It was never easy for me to focus…through out my life, i would either see clearly or blur totally. Focus was never intended…was never a tool i used and was never one of my skills.
I was introduced to its importance a few years back and as part of my therapy. and boy, was it hard to learn to focus especially when it came to emotions…and since my emotions usually used to drive me rather than my rational thinking, it was an almost impossible thing to master.
But with time…With practice…With experiencing certain hardships that forced me to use that newly learned skill, i started to earn its bliss bit by bit, untill my mind took some of the control it had unconsciously let go of in favor to my heart…i even learned how to intentionally lose focus when it caused a counter reaction…
And yesterday…i discovered a whole new meaning of focus.
Yesterday i was interviewed by a journalist where i had to tell the journalist a story of mine…a real life story.
Have you ever tried to tell a true painful story of yours to a complete stranger?? i mean a story that happened over the course of years…and to someone who’s not interested in you one bit but in the story…and to a cause where you are totally aware that you should be brief, 100% honest and clear??
I mean TOTALLY honest…even the little hidden facts that you always keep for yourself to keep your pride or the little lies that helped you see the situation more reformed than it really was or the little editing you intentionally did to make a hurtful story line appear more poetic…TOTALLY honest!!!
And brief…the journalist asked specific questions and wanted THE answers…no swirling around the answer…just blunt answers.
And i am someone who doesn’t usually lie…especially when asked…i almost never answer falsely to a question unless great harm is going to happen to another person because of my answer…so it was easy to answer truthfully.
BUT…it was not easy at all to view the story that clear and that blunt.
There is another set of facts that reveal when you see a story clearly. you, then, see the true meaning…the clear value…what you really did…how stupid you really were…or how ugly others were.
And a painful sting penetrated my heart…i thought: if only i knew how to rip off all the sugar-coating bull shit we do to wrap ugliness with just to humiliate ourselves…If only i knew how to see a story -while i’m at it- that clearly and that honestly and that bluntly…I would have saved myself a whole lot of wasted years and heartache…
but after a few minutes…i breathed out a great amazing sigh of relief…seeing bluntly the story showed me as bluntly that i was never at any point shameful.
I may have been blind…naive…stubborn…anything…but i never justified being shameful and i never allowed myself or anything to disrespect my dignity by accepting disgrace…in the most ugly situations i fought for my dignity…never misled it in the name of anything…even the name of love (which in my opinion is a great a greater pit of crap).
And maybe that is what really matters in life…To be dignified as a human being…no matter what happened…regardless of the story…that is what really really matters.
Thing is…all the truth, clarity and real value you need to save your dignity is laying right under your nose waiting for you to just look…
We can be focused and accept the truth while we’re in the story and before it ends onto us.
We can contribute to the scenario…we really can choose a story line…at least then…the ending would never be shameful…never!!
I miss you beyond expression.
I miss calling you every night…Sometimes I forget you are not here any more and I pick up the phone to call you.
Forgive me for being angry at you…I sometimes get angry only because I love you…and because I missed you…I missed you all my life…way before you died.
Now…I feel grateful for what you left me…You left me a passion for art and a legacy of your music.
Yesterday As i was driving to the book club i put on a CD where you sang with your voice in a rehearsal…It was so warm and so precious and so painful to hear your voice talking and singing.
Dear Daddy, four years have passed…they feel so much longer…a lot has happened in my life;
Things that you would have prevented me from doing…people you would have protected me from…Accomplishments you would have embraced me for…I did screw up at times, but daddy, I did mend…I am trying my best…I have pursued little triumphs that would have made you proud of me.
Today i signed with a publisher who’s interested in my writing…your name and mine will be on books dear daddy…proud?
Your grand children whom you adore are doing great alhamdulelah…Your music is alive…with my little limited resources i am doing my best to make it alive…I promised you a website that contains all your biography, i couldn’t do that but i created a facebook page that is quite as good…you don’t know what facebook is!
I never forget my voice…my music…I live them for you and for myself…Jumana sings beautifully too…and Hassan has an amazing ear for music…I am writing…I am loving…and I never stop remembering you.
sometimes when i have the urge to break the rules I think of you and walk straight…People always greeted you that you had good kids…respectful kids…They were always amazed that an “artist” had three decent kids…Well, my brother and sister are more than amazing daddy…
I do my best be that…I do my best not disappoint you…and not disappoint myself.
If you were alive, would you have forgiven my mistakes??
