2011- Revolutionary year!

January has always been the month where all the slow things begin.

It is the first month of the slow year…slow motivation…slow actions.

but not any more…not to me personally and not to my country.

Last year, i posted how i despised and resented my beloved country for the first time…how i felt alienated and unprivileged in it…how i wanted to relocate to some other land.

Well…Now, it is a TOTALLY different story…now i have hope…now i can love Egypt again, like i always did all my life…now i can feel how closely do i belong, just like i felt all my life…now i can’t imagine being anywhere else, just like i have always since i was a child.

It has been a really long time since we had hope that life could be different…

It has been ages, as the ast time other countries looked at Egyptians with pride instead of the humiliating look they give us, was back in history and before i was born.

It has been ages since we’ve shown the kind of power we have shown in the last few days.

I wish i could marsh and shout and beat and get beaten…but for the two times i’ve moved towards the protest, i moved late and unorganized that i had nothing there to do but help with news, attempt to help protestors or merely just be there sharing or being close if my help was needed…

And during that time i found too many extreme mixed feelings…maternal feelings towards kids left at home… feelings towards friends with me whom i care for their safety…fear from the force…HATE towards force…solidarity with Egyptians…enthusiasm set on fire…and to my surprise i kept picturing myself attacking soldiers or thugs, but i didn’t…and i kept visualizing colors of brutality inflicted upon me by people in my personal life…and i felt the same resentment and hate…as if personal pain is personified in the forces down town Cairo…

All the ache, pain, hate and resentment i felt in my life had another mirrored form in the ache, pain, hate and resentment i felt while seeing and being among the protestors fleeing from tear gas bombs and gun shots…the amounts of security forces dressed in black with their shields and helmets were the manifestation of the demons responsible for every pain i went through…

As evil is from the same origin…cause formes of harm…cause formes of hate…and cause formes of REVOLUTION.

young men got beaten in front of my eyes…young men were detained in front of my eyes…and police thugs moved calmly in their casual outfits among thousands of people and we could spot them…we identified them by the monstrous look on their faces.

January 25th and 26th were two days that reformed the Egyptian life and rewrote the Egyptian modern history…and I got to live it and witness it and participate with a minor shade…a shade more sheer than pale white…but at least  i was there…

I was there and many weren’t…Many were lame and cold..Many were too numb to feel or react…Many lost hope and couldn’t see the hope in the revolution…many are drowning themselves to death in self loathing.

Many didn’t get the beating Amr Salama took, nor shouted like Amr waked shouted….Many weren’t detained like Basil Fateen (writer), Many didn’t inhale tear gas like I and my friends along with thousands of Egyptians have…Many weren’t chased down the streets and Many didn’t take rubber bullets and were injured or even dead…

If only 1/80 from the population got down to the streets…this country would have the freedom we seek…and,

Change has always been scary for me…as i have always loved to have security and stability…but now i know…that change is like giving birth…it might be hard and painful…but always promising and vibrant and full of life.

2011…is a good year…keep surprising me please…personally and nationally.

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Life is good, a tag!

 

Sharifo, my dear bro. passed me this tag card…this is a nice switch of mood.

I agree, life is good…yeah…it is…i’m trying here…it is good…ok…hello!!

 

1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren’t anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?
I would never be happy to blog anonymously…tried it once and failed big time…best friends who knew me blew my cover…ask Fadi, he’d tell you 😀

Although i take a lot of heat for my sharp tongue and real opinions, i wouldn’t have it any other way…i’d rather face my faults and other’s than fake idealism in me and others.

2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side
Hmmm…well…OMG, the thoughts that came to mind!! :S

Lets just say that I’m too stubborn for my own good…among other things 😀

3. What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?
the female version of my father 😀

and some extra pounds…and some qualities i couldn’t have more of and some other qualities i would LOVE to get rid of…b2ekhtesar, one large sac of mixed goods!

And many times i see a tired drained person…but i throw a ball of water on that image and shake away the image then start fresh…all over again.

