try not to let things rule me.

– They are pretty sure of the above.

– It is not a trust issue…on the contrary I am someone who believes in kindness and goodness from all people till i see otherwise and even then i always have an excuse ready for them that allows me to love them as they are.

– Why have i done the testing??? I was provoked by over showing how wonderful they are…over repeating how different they are…especially that last one…the minute someone describes him/herself as different…I know I’ll be seeing the contrary.

– I’m positive of this: no one loves and cares for real  show off or keep rubbing it against you…love and care and devotion come naturally and smoothly because it’s from some one’s heart…someone spirit.

– After the failing, do i keep them away and stop loving them?? No, actually i know the excuses and i feel just sorry…I’m not a big fan of judging to the extent of shutting someone out…I know some one’s nature…put it in mind…never get high expectations from them and that’s it…most of the time nothing changes.

– Do I think it’s a nice thing to do,to test someone? Actually no… although I never hurt or embarrass any of them…as far as they know ( which is true really ) I understand.

 

I never needed tremendous amounts of friends around me…most of the time one close pal is  more than enough, again because I’m not big on letting my laundry ( dirty or not ) be included in someone Else’s diary…yet i never cut with a friend unless i sense there’s a mutual need to do that…even then, we have to check on one another every now and then.

 

I learned that good people are the only worthy thing in this world.

I learned that no one can deliver all i want at all time…we all have stresses and circumstances…besides, this is what real friendship is…putting up with each other’s wackoes.

 

What I wanted to highlight by this is:

I need no promises of giving and caring  from you, If I loved you, I’ll love you as you are…and I  promise to love,care and support you the best i know how.

 

Here and now…NOW!

I’ve been taught that focusing on Here and Now makes a huge difference in my perspective.

Here and Now is really tricky…is it the here and now as a phase…as a moment…or as an emotional status??!!

Then I thought, what about planning?!

Most people plan ahead…for their careers, for their kids…the future and rainy days!

And I too think about those and regardless of the fact that every time i stop for just a moment to think about the future and what rainy days might bring, I do panic…regardless of all that i can’t help planning…short, careful plans…nothing that is overwhelming could find a place in my calendar.

Yet, I’m attracted by the whole Here and Now concept.

I can make my kids have a good time now…I can make my mom happy now.

If i save up for a rainy day in one or ten years…I might not live to give them that then.

So, Life and how exciting and frightening it is confuse me and I loose focus just to find myself running to that Here and Now spot and i pin my feet on its secure grounds.

 

 

 

A sunday to vent



  • Eno has been my friend for the past ten years or maybe more…we have the understanding, our set of jokes and we know each other inside out…we are so close at times of crisis and when we are forced to be distant. Just like now as she left the country for a scholarship…now, her being far is bringing us closer. That’s weired if you ask me but, as we always are, this is me and this is her and that’s the way it is…so, we are that type of friends…I might not see her for months although we live five minutes apart…but, Enka, I already miss you already.


  • I have this thing with cutting a cake and presenting it. I noticed that in the West they’d give you a piece of a cake laying on it’s side…I would cut you a piece and plate it standing in the normal positions where all the frosting appears and not smudged…If it’d fall i would set it straight again. I wondered why we are different…Is it an east and west perspective?? I wondered, then I got it…hurray! They slice it thin…we take quarter of a cake each…of course theirs won’t stand…it’s so thin…it has no butt to rest onto…while we…ohhhh, we have the butts alright.


  • Speaking of food…no, I had no cake since the birthday party Inso threw me…yet, Quiting the smokes, freezing weather and having long vacations have caused (all excuses i know) despicable seizures of chocolate, marshmallow and…chocolate indulgence…Oh, and speaking of that…I have to greet Dear Inso for the amazing night companionship of six seasons of Scrubs to level my depression a bit.