Some how…I know you would have…You were always understanding, friendly and open minded…you were very strict in a lovely way.
You gave me so little time as a dad but you carved so much in me when you could.
Sometimes I hate myself for resenting things related to you…Sometimes I think that I don’t forgive you…but, now i know for sure that i do…I love you so much and appreciate everything that formed my spirit and my mind.
May you rest in peace…May all the good and generosity you’ve done for all the people I knew of after you passed away would be rewarded.
I am who i am because of everything you were.
I love you…
Will you always turn your back?
leave on a bleeding track…
Will you always walk away?
pump into the walls of the lane
fit in as it closes on you again…
hide the tears that fall and sway
from side to side afraid to say
How hurt you are…what they did…
Will their noise forever be your tone
Will the lights dim the black and crack the bone
should your eyes burn with their sting
Will it drive you insane and turn you to stone
You smile You smile You smile
Support him and stand for a while
and they would shoot
and your heart… your root
will always long away and away
and your tears will fall yet sway and sway
see, your lane is longer than long
and the walk is anything but strong
and the shake in your hands will point who’s to blame
and the break in your voice will scream his name
and the sight of the tiles stretching afar
and the ache in your heart will deepen the scar
and life will all be the lane
as you walk wishing it ends
and it will end
but the lane will carve your name…
*Inspired by Alicia…
Summer in Egypt has various shades, depending on which area of egypt you are in.
Downtown and business/market areas it SO hot and SO crowded and sweaty all the time in summer.
Coast line has amazing breeze, sunshine, sparkling waters and not annoyingly humid (If yo stay away from Alex).
Country side…So green…so fresh…so hot and no one i know goes there…I don’t have a place i can call: 3andena fel balad….where families bring their tons of natural butter and fteer mshaltet…My mother’s city is Alexandria and my father’s ancestors are from m7ala but he was born in Beirut and raised between Libya and italy then he settled in Egypt…living between Alex and Cairo…so i get my fteer usually from Omar’s Oasis 😀
Cairo people find themselves a few spots where they could enjoy summer without having to drive for 2 to 3 hours to the coast.
Private clubs where we can enjoy swimming…Hotels and resorts…and Nile cruises or nile viewing restaurants.
Why all the talk about summer in Cairo? Because It feels great that summer has started, although i have been always a winter girl…still am…but i need the pool…exposure to the sun…light clothing…the freshness of change.
Strangely, despite many annoying stuff happening within my social circle and in spite of the chaotic political life that really consumes a big part of my day…I am optimistic…I wish for the best to come…I sort of know that all will sort out with time…everything always does…and while we work, give things time and act in the right direction…we need to live…fully live…we owe it to ourselves…we owe it to life!
So…Welcome summer…sandals…Sun tan…splashing waters….new hopes…renewed faith in goodness…new realities…
It’s a new season 🙂
A group…Apparently everything in life is bound to form groups.
Life is run by a group of people with mutual interests to make the biggest fortunes sucking people’s blood.
In politics, there are groups within a government…groups within a political party…and groups within ministries.
In businesses, there are groups within the company…groups within the departments…and freakin’ groups within the groups.
It is driving me crazy…I am not a group person…I may like someone in particular and do my best never let that show at work, like that girl who was my assistant in my old company…I LOVED her…she was so kind, so pure like babies and so good at work…she was amazing…I supported her fully while always trying to be fair and objective.
I am not a group person…I am a company person…some colleagues like me and some hate me and I go along just fine with both.
And when someone like me joins an online business/professional group it becomes a true challenge…especially if the group creator is a narcissist bitch…A group admin who never allows anyone to disagree or question the GREAT experienced creator…A group admin who’d reply to a counter opinion in bold red letters that it feels like a bull is running after you :S
I lose my mind easily when I’m annoyed by arrogance; that filthy human behavior that people confuse as pride or strength.
Socially b2a, I blend smoothly in groups but I don’t approach that…or let me say , I never attempted to approach that…I am a one to one person…I love to give from my heart and love to receive truthfully without the influence of a spectator.
Yet, going out with two or three friends is so much fun so I do it rarely but with the RIGHT company that will not ruin the good time for me.
How? Well, girls could relate to the following:
– When you are having a great time with friends and you say something funny so they laugh then a specific girl would comment: why you laughing, that was a line from a movie.
– When you are having dinner with friends, then accidentally go to the rest room to find two of your friends gossiping about you in there.
