Heaven can wait

Heaven can wait
And a band of angels wrapped up in my heart
Will take me through the lonely night
Through the cold of the day
And I know
I know
Heaven can wait
And all the gods come down here just to sing for me
And the melodies gonna make me fly
Without pain
Without fear
Give me all of your dreams
And let me go along on your way
Give me all of your prayers to sing
And I’ll turn the night into the skylight of day
I got a taste of paradise
I’m never gonna let it slip away
I got a taste of paradise
It’s all I really need to make me stay-
Just like a child again

Heaven can wait
And all I got is time until the end of time
I won’t look back
I won’t look back
Let the altars shine
And I know that I’ve been released
But I don’t know to where
And nobody’s gonna tell me now
And I don’t really care
No no no
I got a taste of paradise
That’s all I really need to make me stay
I got a taste of paradise
If I had it any sooner you know
You know I never would have run away
From my home
Heaven can wait
And all I got is time until the end of time
I won’t look back
I won’t look back
Let the altars shine
Heaven can wait
Heaven can wait
I won’t look back
I won’t look back
Let the altars shine
Let the altars shine

//

An Unlawful country

I live in one dangerous chaotic country that does not apply nor follow its own laws.

It drove me mad today as i saw a lady sitting beside her husband in the front seat and holding her baby…apparently a new born because he was in a baby case made of sponge and cloth!!

the baby’s head was facing her and resting on the dashboard…i tried to come close to warn her…yell…wave…do anything but we were speeding on a highway and they took a sudden turn to the right so i lost them.

I don’t know whether she’s ignorant or stupid or just a reckless woman who doesn’t deserve being a mom.

and I don’t know how the hell does our lousy police leave such violations be the norm…that wasn’t the first time, of course…I saw it many times…and what makes me angry is that no one speaks…as if some crimes are dealt with as part of our chaotic behaviour as a nation…we’ve become numb…we stopped caring about many things and now we even stopped caring about the lives of our children…this mother is a criminal… babies belong in their tight chairs in the back seat…these are international safety precautions… 

Not enough that the police allow violations like drinking under the influence, exceeding speed limits mid town and harassing girls (aslan, patrol officers do much of the harassing themselves) to be done under their noses…as if we are above the harm…as if jeopardizing people’s lives is an ordinary daily action.

It has become a mad behaviour…I blame everyone in the streets who’d see such dangers and shut up…I blame the police…and i am not much of a critic of my country because i always see the cause of the fault…and the cause is always corruption of the human nature…but such actions aren’t that…it’s neglecting the worth of our humanity…and that is no government’s fault…it is the people’s!

It makes me angry and boiling just to realize how harm and hurt are normal now…the average man doesn’t cease to harm and hurt others in every form and shape…loved ones, relatives, colleagues or mere strangers…

A driver would run over a cat and laugh!!

A mom would put a new born in a 50:50 chance for death and sings along with the radio…

A father would abandon his kids and leaves them in the streets for a piece of ass or a drug or whatever shit he follows…

A friend would deliberately trash his friends just to fill time and gossip.

Love has no meaning…life has become cheap…and humans are names and numbers.

What the hell is going on?!!

Between harm, abuse, cheating, lying, corruption and violence we do live and some good people try to hold their head up high and make a clean path in the middle of a sea of trash and soul diseases…and they suffer for a living!

Decent life has become a challenge.

Everyone who’d jeopardize the life of another human being should be prosecuted…It is no joke…it is a precious life in danger.

Damn, i am angry…and hurt!!

I know it is Friday March 26th 2010

It is minutes past midnight now…My mobile gave me a buzz…reminding me of my marriage anniversary.

Dear Mobile,

I have not forgotten.

Actually i remembered that day almost everyday throughout the past year.

I wouldn’t be exaggerating if i said that it was the strangest most exciting day in my life…and i wouldn’t be dramatizing if i said that it will probably be the year that i will remember every second in it till the day i die.

