A corrupted manual

It is not an easy thing to realize consciously that you are not behaving as normal people would do in certain situations and have no power or will to change your behavior into something more socially accepted.


It is easy just to accept the way you feel and the way you ache and just be yourself.


It is not an easy task to stop your mind from thinking in a certain way that you know for sure can trigger more pain and sore feelings.


It is easy to surrender to fatigue, let go, drop your hands weak and give up trying…but for some, that’s even a harder task…when it’s impossible to drop on your knees, lie down and accept the crawling sensation of fainting just to enforce a necessary shut down.


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Earlier this morning right after dawn, and after I received that phone call from my brother telling me in a reluctant voice that our grandmother, My late daddy’s mother has passed away, I felt…tired…I felt beat…I cried, not loud ugly cries, not hurtfully, I cried quiet sad tears…a minute it was because I was crying my dad actually, still not over not having his hug…protection…content. another minute I was crying because I’m going to miss her, or because I was terrified of her situation at that moment…but the most overwhelming feeling was that I am tired, exhausted…and the only thing I needed at that moment was for hiding in my daddy’s chest, reassured and safe where it was OK for me to feel fragile, weak and scared.


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My kindhearted brother was reluctant because he knew I was tired already…I, as I stepped in my grandmother’s house, hugged him tight…I knew he felt the same…the same daddy’ scenario is replaying bit by bit…even the same faces, the same talk, my aunt calling and crying and screaming for her mother who laid in her room…dead.


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The Idea itself is so uncomprehendable…for someone to suddenly NOTآ exist. Becomes lifeless…all his belongings loose their owner…his place is emptied…his presence becomes a past…his opinion, worth, history are no longer his…theyآ are someone else’s to messآ them up.


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Typical Egyptian Ladies talk too much, reassuring us that heaven isآ granted…that they were so sad, they had lots of loud sobbing to prove it anyway…and I’m sure most of them really meant it…I was the unnatural one…just kept mumbling to myself: la elah ela allah and asking for mercy to be granted to my grandmother, father and all the dead.


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I stayed with my aunt till noon, I couldn’t say a word, and actually I couldn’t force my self to…didn’t want to force myself…or, didn’t have the energy nor the will to do anything but what I felt…and I felt tired, sad and numb!


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Around noon, I started to feel very sharp cramps in my abs…They became sharper and sharper but I had to take the pain and shut up…


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As the doctor and the nurses who were supposed to prepare the deceased for her final trip arrived, I received a phone call from the office asking about me…I realized I’ll be messing the whole day for them especially that the keys for the safe, doors and the CEO’s office were at my possession.


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I had to leave…headed for the office…the cramps became sharper…the CEO felt for me and took me to a nearby hospital where the Doctors in the ER said that it was my nervous system playing the physical game on me…again!


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Prescribed me a muscle relaxant…then, I insisted on going to the office…the CEO started the: maysa7esh ya madam Rasha, you have to attend the funeral.


He nagged, I said: Mafeesh 7aga esmaha elmafrood…mesh 7a2dar ashoof daddy’s scenario tany…mesh 7a2dar asma3 soot 7ad beysarakh aw bey3ayat…


I’m going to the office!


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Went there, I could see them around the office puzzled not knowing how to handle how hyper yet quiet i was…I finished a great amount of work…hiding in my documents…being the Machiavellian that I am, took advantage of my situation and enforced a decision or two on the CEO and got what I wanted…They were in place though…I do have ethics…


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Among all the chaos in my head, a nice breeze of kindness or two blew in my way…I am blessed, I know.


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And a mean selfish steam or two tried to annoy me…but, nothing couldآ hurt me more than I was already.


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The typical manual in relating to similar situations is corrupted in my system.


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I don’t know if I’m becoming less sensitive or what…but, after my dad, I doubt that anything would come close in effect.


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May all people find the peace of mind, heart and spirit.


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Amen.


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8 thoughts on “A corrupted manual

  1. May she rest in peace and be granted Paradise inshaAllah.

    I hate funerals and all the sadness scenario in general, I just feel that something like your bro’s hug is the real treatment for sadness.

    I spent with my grandmother her last year in life, she was in good health until her last two weaks, nothing would comfort me or my sis (we were really attached to her) but just a real tight hug. No words, no funeral made us better.

    Take care of your health ya Rasha, for your kids.

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  2. el baqa2 l’Ellah ya rasha…

    you did well by not attending the funeral when you knew you couldn’t…

    we carry pain and grief in our hearts, and sometimes the more intense it is, the harder it is to show…. so take it easy on urself and hang in there habibty, in sha2 Allah something is bound to happen to make it all at least seem better 🙂

    *biig hugs*

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  3. 3athama Allahu ajrakum, wara7ima mayitakum…
    my deepest condolences to you and the family… death is a fact of life as it sound ironic, but it is we have to accept it as you know, everyday we say goodbye to a day that passes and we get closer to that destined day when we have to leave ourselves…so hum assabiqoon wana7nu al la7iqoon wa ena lilah wa ena elayhi raji3oon

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  4. Dear Rasha,
    It is very hard to lose someone dear. I know how you feel. My advice to you is to gather your strength. I also know that this is not easy. But if you can remember her smile and smile back to her rather than burning her with your tears.
    Last year, I lost someone dear too; I grieved for two months, and caused myself a lot of distress including food disorder. Until, I had this dream where I saw him sitting in peace, he smiled at me and asked me to go because it was not my time yet..
    Pray for her, and wipe your tears off, she will be watching over you all the time! And remember to smile back, whenever you think of her ! Okay sweetheart..

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  5. Dear mkeng02,
    You’re so sweet and kind.
    Thank you 🙂
    Every word you said is true…after all…there’s nothing else that could be done.

    Please, let me hear of you 🙂

    Like

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