1.5 gm of sedative

Listening to the zafeer ensemble (featured in my Music Box…please tune to it before reading this) took meآ back to every walk i took alone in a winter night in a place i never beenآ  before…

I felt that in different cities in Egypt and abroad but I remembered that walk i took in Paris several years ago…

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Enjoying the winter cold with a few drops of rain…slightly scared of walking alone and getting lost…feeling lonely and wishing if i were hand in hand with someone i haven’t met yet…knowing the Parisian flavor running in my senses yet oriental to the core…smiling at the Algerianآ trio who were playing some music similar to this …they don’t feel my existence yet i know they needed my francs…the pavement was their stage and they looked like they bonded with the sky some how…great music they played, the sax , drums and guitar…I walked away thinking of their story…wondering…I thought of my story and for a second i felt furious that no one felt me…i wished someone would stop me and ask me to tell my story…the universe felt so big and i felt so tiny but again each one relates in this life as if he’s the universe…as if he’s bigger than life it self when really we play by its rules…the beats of the drums are the beats of every heart in this world…the strings of those guitars are each vein in each bodyآ vibrates pain and joy…and when the music pauses a life ends and when the violin starts to sound sad…another life is born…and each one of us tries to make a note…a high pitched flawless tune to signify his unique existence…sad enough the universe doesn’t care about my singing…not until the lack of love fades away into the ultimate human harmony i seek…and you seek…

The need is continuous…the need of someone with a pounding heart to warm your heart and your bed…it’s how we are made…needy of the other spirit that fills the void of our spirit…just like we need steamy delicious mouth watering bundles of joy called food to fill the void in our stomach…

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I approach the hotel and i could hear my own heavy breath and the echo of my foot steps…but again i could hear a couple more feet steps behind me…the adrenalin goes up…I’m scared to look back so i walk faster and the hotel sign by the end of the street seem so distant…i feel theآ can of mace in my pocket as i hear a couple of menآ speeding to come closer…i look back to see them whispering to each other and laughing while they were looking at me and coming closer….i reach the hotel to find the door locked with thick iron bars that i didn’t see before….i waved at the guy at the reception and he came smiling towards the door…i look behind my shoulder to see the guys smiling and waving at me with words i couldn’t hear but i got the meaning…they knew i was scared so they were just teasing me and finally they said : bonsoir belle!

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I laughed nervously trying to control my breath as my heart was pounding so hard…the receptionist finally pressed on a button and the iron bars went automatically up and the door was opened…i asked him in English…why was that for?? he said that the police station informed them that tow burglars were on the run….My mouth dropped and i said : but we’re in the heart of Paris and the champs eleses is a few steps away…this is a great neighborhood…he answered: that’s irrelevant….would you like me to order you some hot chocolate?

I smiled and said: yes thank you…I’ll be having that in the garden right by the pool…

I walked to a nice spot…sat down and looked up to the sky…it wasآ very dark blue as the silver shades of the moon glittered it…I thought of god and i started speaking to him a silent talk…with my eyes gazing at a star above that shined next to the moon…i rested my head back on the chair and thought:

You see and know all what is happening from me and to me…you gave me a chance after a chance…you saw the nights i spent dancing and the nights i spent crying and praying to you…i didn’t forget you while i was dancing ..i just chose to ignore a certain feeling…you know what no one else knows and what i can’t admit and most of all what I’ve chosen to forget…you know what will happen to me…but, you know i love you…i fear you but i love you…I know where i go wrong…i know the right and i choose to ignore it and sin…but i know you have mercy and tolerance to give me one more chance each and every time i fall…do i deserve to go to hell?? do i deserve to go to heaven?? is it scary to not live anymore…not to exist…not to be?? is it a silent end…is it full of fire and screams…would it matter if i say that I DON”T WANNA DIE??

I’ve been touched by your blessings and I’ve been showered by your mercy and once i was full of faith then again i was once dehydrated from any glimpse of realization of faith…but i love you and i run to you with my heart if not with my prayer when I’m happy or terrified…

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The hot chocolate comes and i hold the cup with both hands striving for some warmth …

I keep hearing the tunes played by the Algerians i saw down the street minutes ago…i wish i gave them more francs for the beautiful music i still enjoy…I wish i could go out again and walk again and wonder about the stories untold in every passing eyes…i wish i could find someone to tell my story to…I’m not the universe toآ the worldآ …but I’m still mad no one is there to fill the void in my heart…

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