Nothing reminded me of the BACKSTAGE series of posts i used to write for a loooooooong time…till i saw the ad for the new Egyptian movie called the same as this post:آ Cabaret


I will watch the movie tonight and get back to you with a review…


Movie theaters now in egypt are active with various summer releases…only a few wouldآ make me hit the cinema but that one was a must see.


with jammed thoughts i write this post…will be around soon Inshallah.


have a good evening.

Backstage…That summer!

She would never forget that night..

She was sitting in the terrace watching those huge waves hitting the rocks on the shore..sending her splashes of sea greeting.

Summer cold sea breeze hit her face and shoulders and she shivered as she was so hot from sun bathing all day..yet she enjoyed the feeling and she kept looking right into the darkness of the loud voiced dark sea infront of her..thinking of how pure it looks in the morning..and how scarey it looks if it’s shy hiding all the secrets of all the peopleآ loving it..talking to it..throwing their secrets into it..

This sea is the biggest safe..and it secures a million stars and a million dreams and a million love story and a million tear add bitterness to its salty waters!


She could hearآ someone coming..she felt a tear coming up her way promising to chock her throwt..she thought: can’t she just leave me alone?!!

The girl came closer to her..called her name that blended with the speeding cars and the rocking waves and the loud angry beats of her heart..

She had to rape a look towards that girl..She had to mug a smile..a faded,pale..poisonous smile!!

The girl opened her mouth to speak..and she closed her if she wants to escape that moment of confrontation by a million dark light years..

She said:: Believe me…I love him!! i love……..

She couldn’t believe the amount of anger and rejection bursting her mind..HOW COULD SHE CALL HIS NAME LIKE THIS..??she thought!!

She couldn’t no longerآ prevent the hot..burning tear coming down her cheeck..she’re so stupid!!so stupid..why him?? you are so young and very beautiful..why him??

The girl smiled..the smile of the powerful..and said:: believe me..i declared my love first..i couldn’t stand how tender he lovable he is..i had to wrap my arms around him and tell him how much i loved him..

She shut her eyes!! ears!!! heart and breath!!

How would she would she look to him..Questions kept hovering around her mind..her blury mind..stealing peeks at the dark black sea of the glittery night..she could see very tiny lights in the far middleآ  sea of small boats..seeking allah’s giving..risking thier lives to maintain other lives..Allah..yes Allah..her love and hope..the far hope..she thoughtآ How does allah judge those people..that girl and that man..

She closed her eyes and got all the tears she faught to hold inside to move..and be set free yet stopped hearing the details of the girls story..just heard the sound of the waves calling for her to rest ..

Refused to hear that tormenting news..never wanted…never imagined it could happen..

Her best friend..and her dad!!



I went through my very very early posts..and god..have i changed!!

i did..i can see it so clear..but what happened to make me break down..or break free..

What caused the change in is not a is a hateful discovery..

Sometimes we are illusional about stuff to sedate our souls..sometimes..self confrontation is the hardest task of all..but it’s nessecary..for my full i can turn the page..or shred the page..remember this poem??oh..i was suffering back then..but compared to now..i was blessed!!

yes..i admitt..that i am like everyone else..although i never thought that before..i am..

Fool enough to walk right into the pit and not knowing ,yet imagining that life would be a childhood dream…where i am all good..and people are all true..


I went through my backstages too..oh..i had those backstage feelings stuffed to my throwt..that the minute i wrote them..the minute they got loose..nothing is wrapping me as own backstages!!

A few months ago..when my posts i changed..i screamed for help in it..andآ i took defeat in it…and i tried to rescue it…and now i’m giving birth to it…again..


And why would i feel that i have a backstage when i am living it??cause part of me isn’t…the part who hated the mistakes..and regrets the sins..

I feel an enormous amount of truth coming from my eyes right now..i haven’t felt this way for quite sometime..


I wish i stayed that innocent..that pure and hopefull for a great faithful tomorrow..

I wish i never gave up my call for any wanted dream i strived for..

I wish i wasn’t that intrigueing to what ever saw a chance to seduce me.

I wish i stayed a watcher…not a player..i know i had that coming..and i know it’s my mistake…

I wish i knew that there is no such thing as perfect…you can’t have it all..

