أحاسيس مؤجلة

كل أحاسيسى مؤجلة

لحين البت فى أمر ومسألة

أحاسيس ندم وظلم ..بُتِروا بمقصلة

حرف..سال حبره..فبصم نقشه بملزمة

كل حساباتى مؤجلة

لحين صدق..لحين صحوٍ ومرحمه

لحين وقت تبدُل دفّات الحياة

حياة من؟ يبقى سؤال ومفهمه

كل سعاداتى مؤجلة

أعرف ذلك حين أنظر لشمس المغيب

أعلم أن لى وحدى..انا..مقدار لن يغيب

أعلم علماً يقتصر على خيالٍ معيب

كُل إصداراتى  مؤجلة

حتى أعود..هل أعود؟؟

هل سأخبو بين جِفنّى نيلى السعيد؟

هل سأفرح بمَدّ موج بعيد؟

هل سأُطَوِقُ يدىّ بياسمين زهر جديد؟

هل سأبنى وتنبنى بعدى  أشراق حب مديد؟

كل خفقاتى مؤجلة

حتى أعرف لماذا وكيفما

حتى أغفو من كل قلبى..فقلما

عرف الكرى عنوان مُقلة روحى..حيثما

طال السهر..طال النظر

لنسج أوراق الشجر

لحلم بات واندثر

لعطر فاح وانتثر

لقدر يرفع سمواتى للسماوات

لإيحاء وتفصيل بأن الماضى فات

لحوارات كَلمها نجمات

لاشباعٍ من صدق و حرية وإلتفات..

لنضج يفوق الخيال و الذكريات..

لاحتواء براءة و مُجُون..

لفهم كل رائع مجنون

كل حساباتى مؤجله..

كل سعاداتى مؤجله..

حتى استبيح آيات و مساجد..

حتى اجد كتفا لى لاصق..لله ساجد..

حتى اعرف من أين أمد يدى لامسح دمعى الغزير..

حتى اروى عطش قلبى لقربى من الكبير..

حتى اعود..

بل ساولد من جديد..

سأدنو لا خوفاً من وعيد…

سأرنو الى دفء الحميد..

توبة اليك ربى

قرب يمحو كل دربى..

حب يبدل كل ذنبى..

أُنس بك ربى..

ينقى قلبى..

ينقى قلبى..

I’ll tell you…

How does cruelty form?

When you have no desire in someone…or satisfied your desire in someone and it’s over, your senses become numb towards them…you no longer breathe them…feel them…eagerly want them…seek their tiniest attention hungrily…so, your senses and hyper heart and urges to seek them gets muted!

It is then, when, they might have responded to you… felt you…gotten infatuated by you…

It is then, when, they feel pain and plea for your attention…and you’d be muted! numb! couldn’t care less! don’t give a damn about them!

They would lose sleep…they would feel pain all over them…they would feel saddend…they would lose their minds over you…and you’re not even aware.

They’d think you’re cruel…they’d regret feeling for you…they’d hate themselves they got that attached…they’d yearn for you…

and you’re muted…sensless…you’re cruel!

And broken hearts mend with much time and much healing.

And the table turns…the broken heart toughens…and seeks and gets numb and muted and hurts another.

Always happens…will always happen…and the pain we inflict will be inflicted upon us.

this is called love…this is what frightens me the most…this is what i refuse to embrace…

I refuse to get  hurt by an eager heart who will change his mind and go numb on me.

I refuse to hurt someone’s heart  and mute over them.

Hearts flip like a coin…Hearts pulse with life…and stop to their deaths…

Cruelty forms in the heart…side by side with love…

And no one appreciates the precious vibrant heart…no one!

Flashlights in my eyes

Thursday 30th June

Live music…Piano…caressing, pressing on, pounding and dancing on the keys with his brilliant fingers…the piano was black and grand…and the music revived my soul…took me away from life and up to the skies…I breathe…I, then, breathe…then suddenly and by an odd chance  I was exposed!!

I knew it was time…

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Morning: Surrounded by many colleagues…watching a scene from a movie as part of the studying process: and there it was…music…a guitar that screamed on the sidewalk…a talent disclosed…and she joined him on the piano…he was humming the tunes…she was playing them…he was guiding her through the notes…and she was following his melody…and i had him in my head sitting their…on the black grand piano…humming tunes and guiding me into playing them…then we sing together…and he’d smile i get the tunes…and he’d smile when I harmonize…

a girl from the group looked at me…smiled…and said: does it remind you of something?

