Incoherent thoughts

” When sick, too tired to act and react…thoughts seem rapid, yet blue and don’t contain an ounce of delusion…but, they are thoughts that would never exit their chamber in the mind.”

* The best love quote: “Love is allowing yourself to be silly, foolish and nude around your lover, this is how much you trust him/her with you.”

*  The Good Wife, is the name of the new TV show i highly enjoy these days. and it got me thinking, why do women need to get broken first before they fight and get back on their feet retaining their self-worth back?!! is it because we value love and family so much or because we don’t love ourselves so much?!!

* You really Love me??

    then please don’t hurt me!

* Generous people have it in them by default to: share what they have, wish they have stuff to share, may think of others before themselves, make sacrifices, make compromises…they are not selfish, they don’t feel OK about using others and they don’t appreciate people by how much they own.

* True, Talk is cheap…that’s why there’s always so much from it.

* a day ago, for the first time in my life, I am starting to feel OK about my body.

* The only wish I have is for my kids to grow up in the best way ever…my only worry is: am I giving them what helps??

* I miss my beautiful dad…I don’t miss my ugly dad.

* the question: Is it/he/she/ worth it? is misleading…it should be: Am I worth it?  as giving according to the condition of worth will create a world empty from giving…fact is, no one is worth it…but if we give because we are worth the goodness that adds up in us after each giving, then this world will be a tavern.

* I miss praying in the masjid.

* I feel terrible for -without any intention- setting a bad example…Influence is as dangerous as can be…and if experiencing my free will to mess up made messing up any easier for someone close to me…then i have been a bad influence…and i feel terrible for that…

* Being a good person, is being talented at maneuvering well plotted deceptions created each second by people.

* My little girl is beautiful and my little boy is smart…and i worry about them both because they are too sensitive.

* Now that I know how it started, how it was…i can easily see how will it end. but that is no piece of cake.

* I was asked how do I feel about butterflies, well…they are like flying roses.

* A good meal, a good movie to watch with my loved ones and a good night sleep, do the trick for me these days…I have become simple…once again.

Lies!

I bet they feel that wild crazy music in their heads…I bet it does that to the soul, doing it over and over and over with/without reason…I bet it rottens their air and eventually ruins their lives…the lies!

The heck with it, i just LOVE the song 😀

Enjoy…

Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again

You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

They’ll never see
I’ll never be
I’ll struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

But through my tears breaks a blinding light
Birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched, awaiting me
An open embrace upon a bleeding tree

Rest in me and I’ll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you

Rest in me and I’ll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you

It really hurts!

I’m not sad…I wasn’t sad…This is not a sad post.

Yesterday, April 17th was my dad’s memorial…He passed away three years ago at that exact date…and it wasn’t remembering  that hurt me…i always remember him…it was a couple other things.

  • It was realizing how lazy i have been about approaching the media and reviving his name and his work.
  • It was realizing how the Egyptian media (specially vital programs like masr elnaharda) didn’t remember him.
  • and realizing that till this day i didn’t make his wish, that i make a website containing all his TRUE history, biography and music.

Through out the day while i worked and dealt with family i felt some kind of hurt. I was in a very cynical bad mood and every present half disturbing thing maximized in my head.

All i did was remind my brother and sister that we should read him alfate7a and pray for him…

Later last night i googled his name to find lots of false info about him…and news yet one site made a page for his biography…it was the best i found online yet very very poor in context…so, i am searching for a company that would give me a domain and i will do my best collect his work and pics and info.

No one gets how i feel and I can’t actually talk about it…normally i know how to explain myself but regarding this issue i feel hurt and mad at others for no apparent reason and i shut up.

thing is, Hassan abo elsoud was a very good man and a very good musician and he deserved very good attention…but who am i to speak, being the brat who was too indulged in her own personal struggles to do her duty towards her father.

ra7mat allah 3aleeh…and I’m doing something.

A beautiful lie

Yesterday, today, tomorrow
Fade away like frozen photographs.
Remember, forget
The stakes, the ways you take,
The ways you make the moments pass.
For every regret,
I tell a beautiful lie.
And I would die if you find out.
I tell a beautiful lie every time that I
did not open up my mouth.
All the same, it’s a game,
it’s a play, it’s a war,
it’s a shame that we’re always fighting for.
I don’t mean to cast no blame,
I don’t intend to pretend, I could, never loved you more.
But in the blink of an eye, everything you ever knew can change
And it’s a beautiful lie if you think everything will always stay the same.

