A road paved with chocolate truffles

Disclaimer: Semi-Spoiler.

The story was of a mature woman who had everything but maturity. she lacked it because she didn’t quit figure out what was she…she knew she had a profession and she knew she had friends, a husband and a town to live in and walk down its streets everyday…but she never knew passion…she never enjoyed the taste of anything…she never knew how it tastes like to be in love with a man because he shares her passion…she never enjoyed the deliciousness of food, instead she consumed herself in eating and following it by counting calories then feeling guilt because she ate…she never prayed…never talked to gid…never knew what god is and how is he…and at one point she panicked as she realized that she can’t keep living like this…it was that moment late at night when she slept beside him awake and the minute he opened his eyes to speak of another gap between them and said: “I don’t want to travel with you.”,  she then said: ” I don’t want to be married.”

If you would see her you’d either relate or/and think she’s an ungrateful bitch…but fact is…she was just held back by all her self  ignorance…she just had to get to know herself, pleasure and god…

As I watched a movie that i looked forward to watching for some time, I felt such an enjoyment that is actually indescribable…it was like all the times i had those magnificent swiss chocolate truffles.

Every scene in the movie tasted and felt like that…scenes felt like the ones i had here in egypt while driving in some winter late night rides while listening to my favorite music and smiling from enjoyment because i was alone yet having so much joy infused inside of me…

Other scenes tasted like the truffles i had in the dark movie theatre in paris when the saltness and bitterness of my tears were combined with the sweetness of the chocolates…chcolates that were meant to numb the pain i felt then…

Other scenes smelled like the truffles daddy used to share with me on early mornings while telling me the funniest stories about celebrities…

And scenes reminded me of a different sweetness…the kind that fills all my senses when i feel how Allah may whelm me with his kindness although i didn’t do anything to deserve it…

But most of the scenes were just like the times i stuffed my face with truffles without having any sense of taste…not in my mind nor on my taste buds…times when i was numb all over but just doing what i normally do out of habit.

The lady from the movie took off for a long trip in search of the taste of life and passion, in search of god, in search of  herself  and she ended up knowing about all of those and knowing how love really feels.

You would relate…to the exotic search for a truth…to the revealed truth about the illusions we talk ourselves into then feel miserable afterwards…

The movie is entertaining…sensious…inspiring…at several points it was really funny in a corny way (or maybe it was my weird sense of humor)…refreshing…indeed refreshing.

Two cons though:

-Julia Roberts is losing serious volume from her lower lip :S

-There’s a certain margin of silliness and superficiality that i couldn’t neglect.

For best results, get yourself some truffles and watch the movie alone with the intention to enjoy yourself…

Greatest line: “I do not need to love you to prove that i could love myself.”

so much fun 🙂


Being a Hero…

“Being a hero has its price”, she said.

It takes a lot to be heroic at one point…and it takes a lot more to be a hero at all time.

Can anyone be a hero at all time?!

Well, some have the ability to stand up against hardships while taking extraordinary measures…some are braver than most people…some are more strong and more determined.

Those get to be heroes in their own ways…heroes to themselves or to others.

But do they tire?

Is it normal for a hero to give up on some stand he has devotedly and wholeheartedly taken for a long time?

Does it mean he wasn’t really a hero?

Does it make him a coward?

Or is it just that heroes do get affected and do get tired??

Or maybe being a hero for so long or a hero in a major situation may have a price…something that shuts down in him…something that gets messed up…something that gets him hurt so bad that the hero would turn into a fetus who wants to hide in a secure warm womb…giving up all the strength, the determination and the bravery he once had…

Maybe heroes aren’t supposed to be heroes forever…

Maybe putting themselves out their at risk and going an extra few thousands of miles has its toll on them.

After all they are not fire fighters doing a heroic job…the battle may not be against a life threatening situation…no…a hero may get to be extraordinary in living life, examining its dimensions, in standing up for justice or freedom or beauty, practicing passions, helping others, implementing new ideals or reviving old ones, having a cause and devoting his life for it.

The battle of life and facing all the cruelty and stupidity and pain that people inflict upon each other need heroes…need heroic souls…heroic hearts…

But heroes are humans…humans who need to eat and work and raise their kids…and they get affected by each heroic action…heroism signifies their qualities and enriches their souls but scars deep down where no body sees…

Heroes may need a retreat when they get hurt, as heroism has its price…or so she said.

