I love deeply but i don’t love much.
Most of the time i like people or dislike them…i rarely love them…i don’t usually invest deeper feelings, or to be more honest…i don’t allow myself to get attached.
But on the few occasions i do attach, i really and deeply and faithfully and devotedly care…to an extent that such very close friends or family become as essential to me as my kids or my mom…and with that depth comes a whole package…a package that was the main reason why i hardly allowed myself to get too close to someone.
I fear for my loved ones…i become protective…i become so uptight when it comes to their safety and well-being.
A choking kind of love i assume..well, at least to some.
Accordingly i get mad and lose my cool…my blood pressure hits the roof and anger shuts down my better judgment and steam comes out from every possible opening in my body.
I fail to maintain my generally nice attitude and sometimes i try to imagine how i must look like in one of those burst outs and i think positively that i turn from the angelic baby face teddy roosh to a devilish -thin lol- woman dressed in red leather and holding a huge fork in her hand while sticking out her claws.
I feel that either my anger would kill me or my love will do the job.
Of course if the bad way applies on my beloved friends and distant family, it maximizes upon my kids.
I love them with every fraction of a cell in my body and every fraction of my being…LOVE…i mean i would easily DIE for them…I want the BEST thing in this world for them…I can’t tolerate any form of harm to ever touch them…or ever be inflected by themselves.
Last night i freaked out when my kid explained coldly that he didn’t find enough time during the Quran exam to write two required Surahs…I thought: WHAT…my SON coldly LEFT TWO QUESTIONS and didn’t even feel bad about it…then, boommmm trrrrrrrakh brrrrrrrakh crrrrrrak!!
(of course the rational speech was delivered to him afterwards)
so, i am adding emotion control to my 2011 wish list.
Will cool down, contain myself, 7a7ot 3ala alby a zillion watt marawe7 and detach as much as i could.
May love revive me…not kill me.