Home and beyond

All my life i dread airport..planes..goodbyes and travelling.

My father used to travel a lot and used to take me to the airport so he could see me till the very last-minute.

Those last minutes before the departure…my stomach would ache…i would experience anxiety too close to fear…deep sorrow…and agonizing loss…i would cry 30 minutes before he left and 30 minutes after he’s gone…

When i used to travel with him i used to feel exactly the same that i’m leaving my mother plus extra pain that i am such a “nadla” for leaving her alone.

I’ve been raised that loving parents don’t leave their kids and travel unless there’s a true emergency…I’ve been raised to enjoy other countries but always stay in love with my country…I used to feel home sick the minute i step foot in a plane heading to europe or else…I am emotional…I get attached…and the longest i spent away from my kids was two days. Not only because they need their mother…not only out of responsibility…but out of love…when you love someone you hate and dread leaving…with kids its more hurting…to leave the very precious part of yourself…the most precious in life…

Why am i writing about this? I am because i feel extreme home-sickness because there’s a trip i have to take very soon…because there’s a chance I might relocate to a foreign country…a chance that anyone would see an amazing opportunity yet i feel extreme resistance towards.

I love every damn thing about egypt…good or bad…I have always seen beauty in it and its beauty even glowed more as i grow older.

My kids will be with me every second…but i fear for their safety…I want them as egyptian as can be…I realized, now, after being around Egyptians who have willingly chosen to immigrate abroad and who have lived there for tens of years and who have absorbed their culture and “damm” that i don’t want this “bliss”.

I don’t want the better life and better streets and better houses…I don’t want the western sense and way of life…i don’t want them not because i desire nothing better…I’m just scared…scared of losing my home, thus, my self in any la la land…

It is kind of ironic…how people who spend years and power to defuse their entity and be western and how people would die to keep the Egyptian skin tighter and closer.

Fear…fear of change…fear of the biggest risk of all…pure fear!

 

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