A million vein

 

Maybe the sidewalk should disappear

yet still maintain the way

avoid the ditches and show the ray

to the path…the light that’s near

 

 

Maybe the kiss should return

despite the mud… the rain

as the warm soft flesh of the words

have more than a million vein

 

 

Maybe we should be able to fly

rise above the turbid cry

clear the throat with a sigh

as ends prevail the mean

 

 

Maybe I should sleep and sleep

and let the vision die

smile, blink and pray

that hearts never lie…never lie.

 

 

 

 

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And i understood what he meant…

and a young man approached me…he acted nice and humble…ran to serve me and brought me water as he saw how thirsty and tired i was because of the long trip…he sat near me and looked at me with sad eyes asking to confess…I tried to explain that i maybe priest but i never let anyone confess to me…i tried to excuse myself but his tears convinced me and i heard his confession…he kept explaining in details and in great pleasure how he committed every queer kind of adultery…his crying humble eyes turned to devilish weird ones…as if he found great joy in contaminating my thoughts…i kept asking him to stop…he wouldn’t…but added more sick details about sick sexual sins…i walked away and didn’t look back and he kept running after me telling me more and more and more and i had to speed to escape his evil words and visions and before he let go he shouted: why don’t you want to hear about the pleasures you deprive your self?!!

I ran to the pope and kneel in front of him telling him about that weird white soft young man who seemed more like women and told him just a bit of what i heard…he told me: Dear son, a form of devil he was…3azazeel does that to mock our celibacy and turn on forbidden lust in us…go pray my son and remember never to be fooled from devil’s tricks…may god save us.

That was from the novel 3azazeel (excuse the poor translation)…i read that part and more last night and remembered how back in the days and while discussing faith with my friends we used to pray: Allah, we ask you to save us from the devil and his followers from humans and jaan.

yes, the devil takes many forms to try make us slip…he doesn’t go to a pub…but he waits for people outside masajed…he knows how we sometimes get hungry for a sin and it’s forbidden pleasure and instead of letting us figure out the harms and regret we feel afterwards and choose otherwise…he fuels our souls with thoughts of joy and fun and desire.

That novel took place in a convent in the fourth century…now…don’t we all have similar visits from the devil who speaks about what we desire most?!!

Do we all have the strength to shut our ears, look the other way and walk away??!!

At many times in my life i didn’t shut my ears nor my eyes and i entered the trap willingly…at those times…i had no other sound in me to drag me away or even offer a righteous thought…

Now i feel differently…see differently…and i wonder, do we choose the emotional and spiritual state we’re in?

Do I get to choose whether I’m ready to walk away or not?

Do i like the fact that I’m not trapped any more?

I have no precise answer to any of those question…but i know one simple thing, I’m glad i don’t hear 3azazeel nor obey him…period!!

What is real about Pride and weakness!!

Apparently, i’m being attracted to listen to words of wisdom like the good old days.

Maybe the post divorce trial and error/ learning phase is evolving into a more peaceful state of the heart and i am open again to re direct my soul to what really matters and what is truly valuable.

I’ve always seen my faults…never hidden them from myself and never created a false identity just to keep my silliness and mistakes within my comfort zone…maybe that is why i never found it hard to say I’m sorry to people i may have hurt…and i never found it far to apologize to Allah for a sin I’ve committed…but i always found it hard to return to track after messing up…I’m a good judge of myself and never delusional about my virtues nor my faults.

But i am edgy…i am arrogant at times and my pride and strength never hide or fail to hit if i was ever attacked…i believe i have a kind heart and i know when to forgive and when to give other chances even when i disagree with people’s common sense…i take risks fully aware of the chances.

I am proud…and my pride has been something i praise myself for…i have the ability to take things more far than what normal sane people might.

but it has been a while since i listened to the real meaning of pride…the real proof of integrity…it has been a while since i let people’s interpretations and standards subside and listen to what the essence of life has to say about my virtues…and to my surprise…my heart was touched and i felt a tremendous amount of tenderness towards the world…kindness and compassion towards people…and towards my poor weak self.

A wise man said: let us count the dangers and risks that could harm us in the world…if we would, we’d find them countless…and terrifying…how hundreds if not thousands of types of harm that could test our abilities…that would proof how helpless, fragile and weak we are…how needy and dependant…how shallow and lying we are when we claim we have powers…when we claim we are better in anything than anyone…fact is, any type of advantage any of us might have is a mere blessing and gift from Allah…even the ability to speak well, think smart or be successful…it is a gift from Allah that was given to us…that was maintained in our favor …

Pride we should be…but the kind of pride that is supplied from our confession that Allah the gracious blessed us with it.

