I went through my very very early posts..and god..have i changed!!
i did..i can see it so clear..but what happened to make me break down..or break free..
What caused the change in me..it is not a surprise..no..it is a hateful discovery..
Sometimes we are illusional about stuff to sedate our souls..sometimes..self confrontation is the hardest task of all..but it’s nessecary..for my full awakening..so i can turn the page..or shred the page..remember this poem??oh..i was suffering back then..but compared to now..i was blessed!!
yes..i admitt..that i am like everyone else..although i never thought that before..i am..
Fool enough to walk right into the pit and not knowing ,yet imagining that life would be a childhood dream…where i am all good..and people are all true..
I went through my backstages too..oh..i had those backstage feelings stuffed to my throwt..that the minute i wrote them..the minute they got loose..nothing is wrapping me as hard..but..my own backstages!!
A few months ago..when my posts changed..as i changed..i screamed for help in it..andآ i took defeat in it…and i tried to rescue it…and now i’m giving birth to it…again..
And why would i feel that i have a backstage when i am living it??cause part of me isn’t…the part who hated the mistakes..and regrets the sins..
I feel an enormous amount of truth coming from my eyes right now..i haven’t felt this way for quite sometime..
I wish i stayed that innocent..that pure and hopefull for a great faithful tomorrow..
I wish i never gave up my place..my call for any wanted dream i strived for..
I wish i wasn’t that intrigueing to what ever saw a chance to seduce me.
I wish i stayed a watcher…not a player..i know i had that coming..and i know it’s my mistake…
I wish i knew that there is no such thing as perfect…you can’t have it all..
I wish i knew that there are no excuses if the caller falls..if the callersآ took care of herself and forgot her role..
I wish i wasn’t that arrogantآ confessing my sins to me..kept arguing that i’m not and nagging to be looked at as the same pure thing..when i was covered in mud..
I wish i believed what i saw in my mirror..me..not what i saw in other’s lying eyes..
Oh how i lost..i lost what can never be regained..
And i kept running and taking covers untill i couldn’t run any more..it revealed..
it showed..it showd it’s ugly face ..the naked truth..of what i had and what i became..no need to argue..and proveآ that i was excused..or troubled or bad even..
And yes..i want it back..i want what i had back..i can’t turn time..and i can’t keep crying over spilled milk…and i can’t change what others think of me..and i can’t stop caring also!!
What i can do..is ..reclimb that high mountain that i was once on top..safe and sound
take good care of my spirit and look forward..move forward..unattache that infinit chain that kept me runing around in circles with out reaching but the bottom as i try to hold myself together..
I’ll forget about those last few months..and continue from where i want to be not where i ended..maybe then..after days..months or years..i’ll remembre these days and think..
oh..how i won…
maybe i’ll win what is more than just my previous state..
Allah only knows..and luckily for us..that allah’s understanding and mercy can cover us all and forever..with no furthur questioning or blame..he created us and he knows how weak and fragil we are..he knows how helpless we can be..
And he is the powerful who can make things be …instantly…