4. What is your favourite summer cold drink?
ICE TEA baby!

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?
a. write stories
b. Watch movies, or TV shows i love
c. practice my art to eat chocolate as slowly as possible
e. I really dig nice conversations with friends

6. Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?
YES…many…a whole lot…i wanna be rich and famous and successful and travel the world and enjoy love at its purist forms (my kids my kids my kids)

7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching?
I was the chief of the gang…the trouble provoker…the one behind the riots and oh god we had riots!

8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?
The point when my kids grew enough to hold me when I’m crying and crack me up from laughter when I’m down…we exchange support now 🙂

9. is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?
It is not easy but my bet is always on the good heart and understanding open mind they have…but then again, even if they weren’t of that type…I feel it’s how i prefer writing and it’s who i am.

10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

depends on who I’m talking to on the phone 🙂

If it’s just gossip and blabber…no…a book is way more interesting.

I pass this tag to…umm:

Fadi, Insomniac and Gohary

Where is the soul?

One of the best book club meetings was on yesterday.

The gloomy skies…the cold chill…and the rain, failed to have any toll on us.

We sat there totally and fully mesmerized by the book…our presence and how the closure was as the book came to an end.

last story in the book “women who run with the wolves” was of …

a girl who was always told not to go to the woods..the tribe warned and warned about the woods and the wolf hiding in there.

the girl answered: “This is my life, not a fairy tale, i have to go to the woods and i have to meet the wolf, or else my life will never begin.”

And she went and found the wolf trapped…she wanted to help it and she said: how do i know you won’t harm me? how do i know you won’t kill me and leave me lying in my bones?

“wrong question,” said the wolf. “you’ll just have to take my word for it” and the wolf began to cry and wail…

“ohhh, aieeee! aieeee! there’s only one question worth asking fair maiden, woooor aieeee th’ sooooool?”

 

 

 

The girl took the chance and sprang the trap and the wolf was et free…it thanked the girl and as she spoke out words like: “come on now…kill me and let us get it over with”

The wolf said: “i am a wolf of another time and place” he gave her an eyelash of his and asked her to use it and be be wise as from now on she will know who is good and not so good…she will look through his eyes and will see clearly.

and again he wailed: “wooor aieee th’ soooool?

she went back to her village and started holding up the wolf’s eye lash and she saw with it the evil…the motives…she was saved from so many misfortunes…

and after seeing the evil she began to grow immense at heart…and began to see the good:

She saw those who were truly kind and went near them,

She found her mate and stayed all the days of her life,

She discerned the brave and came close to them,

She saw bewilderment under anger and hastened to soothe it,

She saw love in the eyes of the shy and reached out to them,

She saw suffering in the stiff-lipped and courted their laughter,

she saw all things with her lash of wolf…all things true and all things false

All things turning against life and all things turning toward life…

 

see… the most important question in order to see into and behind, to weigh the value of all that lives: Where is the soul?

And the soul is in “the woods”…

We, my companions and i sat there on the damp grass…under a grey cloud…we were overwhelmed by the magic of stories for healing and educating or for entertainment…

We talked and laughed and welcomed a few rain drops…

And, I don’t remember when was the last time when words hit my heart and soul so hard that i feel i breathe them…i breathe them and i taste them and they clear my sight and my heart and my spirit.

As now i know where my power to sustain or overcome has driven…from where do i get the guts to try, agree, rebel, claim and refuse…I’ve always though it was from the gift of passion i have…or my ability to renew faiths and take myself a step ahead always…and I’ve always thought i was bold and wild because i had less valuables to care for…sometimes i felt it was because i am less…but fact is…it is because i am in touch with the soul…my soul…other souls…I am highly connected to the soul…and maybe my unconscious search for the soul in everything is giving me clarity to see the goodness among the most turbid souls…and maybe now that i am sure of what i desire to seek it will give me more clarity to see the evil and the good and to really go after the soul more.

