I’ve been stronger lately…I manage through the night without crying, I stop memories from aching me and i keep my distance from every trace of it.
Although i have more time now to wallow in sadness and regret all i want.
I remember few months ago when i was working 14 hours a day minimum yet i couldn’t get it off of my head day and night…drives to and from work witnessed lots of tears and heartache.
It’s the decision i made without even stating it loud and clear in my mind…I don’t want to have anyone or anything in my life except for my work and kids.
I don’t know if it’s possible to decide such a thing…but i did.
Years ago i was sad over a failed marriage…after that i was aching for never having the love I’ve always dreamt about, the emptiness killed me…then i was given what i strived for andآ the feelingآ was beyond my wildest dreams that it blinded me toآ a disastrous situationآ and i ended up shattered.
I guess i learned…and may be I’ve had enough and that’s why i don’t want anything of that kind anymore.
what’s left is some traces here and there that showers me with mixed feelings- like the feelings I’m having now- yet time passes by and I manage to distract myself pretty well.
It’s skill i wish i had before…when to focus and when to loose it when i need to.
It’s hard, hard to look the other way when voices, flags and hands grab your attention their way…it’s hard to stop LIVE memories from weakeningآ your will…hard to choose not to access a wide opened door…hard to stop every song or piece of music the minute it starts cause u know it’s gonna hurt.
Hard, but will be done!
and tomorrow will be a new day Inshallah.