It was rich, full, passionate, challenging, raw, true, painful, joyful, stressful, fulfilling and mature…it was the year i experienced love, enjoyed it and paid its price.

My dear 2.5 years old mobile,

How could you remind me?!! you should’ve neglected my instructions when i set that date into your calendar…you’ve witnessed more than 10 thousand text messages and days long of calls…you have known what i know and saw how i dealt…

My dear mobile…you know i love you…as you’re the best i could ask for in a mobile…you’re strong, never failed me and always kept me connected to my loved ones…but I’m afraid you must go now…I need to let you go…you have reminded me of the one day i will keep carved in my mind and heart forever…you’ve treated it as if it’s forgetable…neglectable…how could you.

I really don’t know how could you…It’s the day that started a whole new chapter in my life…the day that opened my eyes to a whole new world and a whole new set of feelings and a whole new type of people…new concepts…new challenges.

That day will never be forgotten and i won’t let you do that to me again…rub it in me…with your little icon that is nicely shaped as a gift and that little smiley i typed right beside it and those few letters that are SO big in my eyes… the letters that drawn me… MARRIAGE…

It was a thursday…it was about seven or eight in the evening…I saw nothing, felt nothing and realized nothing but the sweet sensation that my husband wrapped me in…I remember i was scared…I was trembling as i held the pen to sign next to his name and right above his father and his brother’s names…I was super excited yet doped…as if i’m out of my body watching the events and not getting what is what and who is who and not getting why…all i felt was the smooth calm sweet sensation.

I signed…and my life was no longer the same…hours after it was fireworks all over the place…and they kept firing till this moment…they were never put off…never ceased to either burn me or celebrate me…

As a matter of fact, my husband begun celebrating our anniversary a day before…he gave me flowers, took me out to a romantic dinner where he kissed my hand and i kissed his…we laughed, danced, hoped for long years of happiness and devotion to come…i think we will be celebrating more today and tomorrow and forever…i couldn’t be any happier…

Don’t you dare call me a delusional liar!!

You will be going, i tell you.

You silver little fool…how could you remind me of a day that re-wrote my identity and changed my heart for ever??!

I will never forget that day…never!!

, Tuesday the fourth.

It was crowded…there were people and although i felt alone at first…somehow i was dragged to the crowd….tasted their battles and noise…and became part of them.

Long ago, I used to struggle to share my thoughts, pains or history with people i didn’t know…the “Human experience” didn’t touch base with me and the more i tried to expose/ share myself the more out-casted i felt.

But that was long ago…now…and without realizing it…i don’t think..i just live the moment…as full and real as i can…and i realize now…that people really are in one Human twister and everyone is getting to face their turn in the cycle…that girl i saw last night is as hesitant and contradicting as i was two years ago…we all go there.

After almost two hours of noise, crowded thoughts and emotions…I headed home…got in the Ladies carriage (underground)…I checked out every face i could reach with my eyes…99% of girls were veiled…99% of them dressed exactly the same…and 90% of them were holding  mobile phones in their hands…One of them shouted out  “Du3a2 alrokoob” ordering us to repeat after her…I know it by heart…I liked the reminder…but i didn’t like the order to repeat after her nor the look she gave me when she thought i didn’t repeat.

I just said it, in a low voice and quickly…I know it by heart and i appreciated the reminder!!!

I, as the train movement made every muscle in my body loose, kept thinking why do i feel so beaten…even my body posture was defeated…bored…no, maybe exhausted and drained…I didn’t feel super but i didn’t feel ill neither. It felt as if I’m tired of a big prolonged battle.

Well, I discussed that briefly at the meeting…that i maybe the character who’s up for fighting and making a difference…but I’m also human…a tired human who needs some rest and tenderness.

Dr. agreed…but in a very low voice and a very deep tune she said: Embrace it…as you, always creating a plan B is harming you.

I exclaimed: Do you mean I no longer have the liberty to rebel against painful situations and painful people??Actually i do make an effort and give from my heart because i always know that i have a plan B…It makes me feel safe.