Down and raw…lets deal!

I never knew that i had the ability to shield myself, suppress my fear and set aside my worries for months and months.

I talked about my issues… but i never allowed them to hurt me…I never allowed myself to be vulnerable or to panic…I had a shield of steel  that preserved my emotions…I never realized i had that in me.

Till last night…When the shield was broken by a sharp sting of hurt and the tears started to flood and i couldn’t stop it…not untill i fell asleep crying.

It hurts to be faced by that tremendous amount of fear all at once…and it hurt to cry…i really ached…my heart, my chest and my head…they all ached.

I woke up 5 hours later with an incredible need to continue the crying…to let out the tears that were buried for months…and the need to pray.

It finally hit me…Admitting to fear hurts…bad…but, I am now feeling truly like a faithful in need of the Almighty’s kindness.

And now that it is all nude, exposed, down and raw in front of my eyes.

All the fear and the insecurities are laying there naked infront of me.

I will deal…i won’t drift away from it…

A People’s Country

Hmm…I just had a very nice bubbly chain of thoughts.

What if a certain group of people purchased a big BIG Land somewhere…

They would then sit down and put laws and regulations to maintain their compatible life on the land. (I would have a senior part in that process)

They would plant their food and get cows, chicken and sheep…they would trade home-made goodies like Jams and preserves and bakery…everyone would make what he knows best and they would trade…for money or for goods.

The best teacher would teach the kids and the best Doctor would cure the sick and whoever is a skilled architect will build the houses and the greatest fashion designer will make clothes…people will work either individually or in groups…all will give to all and will take from all…everyone will then have a fair share of everything by rule!

Needed city materials would be bought from the city…they will sell their excess goodies and buy what they want.

They would elect a new principle each YEAR…without any campaigns…and no one will run for it…people would submit their selection based on general production and manners.

Private lives would be maintained but a big monthly picnic will gather everyone for a nice lunch in the open.

A poetic platonic thought??

Well…maybe…but it would be an ideal life, at least for me.

I think that eliminating the rush of power and money and bringing them down to the basics would make a fair environment for kind people to live in.


Actually I know what I’ll be doing…I will bake muffins and teach kids for a living.

I will plant some mint, basil, parsley and lettuce…maybe eggplants and tomatoes too (I can’t live without eggplant recipes).

I will write all the short stories i can think of and make many books…i bet publishers on the “people’s country” will be nice and sweet…wow…i’ll trade my stories for services and goods…I am happy just for the thought.

Oh Oh and I would sing for kids or at house parties or weddings…hmm…no…just for kids 😀

There would be no corporate coldness…no double standards…no cruelty.

And whoever breaks the rules of the country will have to attend to a country council and a civilized action will be taken.

Anyne will be free to leave and anyone who wants in will have to prove he’s compatible.

It will be a country inside a country…any country.

 Do you think it would be boring?

Think again, as humans will get to practice all human sillinesses and faults…but within a reasonable margine 😉

* Part of Jessyz Thursday thoughts.

A “Common sense equals a better life” court!

I dream of a court-house, not like any court house…and definitly not run by Current rules or laws nor the current judges and clerks.

A court-house where people who think that their ideas to change little attitude problems or little severe misjudgments would actually make life a tad better.

This court-house will have intellectual randomly picked from society judges…It will have LOTS of women!

The single case will take one hearing and there will be no lawyers to present the cases on behalf of people…each one gets to plead his case, each one gets to actively be part of the changing process and may he/she win or lose like a sport.

The court will have instant full authority to implement the change if accepted as the common sense that would make life better.

I, of course, will be a familiar face in this court 🙂 I’ll be wesh ma7akem ya3ni he3he3

I will ask that companies who offer small under paid part-time jobs to totally erase a term in their contract saying: “and if the second party caused any moral harm to the organization within a full year will have to pay 50000 pounds”

I will ask for the banning of very nagging harsh and choking attitude from moms…it should be illegal if nothing provoked it but the accidental fall of their child that caused a broken toe…they should be compassionate for god sake.