If i said i am overwhelmed by this story and the use of words in it i would be understating it.

I find much beauty and depth in sentences like “She saw suffering in the stiff-lipped and courted their laughter”

I want to be that girl…

I want to be that girl…

 

اعتقد..عقبالنا..ممكن؟؟

لما شفت الفيديو ده…فيه شعب ثار..شعب فجأة ظهر انه كبير وانه قادر وانه شايف وحاسس وقوى…

كان اول احساس انه: عقبالنا يا رب

بعدين غصيت فى الكلمة لما جه ينطقها لسانى…لانى اعتقد مش واثقة

مش واثقة ان الشعب…كل الشعب…او حتى معظم الشعب…كبير او قادر او شايف او حاسس او قوى

مش واثقة ان اللى فينا كبير هو قادر…او اللى فينا قادر هو قوى او القوى حاسس او شايف…حاسه ان الناس اللى شايلة هم بلدها بجد وايديها فى النار هما قليلين جداً…مش واثقة ان القلة دى تقدر تهز عرش القوة الاكبر…ولو بالعدد…شعبنا الكتير ده تلات ارباعة اما الفقر كسر ظهره وعينه وقلبه اللى بقى متعلق فى ورق البنكنوت بين الموت والحياة… او الغِنَى كاسر احساسه بالحق والعدل والانسانية والحرية والفعالية

الشعب التونسى…اللى كل المصريين كانوا بيتريقوا عليه طول عمرهم…الشعب اللى كنا واصمين ستاته بالعُهر ورجالته بفقدان الهوية وعاملين الموضوع نكتة وضحكة وقفشة…الشعب ده عمل حاجة سحرية…غير متوقعة…صلبة…فعالة…الشعب ده جعل رئيس دولة يهرب…يمشى…يفر…

كان حد فينا يصدق؟؟

نقدر نعمل حاجة؟؟

آه…نقدر…بس يا ترى عايزين نقدر؟؟

قدها؟؟

احنا كشعب ايه اللى شاغلنا عن إعمال الحق؟؟ احوالنا العاطفية؟؟ مين ساب مين ومين حب مين ومين واخد بمبة فى مين بس بيقاوح؟؟ ولا شاغلنا المزيد والمزيد من الجنس باى شكل وباى ثمن؟؟ ولا شاغلنا ازاى نجيب فلوس وازاى نصرف فلوس؟؟ ولا شاغلنا ازاى نعمل دماغ لما بقى معظم الرجالة ونص الستات اما مسطول او بيدور على حاجة تسطله؟؟

 والفئة الساذجة الشقيانة من الشعب لو اتسألت عن منتهى امانيها حتقول: اربى العيال واجهز اخواتى واروح احج انا وامى….ولو سألتها عن التغيير وحال البلد يردوا: هو احنا نفسنا الاسعار تقل شوية والمرتبات تزيد شوية بس ثورة لا…اللى نعرفه احسن من اللى منعرفوش

 

مين اللى يستحق يبقى نكتة؟؟ ايه هو العُهر الحقيقى؟؟ عُهر الشهوة ولا عُهر المقصد والهوية والقيمة؟؟

اعتقد..عقبالنا لما نسمع بلادى بلادى لكى حبى وفؤادى…ممكن؟؟

 

and the story is…

I am so proud of myself these days…yes…i think i am through with the modest phase where everyone expects you not to cheer up for yourself and wait for others to do it…I need to let myself self infuse!

I am so proud because i still have my focus…i am still in charge of my actions…nothing is misleading me and there’s nothing that i desire to mislead me…

I am so proud that i haven’t changed…while i see people around me lose a part of them when they go through something hard…i see some lose innocence…lose pride…or lose kindness…I thank god that i don’t feel like i lost any of my rooted values. and no…i am not delusional 🙂

so…my “new” phase is being good to me…and i work hard to make myself good in it.

Thing is, when certain circumstances happen in your life , and you spend time living it or fighting for it then it ends…people notice or they know from you or they gather the notion.

