A full perfect life

Someone once told me that i deserve a full perfect life.

Someone pictured that life to be…having my kids happy and having a husband who would love us all…who would cook dinner with me…laugh with me…take me in his arms and watch TV at night…a loving man who’d take care of me and who would be there for me always.

Someone…didn’t know that this picture perfect has to have one element…and that is true deep genuine love.

Someone…didn’t know that the man i would love would never give me that perfect picture.

Someone didn’t know…just didn’t know…that pictures aren’t supposed to be perfect…that love is not a picture…that “perfect” might not exist…

Someone didn’t know…that i want nothing at all…

Someone didn’t know that my hope is in my kids -now- having the very good life they deserve.

Till then…I’m perfectly fine watching TV with my kids…cooking for my kids…laughing with my kids…and being the father they deserve.

And the love of a man that would i melt in his arms and  who would cherish me in his heart…is like natural blond hair…i simply won’t have.

 

Flashlights in my eyes

Thursday 30th June

Live music…Piano…caressing, pressing on, pounding and dancing on the keys with his brilliant fingers…the piano was black and grand…and the music revived my soul…took me away from life and up to the skies…I breathe…I, then, breathe…then suddenly and by an odd chance  I was exposed!!

I knew it was time…

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Morning: Surrounded by many colleagues…watching a scene from a movie as part of the studying process: and there it was…music…a guitar that screamed on the sidewalk…a talent disclosed…and she joined him on the piano…he was humming the tunes…she was playing them…he was guiding her through the notes…and she was following his melody…and i had him in my head sitting their…on the black grand piano…humming tunes and guiding me into playing them…then we sing together…and he’d smile i get the tunes…and he’d smile when I harmonize…

a girl from the group looked at me…smiled…and said: does it remind you of something?

And I couldn’t hide the sting that evoked many soundless tears to flood from my eyes…quietly i left my seat to head to the bathroom…no one noticed me but my best friend…the bathroom was busy so i stood at the end of the hall…facing a tiny window overlooking the empty street and a dull tree…and i breathed him out…with many tears…hearing the couple from the movie still playing and still singing and hearing my heart still weeping but i choked on the sounds…my tears are silent…soundless crying…and i cried…cried…and cried…till the tears stopped on their own…I managed to wash my face…and faned it with my hands dry…and went back to my seat hoping my eyes are tearless…my pain over missing him at that very moment inserted a sharp pin in my heart…and it wouldn’t go away…

 

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Afternoon: A boat in the nile…amazing breeze…kids that look older at that very moment…many years have passed…and i worry…I worry about them…

the boat turns…the smoke from my cigaret blows towards them…so i stop smoking…and i wish i could smoke…my mind was worrying over my kids…my heart was missing a beat…a certain beat i only know of…again…should i be grateful i had a long time-out from that beat? should i be grateful i have it now?

The Serenity of the emptiness was good while it lasted…

Here i am…slightly slightly aching again…living again…here…i…am…

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Noon: the circle felt complete…I felt the belonging…the secure belonging…despite being conscious and putting myself out there in front of them…i know i have the guts many people don’t have…so i might as well enjoy it…act upon it…and trust them…

I trust them…I trust it…it…that ties me to that grass and to that breeze that blew through my hair…to that sky…to it…that spirit…

I feel WHOLE there…and M’s eyes always hug me…always…always…all i have to do is look at her…when i’m confused…in pain…scared…uncomfortable…M’s look hugs me…and i…I AM…I AM there…on that spot on that day at that time holding that book…I BE.

Noon: I know what I’m good at…I know what i want…will pursue it wholeheartedly! 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Night: The market was so so crowded i could barely hear myself thinking: why the heck have i come here to shop on a SATURDAY?!

Mom was smiling…we were walking inside and each had a kid in her hand…a kid who wanted to pull his/her hand away and walk freely…but we wouldn’t let them…too crowded…too damn crowded and we have nothing but those kids…we love…LOVE LOVE those kids and we LIVE for those kids…we wouldn’t let go…

I looked at her and said:

– “I need a break”

– “aren’t you having one already -ya nasaba”, and she laughed.

– “Not really…attempts only…i need to set my self free…”

– “entaleqy ya bent elmontaleqa “, she laughed again and nodded that she understands…then she made something with her hand -while still smiling- like flipping a burger on a grill.

– “No…Idon’t believe that would happen to me…other things may cause that…I harm no one…I am a good person”

– “yes you are”

we didn’t talk again…but as we reached home she gave me that piercing look that contained: take care of yourself…i’m scared over you…and i understand, all at the same time.

I looked away…didn’t say a word…end of story!

