Right after I finished a 3 hour exam and as i was ranting to a fellow student about the absurd lack of time to study well for the exam, laughing away the 3 hour tension of trying to rationalize an answer since i couldn’t remember the needed equations, that colleague said it simply as a given fact: We will always fail to have the time, you might as well get used to it!
I got into my car, made a phone call and thought my current personal status equation.
I work 12 hours a day (almost everyday through January), I have two kids who normally need me to study with them…spend time…play and talk, I have two 3 hour classes per week and a test every other week.and if I count ME as something important, I would then have a me time when I should spend most of it going out with nice friends, maybe get my self a facial or something.
Result is a question: How long would I be able to do all that before i crack??!! given the fact that I’m only human…I get dead tired, I want to sleep and rest and get out…I want to read a book…It has been a month since i read anything but balance sheets and marketing reports…I want my kids to get sick of my nagging…
yet, I don’t have the guts to complain…because now I can face facts I fought so hard and got into big troubles because of that fighting.
I can face that I don’t take my bag and slam the CEO’s office door and rush out of the company with the most arrogant attitude claiming that i don’t need work…not anymore…simply because I (aka my kids) need work!
I can face the fact that I do drag myself every time to class after a long day at work and try to squeeze study time and deprive myself sleep and rest because I know that my income will accelerate when I have that MBA…and I need that because the only thing i can guarantee for myself ad kids is ME as long as Allah gives me the breath I need each second to live.
I can face the fact that I no longer have the Glamour I had a year ago…I don’t have that flair I felt reflect in people’s eyes and most importantly in my own…I have pale eyes now…
I can also face the fact that the scar has gotten old…I see it yet I don’t feel its pain…It’s only there to remind me of how scars could be made while we’re numbed by our own delusion.
Yeah, I can face the fact and I’m actually OK with it…I have a blunt soul now.
I once thought that blunt souls are worse than dead ones…when something looses its ability to function then it’s useless…I beg to differ now, Nothing is wrong with bluntness…Knives may loose the ability to cut, yet they still have their solid steel…afterall they’re never hurt!
I’m willing to be modest from the inside with me…I could never loose my pride although I face facts acknowledging my weakness and vulnerability…and Desperate needs.
I could attain a modest pride.
Live it anyway whilei can…It’s not like I ve anyother choice…after all I will always find joy
and pride in passing an exam among that chaos, getting a chubby bonus Or…seeing my kids happy and doing good.
Will watch scrubs now then try to have some sleep.