Babe.
My babe.
You got a secret – it’s starting to show.
My babe.
Sweet babe.
How long can you keep it?
How far would you go?
You tell a beautiful lie.
You tell a beautiful lie.
And it’s going to, it’s going to drive you crazy.

Babe
My babe.
It’s starting to show.
My babe.
Sweet babe.
How far would you go, go, go to tell a beautiful lie?
Yesterday, today, tomorrow
Fade away like frozen photographs
Remember, forget
Forever.
Lie.

Beautiful lie.

بيض ملون وأشياء أخرى…

وتمر بى الأيام والأحداث وتتكرر رؤى ومناسبات تستدعى أفكار ليست بالضرورة هامة ولكنها تحمل الكثير من الدفء اللا مبرر…

أكاد أقسم أننى قد دونت العام الماضى بذات اليوم مستهزئة بشم النسيم…ذلك اليوم الذى تحتفى به بلدى العزيزة بالكثير من الورود والأسماك ذات الرائحة النفاذة…أعرف أننى سخرت من مناسبة لم أستسيغها يوماً ، لكنى اليوم أشعر بإمتنان شديد لفكرة التقاليد والإحتفاء حتى وإن حملت بين طياتها سُخفٌ ما.

بل لعلى أشعر بالإمتنان لأمى…حاملة لواء التقاليد فى بيتنا الصغير…

فقد إستيقظت بعد العاشرة بقليل إثر نوم غير مستقر وقلق بدأ قرب الفجر ، ولم أجد أمى ولا أولادى بالبيت…فقد كانوا فى جولة قصيرة خارج المنزل …دخلت الى المطبخ لصنع كوب القهوة اليومى لأجد طبقاً عظيماً من البيض المسلوق الملون باللونين الأخضر والأحمر…وعلب بلاستيكية احتوت على فلفل أخضر حار تم تنظيفه وتقطيعه ونقعه بالماء والليمون وبصيلات خضراء مجهزة وقطع مخلية ومقطعة من الفسيخ الذى نجح معطر الجو بأعجوبة فى طرد رائحته النفاذة…

إبتسمت داخلى…فقد صنعت أمى ما لا طاقة لى به…وهو المحافظة على بعض التقاليد والعادات حتى تخلق جواً محبباً راسخاً لدى الأطفال الذين يحتاجون الى روتيناً مستقراً من الذكريات والعادات تقربهم نفسياً من رموز قد تبدو غير هامة ولكنها تصنع ذكريات وألفة وشعور بالإنتماء…

وهكذا تكون أمى بالعيدين ورمضان والمولد النيوى وغيرهم من المناسبات المرتبطة بمشاركات الناس والعائلات…وأناقشها أحياناً فى المعنى المضلل لبعض هذه التقاليد بل وتعارضها مع الشرع والمنطق أحياناً ، فتقول لى : دى شغلتك انتى بقى…فهميهم وعلميهم…اما انا فبغرسهم فى معنى الارتباط والإنتماء بطريقتى.

وبنفس هذا المنطق تفسر لهم تاريخ مصر…بروايات وحكايا لا تخلو من أهواءها الشخصية مثل حب الثورة وعبد الناصر واحترام العلم والثقافة فوق اى مادة…وغيرها من معانى أثرت بها…وبى.

وبالرغم من أن نهجها يحتاج جلسات من الحوار المطول مع اولادى حتى يعوا ابعاد الأشياء إلا أنى أشعر بإمتنان شديد لما تمثله أمى من معانى…لأنها…محور يجمعنا…دفء يجذبنا…وأمى بيتنا الحقيقى.

أضحك الآن…لأننى أتذكر أوقات كثيرة تغضبنى لدرجة الجنون…الجنووووووووون.

وأضحك الآن لأننى ممتنة لإبتسامات أولادى وفرحتهم بنزهة الصباح وإلتفافهم حول الألوان وتحول أناملهم الصغيرة الى قوس قزح من لحم ودم.

بيتنا…الذى هو أمى…به حنان وحب وتفاهم وضجيج وضحكات وإنفعالات وعراك يكفى مصر بأكملها…ويا ليتنى أكون فى مثل قلبها يوماً ما.

ونعم…أكلنا مما جهزته وقد أعجبنى الفلفل الحار جداً 🙂