 

 

 

 

Sunday 3rd July

Very early in the morning: No need to be smart to get it! it’s obvious!

Still naive? Is it a bad thing after all?

Well…I feel every emotion and speak every word SO sincerely…and that is so rich and so valuable…no one and nothing would ever rob that away from me.

Rational I gotta be…and mature as I know I can.

Watermark: Breathless…restless…focused…trembling…strong…emotional…sincere…defensive and slightly slightly in pain…some say I’m vulnerable these days…well…I am a tough gal…so, all combined,,,,I’ll be ok.

 

Dear Religionist,

Do you have any idea what you’ve done to that child?

I know you were a child yourself…but you didn’t stop at that…you continued your malice attacks but in a different form…do you have any idea about the harm you have caused him?

You have changed a human being forever!

Your cruel remarks…your bigoty…your teasing, bullying and discrimination deformed him and many others like him.

Did you really feel superior because you have the religion of the majority? does being born to a family from a  certain religion make you better than every other human being different from yourself?

Who taught you that?

Which malignant call taught you that by being condescending, abusive and mean you get to be better?

Who taught you that by being a monster you benefit your religion? that by refusing any other way you are raising your assets?

And If someone did…How could you believe them?

have you ever felt any kind of regret that you’ve cornered the few different kids u had in class?

Was the jokes really that good?

Did you really and wholeheartedly laugh?

Or was it just a sick sadistic feeling you had enjoying hurting others…have you ever experienced being out numbered…ganged…hit…mocked at…just because your parents were of a different religion than the masses?

I guess you haven’t…well, I’ll tell you what would have happened…

You would have trembled like a leaf in a storm if some kid would pin you to the wall and keep insulting your religion….you would have been reluctant to tell freely about your beliefs, as you’ll feel the punch in the stomach before even getting touched…

The looks would have burned your forehead….

You would have always worn a huge watch to cover the little blue cross tattooed to your wrist/would have uncovered your hair/ shaved your beard/ stopped praying in the Masjid/forgotten about the church/neglected the temple/hidden the songs/turned off the Quran…

you would have been obliged to use religious accustomed sentences that were NOT from your religion just to win the approval of the masses…

you would have never felt free to act as you wished…you would have chosen who to LOVE, as they must be like you or else…. and by far that must be the cruelest act against one’s heart…to pick…LOVE.

you would have changed lanes, switched streets and felt like shrinking every time BIG RELIGIOUSLY DRESSED men walked your way or gave you the gaze.

You would have been someone shaky…hesitant…worrying…paranoied at times…

maybe hostile…sometimes violant…ouyt of fear…opression and prejudice.

Dear Racist…Dear Religionist…Dear Sexist…Dear unfair cruel arrogant condescending human being…I want to surprise you,

Allah created a universe in which he created millions of wonders and above them all was humanity…to know him…to love him…to obey him…NO ONE can identify the way…we are left to choose and we are expected to take full responsiblity…Allah is the creator, the fair judge.

Look up to the open skies…look afar to the endless waters…he wanted the world this way…open…free…and to him we shall return and each shall handle his deeds…no one else…

Not you…and Never me!

المَحْزوقات

حَزَقَ الشىء..أى حاول إخراجه دفعاً الى الخارج بصعوبة

الشىء بقى اللى بيتحزق هو المحزوق…وجمع الشىء : أشياء …وجمع المحزوق: محزوقات

الحزق شىء طبيعى فى حياتنا…قد نحزق أشياء سيئة نود التخلص منها لنبرأ من ضررها زى “االكى كى” مثلاً…وقد نحزق أشياء جيدة “كالطفل الوليد” مثلاً لتنتهى فترة إعداده داخلياً وتبدأ حياته الفعلية

إنما مجازاً وفى الحياة اليومية الواحد بيمر بده أو بيشوف آخرين بيمروا بيه…أنا هنا أقصد التشبيه ومش بتكلم على زيارة الحمام

قد تحزقك فكرة جديدة فى العمل وتبقى مش عارف تقعد على بعضك عشان نفسك تطلع الفكرة ومديرك يوافق عليها فترتاح وتحس انك انجزت حاجة

وقد يحزقك رأى منيل فى حد او غيظ منه فتقعد ” تنفس”  يمين وشمال بالتلميح والتصريح تمهيداً للحزقة الكبرى

وانا رأى ان لو حزقك اوى انك شايف نفسك “هايل” وشايف غيرك “خرى” وعايز تنطره…بسيطة من غير حزق وحرق دم وتلطيش…اعتبر انه جه قالك” انا خرى يا هايل” وبس…لكن تلسن عليه من ناحية وتقوله يا روح قلبى من الناحية التانية يحولك من حازق الى محزوق..