– When you see the look, the meaningful mean look one of the girls gives the other to draw her attention to something you are wearing or something you just said.
– When a girl can’t take a joke and tet2emes and ruins the whole outing by ranting so that everyone would spend the evening pampering her.
– Or when some girl decides to be funny on your expense, so she would tehreeky tarya2a.
– OR…elkebeera b2a, would teltosh bremark semaweya then when your face changes she would say: eh?? Bahazar…friends beyhazaro 3ady alla!!
Yeah…girls do that…not all of them but it is very likely for at least one incident of those mentioned above to happen within a group.
So, I am not a group person…I like individuals…and every other year I get the urge of knowing new friends…like these days…I have the urge and I am knowing new people of a certain criteria while cherishing and treasuring my precious old friends.
Which leads me to another related point…I want…I NEED new female friends…most of my best friends are guys…so much easier to be friends with a guy…we get along instantly if he has three things: intelligence, sense of humor and respect.
But…I need the female bond…I have been a loaner for quite some time now and I was humble in my expectations so I didn’t allow myself to seek or even be there for friends to seek me.
so…my quest now is to open up and allow myself to enjoy new female friends.
I don’t know about groups yet…as except for the book club which i absolutely love and adore, i was never in a group…but…I am open for attractive suggestions and I promise my full devotion.
Sometimes it feels lonely in the ethical world.
Sometimes, I and many others i know feel lonely as we practice our beliefs because we feel better about ourselves while we do…yet some other people might see these beliefs as unrealistic, unnecessary or just weird.
We live anyway, feel proud anyway, brag about our ideals anyway.
Sometimes we fail our own beliefs but because we are already familiar with them we would always reach a point where we remorse and retreat back to a higher bar of values, that would make us feel good about ourselves again.
I, like many, when i embrace values that are not so common among the -modern society- i feel lonely sometimes…but the most refreshing thing happened to me the other day.
Let me take you back to the Summer of 1996…I was in my last college year (studied Law btw) and my Lebanese hunk of a cousin came to visit Egypt for 18 days…His mother is Egyptian so he had a nice humor and a special machoism added to his gorgeous appearance.
a few days later something just clicked and we had a super summer -totally innocent- crush ever!
He extended his visit to be one month then returned to Beirut.
We both discovered later on that a proposal was fought big time within the family…
I got married and each of us lead his different life…only a family call or email here or there kept us in touch every couple of years…but one day, about a year ago and while i was married, he decided to call me…he was emotional…I apologised politely as i felt against talking to someone i had any sort of history with while i’m married…time passed…I got my divorce and just the other day he knew from his mom so he called…we talked a nice welad khalah conversation and suddenly he said: I want to express my total respect for you…Because you were truly exceptional refusing to receive my emotional call although I AM YOUR COUSIN out of respect for your husband.
My smile was so big my cheeks hurt…MEN GET IT!! someone thinks my too much cautious is respectful…someone recognizes a value so alien today i am called mo3aqada because of.
Men respect the respectful…they read the gestures…they value the valuable.
Men, might seem OK and encouraging when we want to lose it with them and get involved in any habal…that’s because they react to an open invitation that instincly they can’t refuse and of course they’ll say and do anything to get it.
It was not a big thing…it was just a phone call…but the rule was clear in my head…the mere presence of a husband was a clear criteria for me.
Speaking of which…Women, as mo3aqadeen as i am get those 3o2ad from a very special place in their lives btw…I am speaking of mature independent women, we aren’t born with values and we have out grown the strict fatherly cocoon that keep us safe.
We have simply gotten ourselves burned/or watched closely a loved one doing it at some point by false concepts and delusional modern dreamy sweet talk that attempted to rip the dignity and coat it with a short-term delicious sin…that burn is the base that we build a strong life path upon and a solid set of values on.
We all burn ourselves and we all allow others to hurt us at some point of our lives…but only the proud…the graceful…and the authentic know when to face the hurt and build a new vision with it.
In the phone call, I have wished my cousin the best in life…He wished me the same and we hung up as friends…no emotions were there, at least from my side…nothing but a sweet memory and a lovely recognition.
And it may feel alone in the -good world- but the time will come when something refreshing will happen and all the alienation will feel sooooooo worth it.
It is not that i hate fairies…I don’t…actually they look so cute in cartoons and fiction movies.
But i hear there’s a tooth fairy…and this is the one i unintentionally killed.