  • I did vent out during the weekend, I did at some point decide to spare myself the headache of discussing a subject I really care about – when i care i get hyper tension – when i know it won’t lead to anything or with someone that won’t get it…yet, I lack self control at times…I got the hyper tension and the headache and l3ant salsafeel elly gabo ahl el discussions elly fe eldonia…what really amazes me is the amount of Jerks who feel arrogant enough to add to their jerkness a pile of crap by being condescending…kaman!!!


  • My kids hate my new hair color…kids are honest and simple so they simply gave me an honest opinion…they said: Mama, loon sha3rek we7esh awi ( your hair color is ugly ) and they had a confused look on their faces. thing is, a while ago i thought i’d refresh things with spicing up the contrast a bit and giving myself a darker shade of hair…i did, it came out black…it’s a shock to say the least…it was dramatic…Adams family kind of dramatic…had to get Mama’s saying on the matter, she said: rabena khala2 el blonds and el brunettes and khala2 ma3ahom a character to match…this is not you. yes, mom, it’s not…and change can’t be that severe…and no one can change who they really are… not even for the sake of more spice or more drama. and now I’m talking about life…not the hair.


  • I have a friend in Gaza. It’s a group i joined because i do have a friend in Gaza…My friend in Gaza doesn’t hate Egyptians, doesn’t exaggerate, doesn’t mislead others although he is the one suffering the long cold dark nights and taking all the fighter jets and its missiles. He knows we have a foolish crappy government, but he also knows that people of countries are helpless in so many ways….Now, people around the Arab world and within Egypt…people who are enjoying the comfort of their warm luxurious homes…watching hayfa on their LCD and driving around safe streets in their fancy cars are judging Egyptians, hating Egyptians and cursing Egyptians. I believe my point is obvious, I will not explain no more.


  • I have a brat for a boss and although the motherhood flooding in me can take his childish annoying behaviour…but not that childish nor that annoying behaviour. so, I smell a fight in the air…when he decides to come by the office sometime for a change and handle some work of course!!!!

East, West…who’s best- not!!?

Arabs who are really Arabs.

Arabs who don’t really like being Arabs.

Arabs who have no Idea that they are Arabs.

Non Arabs who want to be counted as Arabs…well, skip that one, that’s bull!!

 

It is just dumb.

you see, being an Arab is like being Chinese…no matter where you’re raised, what name you have, how many curses in English, french or even Hindu you can blabber…you’ll never get rid of those eyes…you know!

It’s dumb to speak English all the time, in your ARAB country…among your ARAB friends…with no reason whatsoever…calling your self openminded…drag your belt-less half ass pants everywhere showing unnecessary unreasonable amount of your boxers and sniffing around Americans and Europeans because you know that around other twisted similar minds you are being cool…free…cultured and what not!

I Never, Never saw any western fellow that fascinated by other nationalities or identities but their own…I’ve never seen an American talking in french all the time…nor a french lady speaking Italian without a good reason.

You know why??? simple. because they are not twisted in the head as they know Language is a TOOL for the love of God…they know it’s a way to communicate in a foreign country or among foreign friends…just like taking a plane to go to Japan…Language is means…just means.

Just like blogging in English for the sake of reaching to different people around the world as it is a popular language is the – and must – reason why many Arabs do it…It would be sad to do it for being more alienated to your OWN language more than you are to a language that belongs to other countries…DUH!!

 

Now, ranting that out I’ve got to say this:

If we can’t be comfortable in our own skin and authenticity, we will never be able to make any sense…anywhere.

Now, It’s not about which is best, east or west…It’s about what is best…accepting oneself or forging someone Else’s identity…cause buddy, you will never be one of them…in their eyes…you will eventually end up with nothing.

And an unidentified spirit is a meaningless one.

 

Deal with this then talk politics please. Get your priorities and loyalty right then point fingers, analyse situations and suggest who’s fault it is, Hamas, Mubarak or Israel.

 

Have a soloution? Apply it yourself first.

 

Or else, Go Rap!!