We were nothing before we were born…it was him who sculpted our features and carved our own existence…it is him who keeps blessing us despite our constant challenge to his will and to his rules…

Did i earn my pride? was it from the right source? Is my pride a lie? is it dooming like the devil’s?Do i use it in the right place? Do i give back?Do i do good to the world? Has it been me and only me that concerns me?

What i am sure about is that full happiness and comfort and peace will never be granted to self centered brats who enjoy being far from e true meaning of life…far from Allah’s path…far from the truth.

Allauma 3afena wa e3fo 3anna wa afhemna…

Blog blog ya 3am el7ag!!

It has been four years of blogging, two deleted, one hidden and two published blogs…hundreds of posts…thousands of comments and countless visits.

I have seen tides of bloggers rise and others fade…some evolve into greater sites and some change identity so i could call myself an oldie…or belbaladi, m3alema!

Anyway, I’ve always treated my blogging with respect…i used it to rant on behalf of the whole world (yes…this is how much i ranted)…made great friends along the way and extracted -what i’d like to believe- some hidden talents if i may say…as prior to December 2006 i never knew i had it in me to write short stories nor poems.

now…as i look around my dear aggregator (Qwaider Planet) i feel excited when i see how much quality blogs are added on daily bases…i do miss a certain cosy feeling among a smaller community of friends we once had but i realize that most of the bloggers i was friends with years ago have been more involved in life and less in blogging and that is a great thing i guess.

As I read around i notice that the personal approach is retreating from posts…personal life stuff is private and rarely discussed…most blogs post upon gomhoor request…so…only witty social observations or political ones or even technical is being published and stuff like ” i had a terrible diarrhea last night” are vanishing and never shared…not that it is important to discuss the bowl movement  🙂

I notice bardo that many bloggers have gone private and allowed a few to view their blogs…many have changed blogs like i did…to me it’s like changing a car or having a new look (yes, it involves escaping some annoyance).

Best blogging is the kind that you write without thinking and worrying what would readers think…if not, it would turn into a fake daily routine…EWW!

Blogging is a great fun therapeutic experience..so…happy blogging 🙂

Classics and books

I have listened to this amazing song once last winter while driving back from work…i instantly recognized that the music is a Tchaikovsky classic…certainly a different kind of songs…amazing voice…i just wished it was performed by a stronger symphonic band…a master piece really…and this winter, and as an upside of having too much time…long nights due to my sickness…i searched and found it… Enjoy: 7abeeby

Another upside of the long nights struggling to breathe is reading something as hmmm…how do i say it…something as diverse as 3azazeel.

The language is amazing…have not read any Arabic book with such Elegant language lately.

Different…the concept…the logic…the 3azazeel presence in the story line…i almost finished the book…and i’m happy i started.

And i do still let fatafeat be my background light 😀

خزعبلات مصرية

على راى احمد ، نفسى مفتوحة للرغى النهارده

مممم

دلوقتى زى جميع سيدات المعادى المحترمين (مش شرط) اللى مبيخرجوش بعد الساعة عشرة كنت قاعدة بتفرج على البيت بيتك…وشاء حظى العثر ان يبقى الأخ وزير الخارجية الفاضل بتاعنا بيتحمق على الهواء بسبب حارس الحدود اللى قتله قناص من حماس…طيب…انا مش بحب الراجل ده وبيستفزنى الى اقصى حد لانه بق عالفاضى فى الحق نادراً وبحسه متواطىء كده غالباً…هو عموما مستفز…وعسكرى الحدود الغلبان اللى بيحرس حدودنا مع اخواننا الفلسطينين موضوعه عجيب…ليه قناص من اى نوع حيضرب حارس حدود (يعنى سياسة ومهرجان وقلق) برصاصة فى دماغة؟؟ عجيبة صح؟؟عجيبة اوى مش كده؟؟ بس بما انى مكنتش بتمشى على الحدود يومها وما شفتش مش قادرة افتى بس برضه بما انى لا اثق فى اى اعلام تقريباً لا اصدق القصة دى…كل اللى اقدر اقوله…الله يرحمه وياخدله حقه من الظالم

 

 

بس زى ما مبحبش حد مهم  -المفروض- فى بلدى…صعبان عليا اوى واحد تانى…ساويرس روحه حلوة وذكى جداً جداً وشاطر ومصرى وناجح…صعبان عليا ان شركة حققت نجاح مهم زى موبينيل ممكن تروح منه…ومش فاهمة راح فين ذكاءه لما اتورط فى قصة فرنسا دى…انا فاكرة ايام الماجيستير كان فيه زمايل بيشتغلوا فى موبينيل…ومرة الدكتور سألهم رأيهم لو انتقلت الشركة للفرنسوين…اتنين قالوا حيزعلوا واربعة قالوا يا ريت!!! ما هو الخواجات بيدفعوا اكتر…ممم…اقول ايه؟