I will ask that nice treats are to be penalties for any rude or mean or bothering unintended deeds between friends…that way i get to make it up for Insomniac 😉 and the tricky part is, no bad history is allowed afterwards and we get to keep our friends forever and ever and ever 🙂

Those are a few of my cases…what would be yours?

Job “Haunting”

I am job hunting…as you may know already if you’re already a reader of my blog.

The word job has turned into the logo of my everyday concerns and it is haunting me.

I realize though, that i am in a very rich life experement…I’m not trying to be a wise ass here but it’s true…When ever we rebel and ask for a unique place in this world it becomes challenging and it becomes a very rich experience…untill we settle again and the routine absorbs us into its cycle.

As semi-desperate as i am to get a job and turn with the previously mentioned cycle, as i am excited by what i am finding out…the exploration of things…new things that i go through.

Well, I think about the past, i re-evaluate my previous decisions, I reassess my basic expectations…stuff that i took for granted…and i went through my career and i see, now, how i acted from the very first day i took work seriously till now…

I have switched jobs…changed careers massivly…followed my heart…got paid a lot and got paid a few pounds…what all previous experiences had in common was that i had enormous fun working those jobs…they were all interactive…nothing was boring…i was always trying to be satisfied morally…to feel that i am affecting in a functional way…that i’m helping a company to attain unexpected profit or helping a kid getting proper psychological and educational treatment.

Reality hit me when i left two companies where i was paid highly and ranked even higher…I left because i thought it would degrade me to stay…I left because i couldn’t accept certain nastiness, it hit me afterwards when i went -connections free- to find a job in an uncomfortable zone…they judged me for a veil…or they wanted to pay less for more…or they mistakenly thought i was not fierce enough because of my domestic ordinary features…

And that actually challenged me more…i am now not simply job hunting…I am job hunting for a job that would recognize my abilities despite any silly judgment.

I realize everyone is free to believe what they want…and so am I…I won’t submit to others preferences…I will always submit to mine…and if I should like to change my views I will change them…this is my freedom…I decide…I never submit but to god…and out of love and true desire.

So…I will work through a hard path…I am willing to pause the whole big money and high rank thingy…I can work a simpler job that would give me satisfaction…I have no one to help me…and actually, now that things have turned the way they did, I prefer fighting the battle myself and feel an accomplishment -god willing- on my own.

Allah is kind…Allah is very kind and I know yet hope for more kindness…

Sometimes I think of good things i did where i’ve helped people who needed work or fought to promot who deserved a boost…I think of how i always found myself guiding others towards what would benefit them…I think of that and think that Allah will reward me with something good for the good i did…but then i realize how poor those thoughts are…because Allah never gives back…Allah gives from his own kindness and mercy…and the good we do we do it to clarify our hearts and spirits.

So, a proper “Job” will “haunt” me till i post about succeeding against all odds one day on this blog as well…

On a related yet different note, we should really post more positive posts…really!!

Lady Mosquito against the Math

So, Lady mosquito was wandering by the water canal…trying to decide whether to sting the donkey that was taking a bath in the canal or the guy who sat there listening to the radio and watching the sunset.

Lady mosquito thought against having her dinner feast from the donkey, after all…it was grey…too grey…and it looked like his owner had no idea about the basics of bathing.

The romantic guy watching the sunset was a yummier promise, so… the mosquito directed all of the hunger in her into a quick fly towards the guy…she aimed for the neck, the juicier part but to her surprise the guy turned his head suddenly after a woman covered in black, with mud up to her knees called at him…the mosquito was about to crash onto the back of his neck (aka 2afa) but she managed to make a slick manoeuver; yet, she hit something she didn’t see and felt like falling into a narrow curvaceous tunnel.

Seconds passed before she realized she was inside something alive!

she got used to the darkness and managed to hop along the tunnel…she was positive she’d find a way out if she kept moving so she did…and suddenly a huge pale-pink body that produced a very strange vibe shocked her so hard that her tiny extra thin legs melted and were glued to the slimy ground.

The radiations and flashlights blinded her but she was dazzled from the magnificent world she has entered, up until the colored lights formed pictures and sounds that were familiar to her.

“Those pictures and those sounds are human like…oh my god, am i in a human theatre?!”, she questioned.