And I couldn’t hide the sting that evoked many soundless tears to flood from my eyes…quietly i left my seat to head to the bathroom…no one noticed me but my best friend…the bathroom was busy so i stood at the end of the hall…facing a tiny window overlooking the empty street and a dull tree…and i breathed him out…with many tears…hearing the couple from the movie still playing and still singing and hearing my heart still weeping but i choked on the sounds…my tears are silent…soundless crying…and i cried…cried…and cried…till the tears stopped on their own…I managed to wash my face…and faned it with my hands dry…and went back to my seat hoping my eyes are tearless…my pain over missing him at that very moment inserted a sharp pin in my heart…and it wouldn’t go away…

 

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Afternoon: A boat in the nile…amazing breeze…kids that look older at that very moment…many years have passed…and i worry…I worry about them…

the boat turns…the smoke from my cigaret blows towards them…so i stop smoking…and i wish i could smoke…my mind was worrying over my kids…my heart was missing a beat…a certain beat i only know of…again…should i be grateful i had a long time-out from that beat? should i be grateful i have it now?

The Serenity of the emptiness was good while it lasted…

Here i am…slightly slightly aching again…living again…here…i…am…

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Noon: the circle felt complete…I felt the belonging…the secure belonging…despite being conscious and putting myself out there in front of them…i know i have the guts many people don’t have…so i might as well enjoy it…act upon it…and trust them…

I trust them…I trust it…it…that ties me to that grass and to that breeze that blew through my hair…to that sky…to it…that spirit…

I feel WHOLE there…and M’s eyes always hug me…always…always…all i have to do is look at her…when i’m confused…in pain…scared…uncomfortable…M’s look hugs me…and i…I AM…I AM there…on that spot on that day at that time holding that book…I BE.

Noon: I know what I’m good at…I know what i want…will pursue it wholeheartedly! 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Night: The market was so so crowded i could barely hear myself thinking: why the heck have i come here to shop on a SATURDAY?!

Mom was smiling…we were walking inside and each had a kid in her hand…a kid who wanted to pull his/her hand away and walk freely…but we wouldn’t let them…too crowded…too damn crowded and we have nothing but those kids…we love…LOVE LOVE those kids and we LIVE for those kids…we wouldn’t let go…

I looked at her and said:

– “I need a break”

– “aren’t you having one already -ya nasaba”, and she laughed.

– “Not really…attempts only…i need to set my self free…”

– “entaleqy ya bent elmontaleqa “, she laughed again and nodded that she understands…then she made something with her hand -while still smiling- like flipping a burger on a grill.

– “No…Idon’t believe that would happen to me…other things may cause that…I harm no one…I am a good person”

– “yes you are”

we didn’t talk again…but as we reached home she gave me that piercing look that contained: take care of yourself…i’m scared over you…and i understand, all at the same time.

I looked away…didn’t say a word…end of story!

 

 

 

 

Sunday 3rd July

Very early in the morning: No need to be smart to get it! it’s obvious!

Still naive? Is it a bad thing after all?

Well…I feel every emotion and speak every word SO sincerely…and that is so rich and so valuable…no one and nothing would ever rob that away from me.

Rational I gotta be…and mature as I know I can.

Watermark: Breathless…restless…focused…trembling…strong…emotional…sincere…defensive and slightly slightly in pain…some say I’m vulnerable these days…well…I am a tough gal…so, all combined,,,,I’ll be ok.

 

Lane

Will you always turn your back?

leave on a bleeding track…

Will you always walk away?

pump into the walls of the lane

fit in as it closes on you again…

hide the tears that fall and sway

from side to side afraid to say

How hurt you are…what they did…

Will their noise forever be your tone

Will the lights dim the black and crack the bone

should your eyes burn with their sting

Will it drive you insane and turn you to stone

You smile You smile You smile

Support him and stand for a while

and they would shoot

and your heart… your root

will always long away and away

and your tears will fall yet sway and sway

see,  your lane is longer than long

and the walk is anything but strong

and the shake in your hands will point who’s to blame

and the break in your voice will scream his name

and the sight of the tiles stretching afar

and the ache in your heart will deepen the scar

and life will all be the lane

as you walk wishing it ends

and it will end

but the lane will carve your name…

*Inspired by Alicia…

Is it really news??

Come on people…for god sake…is it really news??

I bet that the most repeated words online those past few days were Wikileaks and Elections…now what is so shocking?!

That through the wikileaks we’ve opa! discovered that the Egyptian government is betraying both the Egyptians and the arab dilemma (aka known as Palestine) and other arab nations??

Well, as we say in egypt: adeema!! old news…predicatble news…this is who they are…monsters in Italian suits who would never get arrested!!!