 

 

دورت امبارح اون لاين على تكلفة عمليات تدبيس المعدة…الدكاترة اتسرعت يا جدعان!!! بيسألوا الدكتور ليه العملية غاليه اوى كده خاصة ان السمنة مرض بيهدد حياة الناس مش تجميل يعنى…قال…انت عارف يا استاذ الدبوس بكام النهارده…وصل لـ1200 جنيه!!! السعر بالدبوس…لذا فكرت فى طريقة موفرة لسعر العملية…المعدة بتحتاج دبابيس على قد حجمها…يعنى كلما زاد الوزن زادت الدبابيس…الفكرة العبقرية بقى…الواحد يخس عشان معدته تصغر ويحتاج دبوسين تلاتة بدل تسعتاشر!! هىىهىهىهى

 

 

حناكل ايه النهارده…رجع السؤال ده لحياتى اليومية…امى تسالنى اول ما تشوف وشى الصبح وبعدين الولاد يسالونى بالدور…البنت وبعدين الولد…زمان كنت ببصلهم بصة “انت اهبل وانا مالى انا” اما الآن فبما انى من غير شغل امى عملت شيفت لمهام المطبخ ليا…يعنى…دول ولادك…اكليهم…هى مش فاهمة انى بحب اطبخ وبحب اكلى يبسط الناس…بس مش معنى كده ان حياتى تتمحور حول طبق اليوم…وده مالوش اى علاقة انى بحب اتفرج على قناة فتافيت قبل النوم لان لها فعالية منومة اكبر من الادوية…انا باسجل هنا التطور اللغوى اللى حاص فى بيتنا…صباح الخير بقت حناكل ايه…وتصبحوا على خير بقت قناة فتافيت…عيشة يامى يامى خالص

 

اى نعم…وردبرس بيكتب عربى عامى بيئى

Hide and cheat

Is hiding always wrong?

Is hiding a form of cheat?

those couple of questions come among several related questions…where we start questioning an urge, an attitude or an action.

That is so general i know so i’ll stick to the matter in hand.

Friendship is always good…generally something essential in life.

Love and marriage is always good and highly essential in life.

Can we hide a friendship (an opposite sex friend) while we’re married if we know that our partner won’t be ok with it??

Is it ok to have a friend at a distance for our comfort yet keep him/ her hidden??

Is it fair to our partner that we have a warm relationship with a friend where we discuss our personal stuff with (love, marriage, work) while we don’t share the same with our spouses??

Is it right to do so with a friend from the opposite sex??

Is it 100% innocent??

deep down inside is it innocent???

and if that friend was in our partner’s shoes would he/ she accept it??

well…That issue was one I and hubby settled early in our relationship yet we both took our time to come to terms with it…or to be honest…it took time till we both were 100% positive and convinced that IT COULD NEVER BE NORMAL TO HAVE A BEST FRIEND FROM THE OPPOSITE SEX WHILE WE’RE MARRIED.

For so many HONEST reasons:

– married couples need to focus on each other…talk to each other…develop a close relationship…develop trust and warmth and understanding.

– married couples need to feel secure and content…not feel that in certain matters they can be substituted.

– No…It is normal to confide in another man but my husband and talk my heart out to him…unless the marriage lacks the comfort and understanding and then i should really be doing all i can to make it good or get out of it…another man who is stand by to hear me weep isn’t really the right thing to do…AS LONG AS I’M MARRIED.

– Switching places makes the picture clearer…does the male friend accept that his wife does the same while he has no idea??? and do i – as a friend- accept to be hidden and standing by to my male friend comfort whenever he’s in trouble with his wife??

– Is it a non physical type of cheating??

Well…too many annoying questions…too many painful meanings that only very honest people could admit to.

I am old fashioned when it comes to relationships…and when i try to act modern (as trends now a days) i feel guilty and bad…as i know it’s wrong.

and no…it has nothing to do with trust…it has everything to do with what marriage should give to people…it should make partners feel complete…feel understood and loved and cherished…secure and warm and appreciated.

and another no…having a troubled marriage doesn’t justify hiding a friend who plays a normal role of a hero to a woman in hardship!!!

feelings are hard to be simple and clear…as feelings are the most complicated thing in life.

but hey…talking honestly makes it an easy task with self confrontation.

So…I say…either give your marriage everything you’ve got or take off…but don’t try the slick dancer style…it’s tacky and messy.

And…as a friend…i gotta be smart and honest…put myself in others’ shoes and stop the supporting act if i sense i’m being used to wreck a home or even being used to make someone feel good about himself.

after all…a friend or a partner…in a while…you’ll end up alone…alone by yourself or lonely in a crowd..