Inside Rasha’s head

First sign of silliness is referring to myself as rasha…warning sign!! warning sign!!

it has been a weird time for me recently.

Nothing feels like it always felt.

I am going through sad stuff and when i stop and try read my actions and feelings for the phase i feel astonished that it doesn’t resemble what i would have felt like or acted like two years ago.

Have i grown? well…maybe…

Is it because what i’m facing now hits the true core? yes…another maybe..

And maybe it’s both…combined…

And the difference between past hard time and this one is that i am not impulsively reacting to my pain. I am not doing anything stupid that would inflict more hurt upon me.

I am being quite and sad yet not dramatic.

I am sure that i have changed. I am positive that finally life experiences, difficulties, therapy and the gained realization of my self value have all created the new person i am now.

I look back almost five years ago and remember how i treated myself into a new mess up every time i messed up…how hurting myself more was the pain-killer that caused me more injuries…

Now, i know for sure that i have healed…that i, now, have the ability to mourn without  killing more senses as i go.

I am grateful for the past two years, with all their troubles, with all the struggle, with all the hurt, i am grateful because i had love that concurred that all and i had warmth that won over all that, and i had strength to push towards a better life…that might not have seen full success but it was indeed an added value to my mind, my heart and a positive support towards my healing.

Maybe this is why i am sad…not sad as in whining…no…sad as in grief…and i am not trying to wallow in it…actually i am taking Ahmed’s long life advice and i am taking life one day at a time.

As grief is a deep sense of sorrow in the heart that only shows how major the loss was.

And grief doesn’t dispense or neglect memories and cherishing towards the lost. no, if anything,  it generates an everlasting emotion that will treasure it forever.

So, i might be sad but i am proactive…i am there for my kids, i am not going mad on them, i am taking care of my business, i am respecting myself more than i have ever done in my adult life, i can see a peaceful future and i am really hopeful and optimistic that Allah would grant me and my loved ones a calm satisfied life.

I feel a great difference in me. even when my tears fall -and that is a lot i admit-  they do not fall angrily…they fall gracefully…they fall because of that little pinch in the heart that mourns what i had to let go of…what i was forced to lose…and what i needed to gain.

The tour in my head has ended for now…in my head there’s a tear and there’s a smile.

And all i can ask of Allah  is peace…for everyone 🙂

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