 

  

A year away

It is another kind of reality for me, a new type.

 

When every type of incidents in life would occure at the same time and along the same day.

 

The strangest thing was being able to cope with it all.

 

Laughing the laughs, working while relaxing in a boat in the middle of the Nile, admiring charisma and charm of a picture enough to feel nurtured by a respectable amount of macho ism, Concentrating as much as possible to take all the knowledge i could, then cursing the heck out of someone who’d burned my heart, then getting exposed to a profound flood of art that filled up my senses with beauty and hope…surrendering my heart to a seven stringer to play all tunes of pain, love and joy.

 

And most of all, allowing myself to have the privilege of sharing all that with a ” just right ” friend…and, for the first time in my life, not hoping for anything or anyone else.

 

This is how I spent the last day of the last year. 

 

All the negativity of 2008 was torn into little pieces and thrown in the wind.

 

All the positivity and what’s in the heart is cherished somewhere tucked away till that day, Inshallah, when we would remember to unfold it, and that’s only a year away.

HATE

I am experiencing hate.

I hate facts for being so disgusting, I hate people for being so lame, I hate myself because i am as lame, I hate the government for being a bunch of sissies, I hate that old fart coward man who hides his shameful soul behind high walls.

 

Like every massacre and injustice in history…people get killed…people protest…people plan for some attack…people rebel…but also, every massacre in history had resistance and came time to conquer.

 


 

In Gaza case…

They are splitting internally…they are incompetent…they have no half ass jets, bombs and missiles to fight back….no resources…no help from neighbors as they are busy.

you see, neighbor countries are in their holes scared to do anything but take pictures for the press to prove mere existence…rich and powerful within those countries are busy getting richer, getting fucked, plotting against each other or against hot chicks…they won’t pay attention to a small country trapped under the Israeli fire.

 

A country that is surrounded from all sides by arab countries that share the laguage, religions and identity ( as if…)…such neighbors could erase the cruel existance of israel in a day if…IF…they wanted to.

 

OK, I have thought about the children of Israel…the people who don’t support the politics and the killing…but, please, why the hell are they doing there living in Israel if they hate the invasion/ injustice and tyrany their government is practicing.

Jews have the whole WORLD to live in like they always did…so, taking a piece of palestanian land calling it their own then protest against Israel for its policy is…este3bat…and there’s no other word that could describe that…ESTE3BAT!!!!

 

 

Now, the everlasting unbearable incomprehensive question…what can I do?? really and actually…just rant it out here, experience feelings of hate…proclaim my core lameness…mumble a praying or two…cuss all i want…then, receive a business phone call or shout at my kids…long for a long lost love…tune to FM…count my money and rant my budget.

 

Protests in Egypt have reached the presidency palace…something that hadn’t happened since King farouk…Poeple are angry…but who is that angry:

Mostly, university students…because they haven’t yet been crushed in the cruel mill of the country with responsibilities and tough money earning…they still don’t have to drag their sorry asses to work or else no food will be put on their kids’ table.

They are still free willed…they are still brave at heart…the hearts that are still filled with hope and strangth and wishes…while actually, If this government stayed the same…they will not have much hope any more

 

 

So, about hate….

What’s going on?!!

It is absolutely not fair to rant my heart out and not record – while keeping my heart in – what has been going on LIVE from my world.

 

Hassan’s P.E Cruel teacher gave him a candy yesterday.

 

Work is chaotic at that time of year…Finalizing a zillion things right before the new year is just crazy.

 

I am enjoying – for the past two nights – a new skill, to fall asleep instead of thinking sad thoughts.

 

Have been nicotine free for the past 19 days…I never decided to quit, it just happened.

 

An Accounting course within the MBA is starting today…have i mentioned i dislike numbers?!!

 

It will be one busy schedule…all i think of is that it would be fine to take my mind off things…lots of things.

 

My music is pending due to some idiotic actions, I’m not as hungry towards it as i was a month ago…and I’m willing to pause.

