I’ve been stronger lately…I manage through the night without crying, I stop memories from aching me and i keep my distance from every trace of it.

Although i have more time now to wallow in sadness and regret all i want.

I remember few months ago when i was working 14 hours a day minimum yet i couldn’t get it off of my head day and night…drives to and from work witnessed lots of tears and heartache.

It’s the decision i made without even stating it loud and clear in my mind…I don’t want to have anyone or anything in my life except for my work and kids.

I don’t know if it’s possible to decide such a thing…but i did.

Years ago i was sad over a failed marriage…after that i was aching for never having the love I’ve always dreamt about, the emptiness killed me…then i was given what i strived for andآ the feelingآ was beyond my wildest dreams that it blinded me toآ a disastrous situationآ and i ended up shattered.

I guess i learned…and may be I’ve had enough and that’s why i don’t want anything of that kind anymore.

what’s left is some traces here and there that showers me with mixed feelings- like the feelings I’m having now- yet time passes by and I manage to distract myself pretty well.

It’s skill i wish i had before…when to focus and when to loose it when i need to.

It’s hard, hard to look the other way when voices, flags and hands grab your attention their way…it’s hard to stop LIVE memories from weakeningآ your will…hard to choose not to access a wide opened door…hard to stop every song or piece of music the minute it starts cause u know it’s gonna hurt.

Hard, but will be done!

and tomorrow will be a new day Inshallah.


Good night.





3 thoughts on “Decision

  1. I must say that I was struck by how you answer comments cheerfully.

    So concentrate on the bright side. The marriage succeeded in giving you the kids you like so much.

    I’m not a religious man, but Allah Y2aweeki.


  2. Allah yekremak ya hani..
    good thing u weren’t around when i splashed depression all around…u would’ve hated this blog and never clicked its link again 😀


  3. Hi there .. Long time 🙂

    Well, I think this is what they call achievement! Stand alone system!

    Look at yourself and be proud of all of this , achievement is success .. so you naja7ty 🙂

    Wallow in the mayer .. You use musical words that shake my head Caller!!

    Come to Jordan so I teach you how to play an electric guitar .. or at least help you where to find one .. This is called Solution providing .. kolloh business be business 😉



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