There was no more time left for her speculations…what was happening in the reoccurring scenes and sounds were amazing enough to shut her mind…she was becoming an enchanted observer…

There was a sound of a man apparently speaking to himself:

“I am a helpful person, a sensitive human being and i have to help out my friend so lets see…ten years ago he supported my promotion request + last fall he bought me a very nice present + when my leg was broken he drove me to work everyday for three weeks = I have to submit to his request and let him ride with me when i take off to Alex…I feel better now being a generous person…afterall…he is going to Alex to visit his dying mother”

The mosquito saw pictures of every incident in the man’s equation and his voice was the back ground…and that tiny hair that was dangling down her head…the hair got electrified while she said: WTF…what a cheap ass!!

Suddenly the slimy ground moved from side to side strongly and she felt like fainting…the most annoying sound overwhelmed the cavity she was in…apparently the man with the voice was in pain…he kept moaning loudly saying: “What the hell is this buzz in my head…it is like a thousand thorns  penetrating my brain.OHHHHHH”.

She realized that she was INSIDE the man’s brain…she was then terrified and she was about to cry and moan herself when she remembered that she could feast over his delicious bloody brain…but again, fear inhibited her and she thought: “what if brain blood is bad for me?! I can’t afford increasing the bad cholesterol any further..enough with all the unhealthy humans i feast from…no…I’ll wait for a clean patch of skin before i suck into a tiny vien…an arm or a leg where all the action happens to clarify the blood stream. I’ll stick to my diet!”

a strong light came from down the tunnel she walked through earlier, and she thought: “could this be it…the  light by the end of the tunnel…am i dying” and she panicked…then she heard someone saying: “your ear tract seems infected but i can’t figure out why…we need more tests…for the time being i’ll prescribe something that will take the pain away…and the buzz”

Another picture glowed in front of her eyes…It was of a man in a white coat shaking hands with a short yet chubby man surrounded by four extra-large men in black suits and sunglasses, then that man handed the one in the white coat a briefcase, the other thanked him and said something that sounded like a promise: “The minister will be taken care of…he is “old” and “sick” and enough is enough…he needs the “rest”…being a veggie ain’t all that bad…not to anyone…after all he won’t be dead…just brain damaged hahahaha” then another shared the laugh…his voice was similar to the one she is now glued to his brain…

She freaked out again…tried as hard as she could to move her feet but she couldn’t…then she screamed: “what the hell are you?? a gangster??get me out of here!”

Another picture with loud sounds broke the silence…the same three guys sitting in a huge Hall surrounded by many men each had a microphone in front of him and each wore a suit and everyone was exchanging little pieces of papers that contained business proposals, pay offs, favour requests, appointments, curses and promises…the most frequent word repeated in that huge place was “the parlimant”…a word she has never heard of before…then boom…the picture was gone.

The man moaned a bit then he was totally silent…only a rhythmic sound of his breath was heard…she then saw a vague picture of floating clouds with things written in them…calculations…equations…quotations:

(10 000 000 to approve illegal shipment + 2 000 000 commission from the north coast land – 3 000 000 price of villa for samira the mistress = 9 000 000 net profit for the month)

(money+power) x 10 more years = eternal happiness in my beautiful country side villa by the water canal.

(I have to get rid of sheikh osman…the guy is offensive…he calls me a criminal and acts like he means well and keeps nagging about my redemption…he has to go…no one knows about the “accidental” shooting but him)

Lady mosquito cried till she slept standing…after a while she woke up…she felt drained and exhausted…she was dying from starvation…she knew she had to have some brain blood…so she blocked her nose and sucked some from a  luscious reddish spot…she became energetic and alive again…she had strength to pull her legs away from the ground…she turned around and headed outside the cavity saying that she has learned the lesson and will never think donkeys are yucky…she promised to never approach a human, humans might as well take a restriction order against her if they wanted…she wouldn’t care less…

She reached out…struggled to fly…but eventually did…she had happy tears of liberty in her eyes…

After she thought she was far enough to be safe…she looked back at the man who traumatized her with his mind…she saw him collapse to the ground…she waited around to see what will happen to him…she heard the man in the white coat saying: “Brain contamination…rare fatal condition…very rare!!”  

I’m mad at People!

This is a rant.

No, a burst.