Most likely she died “kabadan” …”ma2hoora ya3ni“.
I had a little pain in my tooth…I neglected it…it got stronger…I took pain killers…The pain got stronger and stronger to the extent that my head and neck were totally struck my pain and stiff as a rock.
come on…ask me…why haven’t i gotten myself to a dentist? well…I have three valid reasons non of them is logical…so, the tooth fairy committed suicide as i gave her a hernia in her tiny wings and she thought: og god oh god…why did you create this tooth hater rasha? and jumped in the well of no return.
I had a full day with the dentist yesterday…bas ba3d fawat el2awan…ra7et el tooth fairy felwaba :S
Set my teeth aside b2a…I don’t hate but i don’t enjoy fairy tales, while i LOVE thinking i could create as beautiful stories in reality.
Till now…one or two stories were/are as beautiful…three other trials were horrific…but maybe the beauty of life lies in having hope to be or make something beautiful despite the obstacles.
Maybe the beauty is for being happy with whatever you choose to create in life not just accepting what life throws at you.
But when we choose…why settle for a half ass story…why not aim for the stars?
Sometimes we’ll have a blast and sometimes not but the optimum should always be the stars…or what ever is more beautiful beyond it.
I can’t live trapped in my little misfortunes or live misguided by how deformed i might view my capabilities.
Maybe that’s faith…I don’t know for sure but it certainly feels like it.
حَزَقَ الشىء..أى حاول إخراجه دفعاً الى الخارج بصعوبة
الشىء بقى اللى بيتحزق هو المحزوق…وجمع الشىء : أشياء …وجمع المحزوق: محزوقات
الحزق شىء طبيعى فى حياتنا…قد نحزق أشياء سيئة نود التخلص منها لنبرأ من ضررها زى “االكى كى” مثلاً…وقد نحزق أشياء جيدة “كالطفل الوليد” مثلاً لتنتهى فترة إعداده داخلياً وتبدأ حياته الفعلية
إنما مجازاً وفى الحياة اليومية الواحد بيمر بده أو بيشوف آخرين بيمروا بيه…أنا هنا أقصد التشبيه ومش بتكلم على زيارة الحمام
قد تحزقك فكرة جديدة فى العمل وتبقى مش عارف تقعد على بعضك عشان نفسك تطلع الفكرة ومديرك يوافق عليها فترتاح وتحس انك انجزت حاجة
وقد يحزقك رأى منيل فى حد او غيظ منه فتقعد ” تنفس” يمين وشمال بالتلميح والتصريح تمهيداً للحزقة الكبرى
وانا رأى ان لو حزقك اوى انك شايف نفسك “هايل” وشايف غيرك “خرى” وعايز تنطره…بسيطة من غير حزق وحرق دم وتلطيش…اعتبر انه جه قالك” انا خرى يا هايل” وبس…لكن تلسن عليه من ناحية وتقوله يا روح قلبى من الناحية التانية يحولك من حازق الى محزوق..
مشكلة المحزوقين فى محزوقاتهم انهم شايلين هم صك الغفران على طول
وانا ست لطيفة احب الناس تبقى حسه لطيف زى…لذا ، انا بقدم النهاردة عرض خاص…عندى عشرين صك غفران…اى حد عايز صك مكتوب فيه بخط بولد أندلسى مقاس 16: انت هايل يلا…وفلان:……خرى
أى نعم الصك مش حيمحى بلاويك ولا حيأكد بلاوى الناس اللى حزقاك انما مريح…حيريحك من الحزقة
بس بجد بقى اللى حاسس انه بيحزق كتير وعمال على بطال لازم يشوف علاج…لان الحزق المزمن ده يدل على مرض عضال…بينفخ الذات اوى فى الاتجاه الغلط…انا عارفة ان معظم المحزوقين بيبقى عندهم كبر متضخم وغالباً ده سبب حزقتهم….
أما عن المحزوقات الكويسة…الكلمات اللى فيها حب…الافكار المشجعة…النيات اللى فيها مصلحة الغير…دى بتبقى حالة لازملها ملين بسيط للشجاعة…الحب والتشجيع والمصلحة لازم تبقى حاجات سهلة التعامل معاها…لازم تخرج للنور…زى البيبى كده…لازم يتولد عشان يعيش ويسعد اهله ويفيد الدنيا بخيره
إذا…حكمة اليوم: محزوق؟ خُد مُلين