In an interview, I was asked about my downside…my faults…and i answered that i get angry…I can’t act cool when I’m boiling inside…
Actually i can’t act cool even if I’m just a bit angry.
As a matter of fact, I can’t look happy when I’m sad…can’t look satisfied when I’m not…can’t seem OK when something is on my mind.
My face is as clear as a flawless white china plate, where a point of the palest shade of color shows on it.
So…I heard a lot of complaints about this nature of mine.
Even as a child i used to be a pain because if something troubled me it would show even if we had guests or were throwing a party…If i didn’t like something my face yells it!
I never cried or nagged for something…but i was/am still very sensitive towards hurtful actions or words.
Maybe that’s why most of the time i mean what i say…I choose my language even with friends…I never get too comfy and use cruel language when addressing a friend…and when i fight i mean 90% of every word i speak…10% is often a mess if it’s a big fight to the extent of a “shut mind”.
As a grown up people who spent an average amount of time with me would recognize my upset face…I don’t frown…but my features look exactly as i feel.
At some point, and upon much nagging by many people, i considered trying to control my features…I gave it a very hard try and discovered that: i can master pretending to be sad or angry when I’m not really so…but i could never pretend being happy when I’m disgusted or hurt or provoked.
I can’t keep my cool…not for the sake of wit,winning a million or having a dream come true.
And i don’t consider keeping a poker face while angry or hurt to be a skill or a justified mean towards a a certain end.
I realized that i would be doing good to the people provoking my disgusted/angry/sad face…I won’t be doing myself any good…actually suppressing feelings can give me a stroke.
and why would i give such relief to people who would betray my love…just to ease their minds and don’t force them to face the hurt they inflict?!!
And why would i live in denial and let the liar lie some more…the hurtful hurt some more…the ignorant damage some more…the deception goes on some more? so that people would keep on living as undercover mass destruction utilities?!!
I always choose to face…confront…discuss…fight…cry…ache.
And I always choose to think thoroughly afterwards…decide for the best…give more chances…forgive or forget…hold on or move on.
I can’t change my features. but i can think repeatedly about my status, right after i have expressed myself.
Oh, all the above and i haven’t mentioned my disability to shut up when I’m feeling bad about something…but that’s a whole new post.