Or whatever…

I am mad at people…some people i allowed to get close to me…and general people’s behavior. I am mad because frankly -with total sincere modesty- I am an added value to everyone i called “a loved one”.

I am fed up with people using my love and abusing it for their own humorous sadistic tendencies…I would care and love someone but that wouldn’t make me their door matt or call girl.

I am angry at their random meanness…their casual talteesh and cruel remarks…when I need support I should get it naturally from people who claim to love me, not get the mocking and the neglect of my needs.

I am provoked by their arrogant smile that speculates that they know of me more than what i am stating.

I am annoyed by the fact that they neglect what they already know about me, being an open straight forward person and treat me as if I’m hiding something while i’m really not hiding anything simply because I am not a coward…I face and fight if i have to.

I am irritated by their totally unnecessary tanaka…and it is unnecessary because I never batanek 3ala 7ad simply because i am too confident and too nice to abuse anyone to feel superior…and most importantly i wouldn’t do that to people I love.

I am furious at everybody who’d see me and notice signs that i am being tired, busy, sick, sleepless or burdened by life matters and automatically assume i have problems with my husband…well, I almost never lie and never act…and they being close would know if i have any problem in my marriage and facts are: 1) I am a responsible human being with many obligations at hand and life can be stressful and loaded at time. 2) My relationship with my husband has been doing great for a long time…so, bite it!!

I have had enough from being used to feed someone else’s gossip diet…Private people’s life is PRIVATE…not a TV show we can discuss with total strangers.

I am disappointed at people’s ability to hide and act as if they have no idea something has happened while they are being dumb liars.

I will not accept anyone attempting to take advantage of me, to stick around with an ultimatum or step all over me mistaking my kindness for weakness.

Whoever is willing to love me and treat me with utter respect just as I am is more than welcomed to be part of my heart and life…whoever refuses to recognize how proper and respectful and supportive relationships should be could really fuck off!!!

Good news is: Now that i am done with venting about people’s crap I’ve been facing…I can focus on my own with a clear vision and an honest spirit.


Let’s just NOT call it a birthday!!

Come On…give me a  break…just use your mind a bit!!

So, here’s how it started:

My sweetest Jeeka asked to share a cake with her classmates on her birthday, which happens to be today ().

I wrote to her class teacher to ask if it was OK and appropriate to squeeze in the schedule a quick bite of cake.

The teacher replied via the “Chanel book” and said it was Ok but she wrote: “Let’s just not call it a birthday, it would be like a dish party…as birthdays are 7aram (forbidden)”

 OK, I am a reasonable person and I am someone who actually has a good idea about my religion (giving the fact that i studied it, practiced it fully at some point in my life and I believe in it at all time).

I know why some scholars refuse the birthday concept… because it is a new trend to feast over someone’s birthday…and some “religious” people just copied that opinion without giving it much thought.

And thinking is actually applicable in such small matters…As whether to celebrate birthdays or not is not a matter of conviction or something that has been stated in our holy book or mentioned in the profit’s (PBUH) teachings.

And I think that getting an 8 year old girl a heart-shaped chocolate cake and a toy and celebrating that her tiny hands got a tad bigger or that she has grown a little taller would never upset Allah from us.

I mean, Allah the almighty, the loving, the merciful is way closer and way bigger than such small stuff.

While i’m defending a little girl’s giggles over a cake and some confetti, I am totally against wild partying where many sins can be done and extravagant celebrations…I am just pro simple excuses to have a little fun for a change…

A birthday is actually a good chance to make our loved ones feel special and pampered because in the midst of our crazy lives we do need such a break in our stiff routines.

7aram and 7alal has been the game of tennis between people who have absolutely no idea how Allah really is…

I believe that If we really cared to know Allah we would actually enjoy our religion…we would enjoy praying, giving to the poor, being good to eachother and knowing the Quran.

We let other frowned interpretations create a big solid wall between us and our faith.

We look around and see religious people contradict their own words every single day so we create bigger walls and start drifting away from the faith tavern that was meant to be given to us.

Being faithful is beautiful…Allah loves us…We can enjoy being devoted to you religion and We can enjoy obeying Allah only if we broke the walls, neglected other people and got to know him.

My little cute pie turned eight years old today, Happy birthday and everyday sweet Jumana 🙂