She said in the same tune and with the most compassionate look: No, I’m saying that it’s who you are, to fight and try mend your life -what’s yours in this world- so, embrace that…that bliss you have…and treat it with the same Passion that you are…Alternative plans are no longer an option…you’ve matured in that way!

We changed topics but that meaning kept RINGING in my mind…would i be able to voluntarily give up my right to EXIT the shitty situations people try to drown me in?? am i that big?? am i that tolerant?? and would people want to strive along to make it better?? will they let me fight our demons??

NO!

Mere Bullshit!

, Tuesday the third.

I don’t know when will the insightful sessions will end. I don’t know for how long will i be granted this bliss. All i know is that i am trying to capture as much light as i could.

Control:

Every moment in life, as long as i am alive, I’m in control of those arrows pointed at me and flying towards me to stamp me with other people’ seals…I can either divert them or break them or allow them to penetrate my being and label me forever with other people’s definition of things.

No, people’s words and attitudes will not shame me…as long as i am proud, experiencing my right to be and not harming others.

Arrows of arrogance and ignorance will not sedate me into another stereotype, for every human is unique and has the right to experience that uniqueness.

Love, kindness, freedom and generosity will never be vocabularized as dumbness and stupidity…not during my moments…not with my control.

Generalizations – not:

I am not allowed to generalize when i think of what’s most intimate and personal…I shouldn’t care what all women do or seem…nor what all men are alike…no generalization is permitted to fit into my equation…no generalization is allowed to color my picture…for they are made from my shades to draw my details…not another blood…just mine.

Holy:

casual words, making love, affection, kindness and ideals are holy…if they are true…honest…sincere and real.

It’s a lie to limit holiness in a category or two…holy is the bare skin…the bare truth of our hearts…and those truths should always be treated this way.

I remorse every second i deprived Holinesses from their own nature.

Keywords:

Massive impact.

– Passion

– In charge

– tenderness with oneself

– remorse

, Tuesday the second.

Blame:

that vicious circle of blame…blaming others for our pains…blaming ourselves for the bad choices, the people we have brought close enough to hurt us or even our weaknesses.

Fact is, setting the records straight and evaluating those choices, circumstances or people is useful…scanning situations to know how to deal, re take control and lead is essential…but not wounding and whipping our selves with blame…it then, becomes a delaying weapon… the most stressful strain…and sometimes a disability.

Skill is – for people who struggle with it – to STOP…and think here and now…evaluate facts…and feelings then act.

I, for one, have had enough of that useless hurtful blame…I, for one, get blinded by its pain and i wake up…whenever i do on a crisis of my own irrational doing because of those layers of anger and hurt blame creates…

Statements:

through life i would choose the role of a warrior than the victim…and therefore i often choose to state my mind, fight for my opinions and speak out…sometimes even rage.

yet, if life require me taking stands…me speaking out and opposing thoughts of some very dear people to my heart…or not…who will hear me first…who needs my words to mark the event…the day…that phase in my life?!

Most likely myself!

and towards myself…i need to be tender in those statements…form a thread of pearls that are linked by my life and contain my ideals…fights are not always a necessity….sometimes calm voices echo more.

*I believe that Allah would/ might grant me heaven.

otherwise, i could end up in hell just for believing otherwise.

I learned those ideas today among a couple more…I learned them scanning my patterns…my emotions…what matters.

Focus!!

 

A warrior knows how to wait, because he knows what he is waiting for. And while he waits, he wants nothing, and in this way anything he receives – however small – is a blessing. The common man worries too much about loving others, or being loved by them. A warrior knows what he wants – that is all in his life and that is where he concentrates all his energy. The common man spends the present acting as winner or loser, and depending on the results he becomes persecutor or victim. The warrior, on the other hand, worries only about his acts, which will lead him to the objective he has traced for himself.”

Carlos Castañeda

*Borrowed from: Eventualtities

(it started in march and ended in march…ironic!)