That the egyptian elections is a complete facade and that the ruling party will win??

Well, even older news: gazma adeema news!! historic repetitions made it as factual as the pyramids…this is how politics are now…governtized lies, thefts and forgeries!!

7ameeha 7arameeha and we all know it.

Now, can we do anything but god damn protest and call for protests?!!

hell no…cause intellectual organized protests that will go bad and young helpless people will get arrested won’t fix the situation …not for one bit…who’d listen?? who has the power to change??

This country needs an atomic bomb or a revolution that will identify and reorganize its madness.

Lets just hope the new revolutionary callers don’t get infected and repeat the corruption but in the 21 century’s way.

history does repeat itself…where will something new appear…if humans are the ones writing it?!!

In movies, the story always ends.

To say…the truth or the lies

Or to stay silent.

To do…Good or harm

Or tie your hands

Those are the ordinary??

but what if all he could say is scream and all he could do is take revenge by his bare hands…beat…harm…stab…cut into the flesh…kill?!!

That is what people call it: the extreme.

What if that is all he could think of?

That would make him a monster??

What if some people inflict massive harm to many people and they deserve the revenge?? what if they’re evil devils walking on earth??

What if those people he wants to cut through their flesh killed his kids…beat him up…rapped his wife…stole his life and dignity…or did anything that justifies his revenge??

Would that make him any less of a monster??

Well…Don’t we love movies…where justice with no consequences can be applied…and satisfying endings can actually draw an ending to a story.

Problem with real life drama is that, the story never ends!

الموت واحد…ام اثنان؟

حوار على صوت بكاء الست الوالدة

حوار عن الموت إثر ضرب و تعذيب…كيف انه أكثر بؤساً وحزناً من الموت العادى..وكيف أن تشريح الجثث مُهين…فتسائلت ، مهين لمن؟

للمتوفى أم أهله…للمعنى أم للجسد؟

وتنبهت…أن اموت لم يعد يحزننى كثيراً…ليس كما كان بوقت سابق…ليس كما كان بوقت لم يطل فيه أحد من دمى أو أحد بدمى

ليس بعد أن أعاد أبى الى بارئه…فقد رأيت حينها كيف يصبح الوجود عدماً…يتبخر الكيان ويعود ذكرى كائنٍ كان…كيف يسلب التواجد المادى بكل ما فيه وكل ما حوله وكل ما ارتبط به…بعد أبى لم أعد أحزن كثيراً..أحزن بلا ذهول ولا صدمة ولا غصة تكاد تفقدنى النطق ولا حيرة …الآن أحزن تعاطفاً…وأحزن خوفاً من ذات المصير

سمعت كلمات أمى الحزينة ورأيت دموعها وقلت: الموت موت…الله يرحم الجميع ويصبر أهل كل متوفى…بابا مات واتلف فى قماشة بيضا واتدفن فى الارض…وباباكى مات زيه…ومامتك كمان…وناس كتير طول الزمان

ولم أقل لها عن خوفى وهلعى الليلة والليلة الماضية والليلة التى قبلها…لم أحكى لها عن دقات قلبى غيرالمنتظمة وصعوبة تنفسى حتى أشعر أننى إن إستسلمت فقط لصعوبة التنفس ولم أحاول التقاط النفس تلو الآخر فساموت…لم أقل لها عن مرضى…فقط شعرت بأن الموت حقاً واحد…لا تصنيف في الموت

هو مخيف…هو مؤلم (فى أغلب الأحوال) وهو مُحزن…مثل المعارك الحربية…يُخلف وراءه رخاءً أو دمار… لكن بالتأكيد يغير حياة كل من حول المتوفى

يعطى للناس سبباً للحمد أو سبباً للثورة…رغم أن موت متجبر ليس الدليل الوحيد على وجوب حمد الله على الخلاص من ظالم ورغم أن موت مسكين ليس الدليل المفاجىء على وجود طغاه مما يستدعى الثورة…إنما…الموت حجةٌ محترمة جداً فى كلتا الحالتين للبعض…موت الآخرين…فالميت انعدم وجوده وانعدم اهتمامه بدنيانا…الميت فى معنىً آخر وسيجزى جزاءً آخر…بعلمٍ آخر…لا غموض فيه ولا إفتراء

الموت…بالنسبة لى…حقيقة مرعبة أتمنى -واهمة- أن تنسانى وتتغاضى عنى وليس مدعاة لحمد أو ثورة…فالحمد لله…أتذكر ربى وأحمده دائماً وعلى كل حال…وأثور بلا حُجج متى أردت وإن إستطعت