last night

Last night and after work i had an appointment with her again, it was 18:30 and my appointment was at 20:00 so i headed down town, parked the car somewhere with a miracle as it’s always jammed and walked around the block to find myself a coffee shop near the AUC.

As i walked down the shiny streets full of the remains of the rainy couple of days beforeآ that head of mine started to flow some thoughts into me…not loud annoying thoughts…comforting smooth realizations.

I remembered the first time i walked down that street more than two years ago…i was trembling…scared of people…trying to watch myآ steps as i always felt like falling…

last night i felt comfort and harmony…i looked up to the sky…it wasn’t pitch black…it was still cloudy so the moon light made amazing gray shapes with silver shades that reflected here and there…i felt part of a waltz…of a wave of breeze taking me and all the people walking with so much living brought by their breaths, heart beats and foot steps rocking the ground softly.

I felt hope and a crunchy cheer brought by the crunchy cold weather.

A thought of the new phase i decided to begin crossed my mind and i smiled at the thought that I’m practicing my freedom to take a risk and follow a willآ …for a moment iآ pan-iced…fear hit me again…visions of failing…of loosing everything i hadآ …i shook them a way and found the coffee shop sign to distract the fear.

I walked in..the place is so small and warm yet so crowded…i found a high chair…i sat down, ordered a nice cup of hot chocolate …got out the book i wanted to read…it was The Zahirآ …itآ was an advice from her to read itآ and it was one of the most revealing experiences I’ve ever had…what is tricky about this book is that – in my personal opinion -it would only affect those who haveآ a certainآ experience and way of thinking…those who can walk throughآ mud up to their fancy blouses to reach their destination with a smile on their faces…anyway, i engaged in the words i was readingآ …sipped my drink slowly…felt so warm…till it was about time to pay the check and head to my appointment.

Enjoying the streets, the air, the feeling and walking …i took the long way to her to walk even more and remembered Mohamed mounir’s song….edaya fe gyoobi o’ albi tereb…7ases bghorba bas mesh meghtereb ( hands in my pocket and my heart is singing…feelingآ alone but not lonely ) started to hum it when i reached her office.

I don’t know what brought my dad up when we were talking, but a certain memory flashed in my eyes…his silk Parisian shit and his great black hair when he visited my school 28 years ago…i can still smell his perfume and hear his voice and laughs as he talked to the headmistress and how they were all grinning so wide as he showered them with money…how did they take it and why was he positive that they’d take it…is a question that made me dislike that day yet cling to each memory of my sweet kind charming dad.

We talked about my new phase and i explained the way i feel about the whole thing and what i felt as i walked to our appointment.

Fear was a word repeated by me more than once which caught her attention so she asked me: have you feared something before?

I said: sure!

She said: and ??!

I said: Did my thing anyway.

She said: and??!

I said: fear diminished and i succeed.

She said: are you sure it diminished? you stop ed fearing ..period!?

I said: well no, but i kept on doing what used to scare me and it didn’t scare me anymore.

She Said: fear has a bad reputation that makes people hate it…but know this…if you had fear as your friend, your success is guaranteed!

I said: fear makes me restless..makes me want to give my best and excel so i wouldn’t fail…but it’s a very hurtful feeling.

She said: who said success or life with all it’s aspects aren’t about hurt?! it’s the most basic human feeling…the drive to survive…peopleآ who live the myth of the desire to achieve comfort in a certain wayآ loose so much of their spirits…she paused for a few seconds and asked me:What do you want? for you and only you?

I answered with a long listآ of five or six goals.

She asked again: Can a shooter aim for more than one target and make the hit?!

I answered: A shooter can’t but i can…i will try because i have no more time to waste.

She said: Can you sum all of the goals up in one?? well, even if you can’t, go ahead!

As we were about to say good bye she asked me: have you ever thought about performing?? acting i mean??

I laughed and said, no way!!

She laughed too and said: well, why don’t you try…play it with your kids…with friends maybe..

I laughed again and asked : and that would manifest what??

She laughed even more this time and said: you’ll feel it then so i said laughing: well, I’ve always wanted to sing but that would ruin my career 😀

She said: well, you can die fulfilled or die otherwise…it’s your choice!

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4 thoughts on “last night

  1. Hi ,

    I also get these feelings from time to time and I don’t really get how and why do they float in my thoughts like this .. I mean out of the blue!. The loosing of everything is a common feeling and it drives me to think a lot , I hope i would work more to make it diminish just like you do . Those who are blessed like you (have Hassan and Jojo !) fear everything and always work hard in order look after them … Look at it fro the other side and you will find you are happiest ever in masr!

    The hardest question when you don’t know what to do is: what are we going to do next??? GOD , I hate this question a lot coz I am so systematic or linear in order to avoid taking chances. I can’t imagine I would ever be so linear so to run a systematic way of living …. I fear a lot of things but I always face what comes up at the end , with or against my will… So at the end , I answer the question of what to do next with : Aha , lets see , what if we do this and …. etc ..

    Think on the spot and run full throttle! Que sera sera !

    Now to the puzzle , are you dating mother Tereza ?

    Take good care

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  2. Yes fadi, those like me who are blessed with hassan and jojo fear extremely…but cause also i’m blessed with you i get that freindly smile and assuring words 🙂
    May allah bless u, mrs.K and khalaf 😛
    about the puzzel…kinder than mother tereza 😉

    Like

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