I hate knowing and I hate you

I know what you’re doing now

I know how you smell

How you smile and start the scheme

I hate knowing and I hate you

 

You’ve sent everybody away

You’ve shut every curtain

I know how you moan and groan

I hate knowing and I hate you

 

You’re hiding like a rat

You’re hitting, pounding and pulsing

I know how you sweat…how you act

I hate knowing and I hate you

 

Those tears that burn my skin

Are rolling from a fountain of hurt

It’s the jealous woman tapping on scream beat

I hate your sweat, my fountain, the pulse and heat…

 I hate knowing

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About quiting?? Hmmmm.

So, I get myself addicted then i get myself to quit…find another addiction that feels nice, discover it’s no good so i try to quit

From too many chocolates that mess a metabolic malfunction more and more, to sudden smoking tendencies that felt soothing yet made my difficult breathing painful…to, the wrong type of people…no people at all, no, can’t work this way…maybe just one friend…naaaa, too obsessive…many shallow friendships with people i don’t really like….to a selected few minds that i like to be silly around.

 

It really feels like back in the days when i was a teen stumbling around a thousand things, having a million unstable urges…

 

Except that now…I know exactly what i am, how i like things, what i want…difference is…those turned out to be not an easy thing to sustain….I may know everything I should know…I may Accept everything i should accept and I may have reached the amazingly enlightening age of thirty five; yet, the type of person who has various skills and more than one talent…the person who can endure many diversities and handle how weired life is truly is will never have the ease and peace of joining one group or going down one road.

 

Big problem is, i am so arrogant that i know when i should shut up yet i don’t…I know where i shouldn’t step foot yet i jump right into pits…I can see it as arrogance but i want to say it as respecting people enough to let them see – with me – anything but cliches, anything but shame and nothing of a lie.

 

Many find it repulsive, many freak out, many chicken because they just can’t handle it but some…creme a la creme…smile and feel OK about what things are…i as i am…truth as ugly as can be…nature as nude as possible.

 

The most beautiful thing is that i feel my heart is floating and expanding hugging the world just because acceptance is that graceful…endurance and kindness is that giving and enriching…it’s like a silver beam of light that can change a gloomy soul trapped in trouble into a shimmering white cloud surfing up high looking down at earth yet willing to feed it with its drops.

 

Never meant to be corny poetic…I just feel this way at this moment of this Friday…having major business chaos around the corner, having the accounting book next to me reminding me that the MBA is too much to handle at this phase…I have my kids fighting over a lion king puzzle…and many people in my heart that i love, miss, care for or just despise!

now, that beauty in a winter Christmas night in Cairo is overwhelming….that music is humming in me nagging to get out…while i wonder if i did the right thing entering the short story contest.

 

I just have so much in me now…so much, and life will always be…Life.

It will be…and it will end…and i am fine…or else, i wouldn’t have any energy to get up every morning at six am driving the same road among a despicable traffic jam listening to the radio and making so much effort to cling to something funny enough to jump-start my business engines…I have no choice but be fine. I love being someone good. I hate fools.

 

So, don’t you think being strangely natural and true…maybe kind, might be a good thing?!

🙂

Have a good day.