Sometimes I feel but can’t comprehend and sometimes I feel and I fail to express my feelings in words. When too many thoughts fight too many feelings and I feel that the Universe is abandoning me…that I’m extra tiny amongst it…that I with every mighty thing that this I includes, really don’t mean much to the great existence of mankind.
Only then do I have the urge to walk down some street…
A couple of days ago I walked down road 9, it was a cold winter night…the road was somehow empty and i smelled fresh plants sending pure oxygen down my veins…I was still sick as I’ve been for the last two weeks. but I decided to Ignore the pain I felt with each breath…I focused on the music I had plugged…the road ahead of me and the skies that link me to that bigger meaning I try to belong to…
Just as i try to write and blog as always for the past few days just to feel I still belong to this little hideaway.
It was a strange night indeed…I thought of love and war…how much love emulsifies in times of war. How I feel for Palestine every minute and how i need to speak of it but can’t find a comfy talk-sofa to share on. I remembered all I7san abdulqudoos’ stories about love and war…how love is profound and real in times of war…because at times of war all fakeness melt and masks drop and people show and share their true colours.
I thought of my kids and that cruel world I brought them to…I thought about my fears…right now I fear nothing worldly but not being able to be there for my kids.
Fear of ruining my relationship with Allah doesn’t haunt me now…not anymore, as I made peace with what I was and how I want to be…and since he has my heart helpless in his hands…there’s no need to fear loosing him…He’s what and who I love beyond reason nor consciousness.
I found the power of decision to be a very deceiving intangible tool…it’s like trying to catch mercury that keeps escaping your thoughts to your feelings and back.
One day you can’t get a grip on it and the other you manufacture a special container for it as you want to be committed to that decision that much.
But the most mean decision is the one that follows your heart…not your mind.
And I, Have been suffering both.
But I, Have decided against that suffering….Ironic huh!
I held, that night, a hot snack for my mom…it brought warmth to my fingers…I listened to Verdi…And meanings were different…meanings of war, love, roads and how colorful scarfs don’t produce warmth for being heavy…they do because we decide they do…that night was different indeed.
I reached home and greeted my mom with a smile.
Here she was, another human being that gave this world a try and did the best she knew of and here’s her fruit…me, Ironic huh!