They might ask you about it, or ask you to share feelings or merely want to make sure you are OK…and some choose to not be involved on an emotional level so they trust that you are Ok and let you be or just mention it coldly as they would mention the weather or the latest news.

In all ways, if you are ok, you will be ok…

People like me, answer when they are asked…i answer in a brief, shorthanded words…i answer in a decent way…i don’t wallow, i don’t exaggerate and i don’t trash involved parties…

but after i answer…i feel pretty strange…i feel like it is unfortunate that the story is being briefed to a few headlines…just like how a movie is…

see, in a 2 hour movie…they don’t act the long waiting for stuff to happen…the minutes that pass by like months…the days that are dragged out of your life like dragging a branch of thorns out of your flesh…the pain that chokes the mere life out of you…the sleepless nights that pass heavily in slow motion that you can no longer breathe…the tears…the laughters…the soulful feelings…the amount of warmth and the counter amount of disappointments…each and every incident that provoked a joke or a fight…months that pass and hold with it something precious added to your heart or something precious broken in your heart…movies compress a whole phase of life into 2 hours on-screen….

just like i do when i am asked…i compress years into four lines that mean in one way or the other: allah gab…allah khad…allah 3aleih el3awad.

Sometimes i wish i didn’t have a story to tell…yet, i realize that having a story to tell is having a life…a history… a meaning..a vlaue…the depth…the richness and the experience.

My stories are many…my life has been/is rich as i always live it with the passion i was granted and the passion i fight to keep vivid.

Each story of mine is like a whole movie…and someone else’s life time.

and although the closest people don’t know but a fraction of how my life was…i still feel that i have a tribe living in me…each has a life…and i often feel i’m too much to be handled and too much to handle.

but the concept of phasing has helped me put some stuff reasonably behind in order to focus on the present and have hope in the future.

I am proud of myself cause i am in control…sensing my value and acting upon it…maintaining my dignity…acting rational and most of all because, i can clearly prioritize!

Allah has granted me peace that i have NEVER had before…sub7an allah, he is so generous and merciful…al7amd leek ya rab!

A message from an anonymous!

An offline messages from someone…it made me shiver as it had only this do3aa2…the one do3aa2 that always made my tears fall.

On that particular day, profit Mohamed (pbuh) was insulted and attacked by people of quraysh who were fighting his call for Islam…he walked away hurt and when he was totally alone in the desert he said this do3aa2…he addressed Allah the almighty saying:

( اللهم إليك أشكو ضعف قوتي وقلة حيلتي وهواني على الناس ، أرحم الراحمين أنت ؛ ارحمني ، إلى من تكلني ؟ إلى عدو يتجهمني ، أم إلى قريب ملكته أمري ؟ إن لم تكن غضبانا علي فلا أبالي ، غير أن عافيتك هي أوسع لي ، أعوذ بنور وجهك الذي أشرقت له الظلمات وصلح عليه أمر الدنيا والآخرة أن تنزل بي غضبك أو تحل علي سخطك ، لك العتبى حتى ترضى ولا حول ولا قوة إلا بك)

I fail to translate such powerful touching words…

I will just say: Ameen!

2010 in review (insider from WP)

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 5,900 times in 2010. That’s about 14 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 146 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 162 posts. There were 41 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 3mb. That’s about 3 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was September 9th with 111 views. The most popular post that day was May the Quran burning be the light….

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were qwaider.com, omraneya.net, twitter.com, Google Reader, and facebook.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for being a hero has its price, breathnotes, lazy butt syndrome, breathnotes.wordpress.com, and who invented ok.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

May the Quran burning be the light… September 2010
8 comments

2

Being a Hero… October 2010
4 comments

3

About * February 2007

4

My good old blogging days… December 2010
22 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com,

5

Second marriages… March 2010
4 comments

(With this post i Finally say Goodbye to 2010 and its phase and i welcome a new year..with all what it could promise…Thank you blogging friends and readers for making this blog interesting, Rasha)