مشكلة المحزوقين فى محزوقاتهم انهم شايلين هم صك الغفران على طول

وانا ست لطيفة احب الناس تبقى حسه لطيف زى…لذا ، انا بقدم النهاردة عرض خاص…عندى عشرين صك غفران…اى حد عايز صك مكتوب فيه بخط بولد أندلسى مقاس 16: انت هايل يلا…وفلان:……خرى

أى نعم الصك مش حيمحى بلاويك ولا حيأكد بلاوى الناس اللى حزقاك انما مريح…حيريحك من الحزقة

بس بجد بقى اللى حاسس انه بيحزق كتير وعمال على بطال لازم يشوف علاج…لان الحزق المزمن ده يدل على مرض عضال…بينفخ الذات اوى فى الاتجاه الغلط…انا عارفة ان معظم المحزوقين بيبقى عندهم كبر متضخم وغالباً ده سبب حزقتهم….

أما عن المحزوقات الكويسة…الكلمات اللى فيها حب…الافكار المشجعة…النيات اللى فيها مصلحة الغير…دى بتبقى حالة لازملها ملين بسيط للشجاعة…الحب والتشجيع والمصلحة لازم تبقى حاجات سهلة التعامل معاها…لازم تخرج للنور…زى البيبى كده…لازم يتولد عشان يعيش ويسعد اهله ويفيد الدنيا بخيره

إذا…حكمة اليوم: محزوق؟ خُد مُلين

 

اعتقد..عقبالنا..ممكن؟؟

لما شفت الفيديو ده…فيه شعب ثار..شعب فجأة ظهر انه كبير وانه قادر وانه شايف وحاسس وقوى…

كان اول احساس انه: عقبالنا يا رب

بعدين غصيت فى الكلمة لما جه ينطقها لسانى…لانى اعتقد مش واثقة

مش واثقة ان الشعب…كل الشعب…او حتى معظم الشعب…كبير او قادر او شايف او حاسس او قوى

مش واثقة ان اللى فينا كبير هو قادر…او اللى فينا قادر هو قوى او القوى حاسس او شايف…حاسه ان الناس اللى شايلة هم بلدها بجد وايديها فى النار هما قليلين جداً…مش واثقة ان القلة دى تقدر تهز عرش القوة الاكبر…ولو بالعدد…شعبنا الكتير ده تلات ارباعة اما الفقر كسر ظهره وعينه وقلبه اللى بقى متعلق فى ورق البنكنوت بين الموت والحياة… او الغِنَى كاسر احساسه بالحق والعدل والانسانية والحرية والفعالية

الشعب التونسى…اللى كل المصريين كانوا بيتريقوا عليه طول عمرهم…الشعب اللى كنا واصمين ستاته بالعُهر ورجالته بفقدان الهوية وعاملين الموضوع نكتة وضحكة وقفشة…الشعب ده عمل حاجة سحرية…غير متوقعة…صلبة…فعالة…الشعب ده جعل رئيس دولة يهرب…يمشى…يفر…

كان حد فينا يصدق؟؟

نقدر نعمل حاجة؟؟

آه…نقدر…بس يا ترى عايزين نقدر؟؟

قدها؟؟

احنا كشعب ايه اللى شاغلنا عن إعمال الحق؟؟ احوالنا العاطفية؟؟ مين ساب مين ومين حب مين ومين واخد بمبة فى مين بس بيقاوح؟؟ ولا شاغلنا المزيد والمزيد من الجنس باى شكل وباى ثمن؟؟ ولا شاغلنا ازاى نجيب فلوس وازاى نصرف فلوس؟؟ ولا شاغلنا ازاى نعمل دماغ لما بقى معظم الرجالة ونص الستات اما مسطول او بيدور على حاجة تسطله؟؟

 والفئة الساذجة الشقيانة من الشعب لو اتسألت عن منتهى امانيها حتقول: اربى العيال واجهز اخواتى واروح احج انا وامى….ولو سألتها عن التغيير وحال البلد يردوا: هو احنا نفسنا الاسعار تقل شوية والمرتبات تزيد شوية بس ثورة لا…اللى نعرفه احسن من اللى منعرفوش

 

مين اللى يستحق يبقى نكتة؟؟ ايه هو العُهر الحقيقى؟؟ عُهر الشهوة ولا عُهر المقصد والهوية والقيمة؟؟

اعتقد..عقبالنا لما نسمع بلادى بلادى لكى حبى وفؤادى…ممكن؟؟