It was never easy for me to focus…through out my life, i would either see clearly or blur totally. Focus was never intended…was never a tool i used and was never one of my skills.
I was introduced to its importance a few years back and as part of my therapy. and boy, was it hard to learn to focus especially when it came to emotions…and since my emotions usually used to drive me rather than my rational thinking, it was an almost impossible thing to master.
But with time…With practice…With experiencing certain hardships that forced me to use that newly learned skill, i started to earn its bliss bit by bit, untill my mind took some of the control it had unconsciously let go of in favor to my heart…i even learned how to intentionally lose focus when it caused a counter reaction…
And yesterday…i discovered a whole new meaning of focus.
Yesterday i was interviewed by a journalist where i had to tell the journalist a story of mine…a real life story.
Have you ever tried to tell a true painful story of yours to a complete stranger?? i mean a story that happened over the course of years…and to someone who’s not interested in you one bit but in the story…and to a cause where you are totally aware that you should be brief, 100% honest and clear??
I mean TOTALLY honest…even the little hidden facts that you always keep for yourself to keep your pride or the little lies that helped you see the situation more reformed than it really was or the little editing you intentionally did to make a hurtful story line appear more poetic…TOTALLY honest!!!
And brief…the journalist asked specific questions and wanted THE answers…no swirling around the answer…just blunt answers.
And i am someone who doesn’t usually lie…especially when asked…i almost never answer falsely to a question unless great harm is going to happen to another person because of my answer…so it was easy to answer truthfully.
BUT…it was not easy at all to view the story that clear and that blunt.
There is another set of facts that reveal when you see a story clearly. you, then, see the true meaning…the clear value…what you really did…how stupid you really were…or how ugly others were.
And a painful sting penetrated my heart…i thought: if only i knew how to rip off all the sugar-coating bull shit we do to wrap ugliness with just to humiliate ourselves…If only i knew how to see a story -while i’m at it- that clearly and that honestly and that bluntly…I would have saved myself a whole lot of wasted years and heartache…
but after a few minutes…i breathed out a great amazing sigh of relief…seeing bluntly the story showed me as bluntly that i was never at any point shameful.
I may have been blind…naive…stubborn…anything…but i never justified being shameful and i never allowed myself or anything to disrespect my dignity by accepting disgrace…in the most ugly situations i fought for my dignity…never misled it in the name of anything…even the name of love (which in my opinion is a great a greater pit of crap).
And maybe that is what really matters in life…To be dignified as a human being…no matter what happened…regardless of the story…that is what really really matters.
Thing is…all the truth, clarity and real value you need to save your dignity is laying right under your nose waiting for you to just look…
We can be focused and accept the truth while we’re in the story and before it ends onto us.
We can contribute to the scenario…we really can choose a story line…at least then…the ending would never be shameful…never!!