This might be the first time in two years I actually do remember – on my own – something in details about my late marriage. As defence I guess I haven’t been able to have detailed memories of the man I spent eight years of my life with…Maybe it was part of the healing or…well, won’t go through reasons now. All I know is that i had to be asked or stirred by someone to remember stuff about him…not my life and how it hurt loosing parts of myself everyday, only him…his detailed features, his scent, his voice and what he meant to me.
Only tonight…a while ago and while watching a movie called Made of honor have i thought about my past marriage.
See, The movie is about how best friends turned out to be just right for each other and about how it is never too late to try gain your right to have the right person for you against all odds.
Thinking about it i found myself relating…My ex-Husband was a childhood friend…I loved him as a friend all my life, he was a little older than me so when i was about four he was about eight and understood that i belong to him even among the family…never thought we would end up together except when he first proposed and that was when i was 25, he knew how to get to me…after all we were friends and he knew about my keys especially that being me…I’ve always been the open book.
I felt loved, i was attracted strongly and my mind on the other hand told me – due to certain circumstances – that he is safe to be the one…there would be no surprises…he promised love and security in life and paradise after life…religion, which i was desperate to attain was his profession then and him being the European educated cultured man who spent most of his life abroad made me certain he won’t be a bigot…he was perfect having it all….I agreed and was in a rush about it…no one around me opposed except for dad but his reason was only about money and money never meant a thing to me…especially back then…my dad was a man of democracy and he let me do what i want.
On the night of signing the marriage contract and telling the vows, to my surprise…I felt like chocking and couldn’t stop crying…I felt driven…I couldn’t stop even when i felt something was wrong…everyone was there and I had to let things complete…I kept crying and couldn’t stop my self…my dad looked at me and his eyes watered himself yet he said no word…mom the same…the thought of asking for time to breath and gather what was wrong with me did crossed my mind but I didn’t have the guts to say a word…just surrendered to the tantrum and in a couple of minutes it was all over.
the very next day things happened and I asked him to call the whole thing off…he worked his way around it and we kept going…a push and i kept going…then adapted to a new status…
A year after, we were ready to act upon that contract we signed, moved to a home and started a family…on that night and while heading for a hotel to spend two nights of honeymooning…I had the tantrum again and couldn’t stop the sob…the limo driver was really uncomfortable but had to shut up as my ex didn’t say a word to me nor did any gesture there was something wrong…days went by and a year later I had more reasons than I would like to remember to make me positive that i did the mistake of my life marrying him…Had already had my first kid and I had to give the kid and the picture perfect a try…and more tries along the years…when i was chronically Ill and drained out of my life…I collected what remained of me – and that wasn’t much – and gathered my two kids around me and firmly ended it.
Moral of the story, not that best friends don’t do great partners because they do…Actually i believe that the perfect lover has to be a very good friend…the moral of the story is, It is never too late to acknowledge an instinct pounding a message in your head saying you want out…that although your spouse must be your friend, your friend can’t be your spouse without feeling he’s Mr. Right…not that even that couldn’t go wrong…after all, no one can predict what lies on the other side of the Nile…
Ironically, long time after that I realized what true love feels like, how Mr. Right fills the world with passion and how harmony and compatibility could sweep a woman off her feet yet she’d be so awakened to every glimpse of fact about him and how does it feel to have him feel the same thing exactly about that woman while sharing the same rhythm and the same taste.
yet, It wasn’t in the cards to last…This time I followed an instinct alright…the instinct of doing the right thing and never saying it was too late to mend…It’s never to late to do what feels right…even if it means living all my life longing for that continuous echo in my heart to be brought back to life.
Life, a Jukebox…and no one can pick the song.