A bed next to the window

It’s like reversing a scene of a rock being thrown toآ shake the calmness of a lake…the rock is leaving the turbulent lake to it’s calmness.

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Rocked by many thoughts, little events of passion, new people, old people and job related stresses, was howآ things have been going on with me for the past couple of months…I didn’t have the time or will to slow down and revise…I missed my lifetime habit of analysing everything; as at one point I decided – again – that change is good…that I’ve seen enough of overwhelming events and what is mereآ silly to exhaust my soul.

I wanted to return to blank mind pages and simple feelings accompanied by simple expression and sharing.

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Won’t regret the decision nor what I’ve experienced while testing those shallow/ deep waters ( Depends!! )…I had the healthy dose of regret ( a few minutes: a day max.)

I will just acknowledge the experience…will Indulge on the lessons I’ve been taught…yes yes…I have to admit for ethical reasons…I didn’t dig for those lessons…They have been shoved up my BRAINS!

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But toآ allow closure to that short termed experience, there are a lot of acceptance to handle…and I had theآ past three days to come to terms with those…I, first, felt down…disappointed…defeated…then, my ego aroused from the depth and declared getting in charge…the mind is in control now and the inner feelings that wished for things to go in a certain path retreated to a nice white and bubbly cocoon…I welcomed that…as energy was by all means runningآ too many empty alerts for me to disregard.

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Mind was in charge and there was no way my will could be evasiveآ andآ would try to push it away fromآ the leading position as sickness hit my physique.

I have those tendencies…when my feelings and spirit get beaten…the body does too…and at similar timesآ ridiculous thoughts of diets and slimming sound so fake…as bodiesآ could get so ill…could get so buried…and nothing would have importance anymore.

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Three days in bed…Surrounded by adorable tender kids…I never saw them as kind…maybe because I’ve almost lost hope in pure kindness elsewhere that now iآ see greatness in those tiny hands andآ warm little hugs.

Three days in bed…long hours of analysis and rewinding absurdness that came out of my mouth after being felt as raw as my pounding heart.

Three days toآ figure out how would i neglect love and beg for another…the rolling of the dice…and the rolling of the wheels and the rolling of the heart…

Three days to wonder if i had any right to get disappointed at the first place…If i present to the world what i need or what i think it needs?!! Is my logic understandable??? or, have i been delusional and basically i lack logic???

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It is like choosing not to brag what you’ve read or the scientific expressions you’ve always used ( mom taught me that whenآ i was ten ) because it inhibits not only people…but the universe…she said: the universeآ will not teach a smart ass.

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Days before I turn 35…Iآ had three days in bed to weigh what really matters…will i pursue more passion towards art and human experiences?!! Will i continue to treat the world as if it was my own handmade?? will i keep failing to see that expectations are the sane man’s worst enemy?

Would I ever Accept that people by nature – and perhaps because it’s what’s best – are not ready for nude truths?!

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I, someone who feared the change ofآ place of my book, decided to change the placing of my bed…For 18 months i have had the closet placed to block the window…No light nor scenery was viewed…artificial light…air…and sounds were my environment when iآ was home.

I asked for help…theآ good doorman came over with his brother and moved the huge closet away from the window…I had my bed placed right next to the floor to ceiling glass window…a white sheer transparent curtain wasآ moved by nice early winter breeze…I relaxed my head on the pillow…enjoying the naturalآ soft greyish sun rays filling my hair…I looked at the canaries I have out in the terrace and thought they were happy in the cage..I saw a few plants mom keeps out there…I could see some sky above the building across…

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Music accompanied me – as usual – not any music…Strings of guitars that played my soul…I browsed all my favorites…I couldn’t read…I just wanted to stop the imaginary flood and taste real tangible thoughts and feelingsآ 

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(I think in pictures and I know that…by the way, totally irrelevant but had to be mentioned to excuse myself for the images and backgrounds i use when i tell a story…just the other day a close friend of mine thought it was annoying…well, I think in pictures!)

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Maybe that is how i should spend time at home…maybe that would clarify the impurities in me…maybe a clear head away from peopleآ will do me good….If only i didn’t know better!

A person of chaos, trouble and excitement i am…

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I accept how I change…I embrace new air…new angles…different approaches…I hope to see kindness from cruel people or things.آ آ 

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It amazes me how many “I” s I use in a post…but, Everything that i have, the world, the huge meaning and sensation is through that “I”

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Don’t be stupid now…آ آ 

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