I am so proud of myself these days…yes…i think i am through with the modest phase where everyone expects you not to cheer up for yourself and wait for others to do it…I need to let myself self infuse!
I am so proud because i still have my focus…i am still in charge of my actions…nothing is misleading me and there’s nothing that i desire to mislead me…
I am so proud that i haven’t changed…while i see people around me lose a part of them when they go through something hard…i see some lose innocence…lose pride…or lose kindness…I thank god that i don’t feel like i lost any of my rooted values. and no…i am not delusional 🙂
so…my “new” phase is being good to me…and i work hard to make myself good in it.
Thing is, when certain circumstances happen in your life , and you spend time living it or fighting for it then it ends…people notice or they know from you or they gather the notion.
They might ask you about it, or ask you to share feelings or merely want to make sure you are OK…and some choose to not be involved on an emotional level so they trust that you are Ok and let you be or just mention it coldly as they would mention the weather or the latest news.
In all ways, if you are ok, you will be ok…
People like me, answer when they are asked…i answer in a brief, shorthanded words…i answer in a decent way…i don’t wallow, i don’t exaggerate and i don’t trash involved parties…
but after i answer…i feel pretty strange…i feel like it is unfortunate that the story is being briefed to a few headlines…just like how a movie is…
see, in a 2 hour movie…they don’t act the long waiting for stuff to happen…the minutes that pass by like months…the days that are dragged out of your life like dragging a branch of thorns out of your flesh…the pain that chokes the mere life out of you…the sleepless nights that pass heavily in slow motion that you can no longer breathe…the tears…the laughters…the soulful feelings…the amount of warmth and the counter amount of disappointments…each and every incident that provoked a joke or a fight…months that pass and hold with it something precious added to your heart or something precious broken in your heart…movies compress a whole phase of life into 2 hours on-screen….
just like i do when i am asked…i compress years into four lines that mean in one way or the other: allah gab…allah khad…allah 3aleih el3awad.
Sometimes i wish i didn’t have a story to tell…yet, i realize that having a story to tell is having a life…a history… a meaning..a vlaue…the depth…the richness and the experience.
My stories are many…my life has been/is rich as i always live it with the passion i was granted and the passion i fight to keep vivid.
Each story of mine is like a whole movie…and someone else’s life time.
and although the closest people don’t know but a fraction of how my life was…i still feel that i have a tribe living in me…each has a life…and i often feel i’m too much to be handled and too much to handle.
but the concept of phasing has helped me put some stuff reasonably behind in order to focus on the present and have hope in the future.
I am proud of myself cause i am in control…sensing my value and acting upon it…maintaining my dignity…acting rational and most of all because, i can clearly prioritize!
Allah has granted me peace that i have NEVER had before…sub7an allah, he is so generous and merciful…al7amd leek ya rab!