It was crowded…there were people and although i felt alone at first…somehow i was dragged to the crowd….tasted their battles and noise…and became part of them.
Long ago, I used to struggle to share my thoughts, pains or history with people i didn’t know…the “Human experience” didn’t touch base with me and the more i tried to expose/ share myself the more out-casted i felt.
But that was long ago…now…and without realizing it…i don’t think..i just live the moment…as full and real as i can…and i realize now…that people really are in one Human twister and everyone is getting to face their turn in the cycle…that girl i saw last night is as hesitant and contradicting as i was two years ago…we all go there.
After almost two hours of noise, crowded thoughts and emotions…I headed home…got in the Ladies carriage (underground)…I checked out every face i could reach with my eyes…99% of girls were veiled…99% of them dressed exactly the same…and 90% of them were holding mobile phones in their hands…One of them shouted out “Du3a2 alrokoob” ordering us to repeat after her…I know it by heart…I liked the reminder…but i didn’t like the order to repeat after her nor the look she gave me when she thought i didn’t repeat.
I just said it, in a low voice and quickly…I know it by heart and i appreciated the reminder!!!
I, as the train movement made every muscle in my body loose, kept thinking why do i feel so beaten…even my body posture was defeated…bored…no, maybe exhausted and drained…I didn’t feel super but i didn’t feel ill neither. It felt as if I’m tired of a big prolonged battle.
Well, I discussed that briefly at the meeting…that i maybe the character who’s up for fighting and making a difference…but I’m also human…a tired human who needs some rest and tenderness.
Dr. agreed…but in a very low voice and a very deep tune she said: Embrace it…as you, always creating a plan B is harming you.
I exclaimed: Do you mean I no longer have the liberty to rebel against painful situations and painful people??Actually i do make an effort and give from my heart because i always know that i have a plan B…It makes me feel safe.
She said in the same tune and with the most compassionate look: No, I’m saying that it’s who you are, to fight and try mend your life -what’s yours in this world- so, embrace that…that bliss you have…and treat it with the same Passion that you are…Alternative plans are no longer an option…you’ve matured in that way!
We changed topics but that meaning kept RINGING in my mind…would i be able to voluntarily give up my right to EXIT the shitty situations people try to drown me in?? am i that big?? am i that tolerant?? and would people want to strive along to make it better?? will they let me fight our demons??