 

I’m looking forward to a fresh morning and a new gloominess-less day…someday soon.

 

Have a nice day 🙂 

 

 

About friends and love and when it’s too late

This might be the first time in two years I actually do remember – on my own – something in details about my late marriage. As defence I guess I haven’t been able to have detailed memories of the man I spent eight years of my life with…Maybe it was part of the healing or…well, won’t go through reasons now. All I know is that i had to be asked or stirred by someone to remember stuff about him…not my life and how it hurt loosing parts of myself everyday, only him…his detailed features, his scent, his voice and what he meant to me.

 

Only tonight…a while ago and while watching a movie called Made of honor have i thought about my past marriage.

See, The movie is about how best friends turned out to be just right for each other and about how it is never too late to try gain your right to have the right person for you against all odds.

Thinking about it i found myself relating…My ex-Husband was a childhood friend…I loved him as a friend all my life, he was a little older than me so when i was about four he was about eight and understood that i belong to him even among the family…never thought we would end up together except when he first proposed and that was when i was 25, he knew how to get to me…after all we were friends and he knew about my keys especially that being me…I’ve always been the open book.

I felt loved, i was attracted strongly and my mind on the other hand told me – due to certain circumstances – that he is safe to be the one…there would be no surprises…he promised love and security in life and paradise after life…religion, which i was desperate to attain was his profession then and him being the European educated cultured man who spent most of his life abroad made me certain he won’t be a bigot…he was perfect having it all….I agreed and was in a rush about it…no one around me opposed except for dad but his reason was only about money and money never meant a thing to me…especially back then…my dad was a man of democracy and he let me do what i want.

On the night of signing the marriage contract and telling the vows, to my surprise…I felt like chocking and couldn’t stop crying…I felt driven…I couldn’t stop even when i felt something was wrong…everyone was there and I had to let things complete…I kept crying and couldn’t stop my self…my dad looked at me and his eyes watered himself yet he said no word…mom the same…the thought of asking for time to breath and gather what was wrong with me did crossed my mind but I didn’t have the guts to say a word…just surrendered to the tantrum and in a couple of minutes it was all over.

the very next day things happened and I asked him to call the whole thing off…he worked his way around it and we kept going…a push and i kept going…then adapted to a new status…

A year after, we were ready to act upon that contract we signed, moved to a home and started a family…on that night and while heading for a hotel to spend two nights of honeymooning…I had the tantrum again and couldn’t stop the sob…the limo driver was really uncomfortable but had to shut up as my ex didn’t say a word to me nor did any gesture there was something wrong…days went by and a year later I had more reasons than I would like to remember to make me positive that i did the mistake of my life marrying him…Had already had my first kid and I had to give the kid and the picture perfect a try…and more tries along the years…when i was chronically Ill and drained out of my life…I collected what remained of me – and that wasn’t much – and gathered my two kids around me and firmly ended it.

Moral of the story, not that best friends don’t do great partners because they do…Actually i believe that the perfect lover has to be a very good friend…the moral of the story is, It is never too late to acknowledge an instinct pounding a message in your head saying you want out…that although your spouse must be your friend, your friend can’t be your spouse without feeling he’s Mr. Right…not that even that couldn’t go wrong…after all, no one can predict what lies on the other side of the Nile…

Ironically, long time after that I realized what true love feels like, how Mr. Right fills the world with passion and how harmony and compatibility could sweep a woman off her feet yet she’d be so awakened to every glimpse of fact about him and how does it feel to have him feel the same thing exactly about that woman while sharing the same rhythm and the same taste.

yet, It wasn’t in the cards to last…This time I followed an instinct alright…the instinct of doing the right thing and never saying it was too late to mend…It’s never to late to do what feels right…even if it means living all my life longing for that continuous echo in my heart to be brought back to life.

 

Life, a Jukebox…and no one can pick the song.