I and “Letting go”

At one afternoon…on the same grass that witnessed many of my evolutions, we sat…she, looking through me…listening to my inner thoughts…seeing the tense worries flood to wet her hands.

I…Was newly gathering meanings and emotions.

She…Was so present i could hear her soul.

And she looked at me that look…the “hugging” look…and told me: “Let go…to master matters of your heart…you need to let go”.

I understood…but felt i couldn’t wrap it around my finger.

Time passed by…a couple of months flew…and i came face to face with a choice…to shut a feeling away or let go…let them stream.

And i did…cautiously…and every time i get the urge to run and hide in my cave…I remind myself that down that road i am getting introduced to mastering the matters of my heart…

And i panic…and I hear random or supportive words….that pushes me a little further…and i allow myself to be pushed…to go one step further in that sea i am so afraid of…

I AM so affraid…because i almost believe…I am almost positive of the inevitable hurt…the endless regret…the ache…and I dread ache…I dread ache…I DREAD ACHE…

But i rationalize…sometimes, I get so mesmerized in the emotion that all those fears mute…vanish…and leave me in trance…with my soul and my heart reuniting…like that sunset by that shore on that day….in so much harmony and so much passion…

And i wake…because the rhyme was broken…the music stopping…the melody is out of tune…

And i feel like walking on  a cracked old wooden bridge…and i hold on to two tough ropes that swing with me so hard that my heart fells every single time i attempt to test the log and step on it…I sometimes freeze as i feel that log turning into scribbles flying in the air like confetti…and sometimes i hold on to the ropes so tight and risk only to find myself a little step ahead…

And…and i don’t know…

And not knowing always drives me crazy…

The scenarios…the possibility of the plots…

For i am not a game player…I’m not familiar with the rules…and actyually i don’t accept the concept.

One thought hold me together…One thought drives me ahead regardless of the suspecions…I am in the midst of mastering the matters of my heart…this is the process…this is the path and the only way to do it.

I am who i am…can’t change…i can only add new skills but could never be another person.

Life…Love…History…Ache…The laughter i know how to wholeheartedly exert or share or derive…I…I and letting go will be friends…It might be hard…but, i am bound to gain it…I will earn it!

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6 thoughts on “I and “Letting go”

  1. Letting go is a good thing?
    no. i disagree..letting go means abandoning yourself or others. it means in your perspective that you are losing control, mostly to someone. and no one can be trusted. reconsider. please.

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  2. Well…I think you didn’t get what i meant.
    I am not letting go “of” someone…nor i am letting go “for” someone…I am letting for MYSELF.
    Just letting the controls and defense mechanisms “go” and allowing yourself to experience: worry, pain, desire, feelings, emotions, uncertainties…allowing yourself to be vulnerable…is what LIFE is really about.
    living lifeless and shielded and comfortable in a little cocoon is not living…it is merely surviving.
    merely human.

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  3. And not knowing always drives me crazy…

    The scenarios…the possibility of the plots…

    For i am not a game player…I’m not familiar with the rules…and actually i don’t accept the concept.

    me neither…but I never been able to master the matters of my heart :S

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  4. OMG … You really over-blend when you speak out.

    Kuwait is really hot and that woman has dual nature.. She’s been tested before… Stick to what you have in hand then after two years think of moving out.

    1+1+1=3

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  5. Get this

    [audio src="http://1f.media.v4.skyrock.net/music/1fb/51d/1fb51d06d67a715c5711c493ac661d24.mp3" /]

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  6. Nerro, shaklena keda we’ll master it by trial and error l7ad ma rabena yefreg-ha 🙂

    khalaf, i’m laughing no stop…
    That will be the moto of the phase: won’t stop till i get enough 🙂

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