I wish i knew that there are no excuses if the caller falls..if the callersآ took care of herself and forgot her role..

I wish i wasn’t that arrogantآ  confessing my sins to me..kept arguing that i’m not and nagging to be looked at as the same pure thing..when i was covered in mud..

I wish i believed what i saw in my what i saw in other’s lying eyes..


Oh how i lost..i lost what can never be regained..

And i kept running and taking covers untill i couldn’t run any revealed..

it showd it’s ugly face ..the naked truth..of what i had and what i need to argue..and proveآ that i was excused..or troubled or bad even..


And yes..i want it back..i want what i had back..i can’t turn time..and i can’t keep crying over spilled milk…and i can’t change what others think of me..and i can’t stop caring also!!


What i can ..reclimb that high mountain that i was once on and sound

take good care of my spirit and look forward..move forward..unattache that infinit chain that kept me runing around in circles with out reaching but the bottom as i try to hold myself together..

I’ll forget about those last few months..and continue from where i want to be not where i ended..maybe then..after days..months or years..i’ll remembre these days and think.. i won…

maybe i’ll win what is more than just my previous state..

Allah only knows..and luckily for us..that allah’s understanding and mercy can cover us all and forever..with no furthur questioning or blame..he created us and he knows how weak and fragil we are..he knows how helpless we can be..

And he is the powerful who can make things be …instantly…


Backstage…DEATH !

Asalam 3alaykom,

As sad and shocked..i am also hyper and rebillous and i want to say what i never thought i would say..what every normal girl would hide..i want to scream itآ so loud..i want to write it in a paper and stick it on foreheads..Don’t mind the longest post you’ve ever read…but it’s now or never!!!


And because i trust you..and i wish if i can make all the thousands that may pass by jeeran read this..and have the same eye opener that i have..

Today..i’m backstaging about:: my uncle’s death..


Early,this morning ..right after i prayed brother called and told me the news..i was lonely and i felt so so scared,death rocks me..terrifies me..for the deceased and for myself!!

As i waited for the car to arriveآ i wrote the previous post..i couldn’t cry..but i had this sharp pain in my heart..the car came and i had my two cousins with me..they were as stunned..


My uncle..may allah’s mercy be upon him..was the most handsome man inآ  the family and probably i know of..he had theآ appearance of french movie stars..he purchased his outfits from fashion houses in paris and italy..very fit and healthy.mid fourties.

He was marriedآ to a great lady who adored him and they were given two lovely boys age 13 and 12..and a little one year old girl..he has five older brothers and a very old mom who had him as her buddy and sonآ ..


He is the only musician other than my dad..he is not famous to public but within the field..and he did it only for money..the several thousands that he would make in one week and would make him give his family a great life..he tried more than once to leave..he failed to make any kind of business,and he would always return..

He feared allah but couldn’t change his life for good..


The night he died..and i say this with great great sadness..he was playing on stage in a hotel..suddenly he dropped dead…Can you imagine what the band..the guests..the performer felt??


I arrived at his mother’s house,she was in …i can’t describe how she hysterical..but just unreal…the moment she saw me and i saw her she cried my name in a way that made all the rivers of sadness flow..i revealed my shock and my pain..from loosing him..and from fearing for him!!

I loved him..he liked me a lot..and he would praise me by saying…american angel..then would smile and say: no..there are no such angels in america..and he would make my heart fly…i never saw him much..he spent most his life in italy and paris,then came to settle after marriage but also..he is always on the run..


His wife and his sister came..they were more devistated than his mom..i knew how much he meant to everyone,his wife loved him beyond love..she used to say that he is her dream come true..she couldn’t just take the pain..i couldn’t say one word but la illah ila allah..through my flooded quiet tears..


It was time to go to the hospital..i arrived to see piles of people every where..every group indecate that there is a death in their family…then came our turn..i looked around..whereآ are my uncles..where are my brother..where are the men of the family.??

Couldn’t see but:::: the familiar faces of musicians..some areآ  well known,some are semi famous and some are not but i can tell who they were…they were confused..crying..couldn’t see infront of them!!!!!!!! numb..yet sad..they stood there not knowing what to do..

I got angry..where are elshoyookh bto3na?? feenak ya shiekh brother??

Who will say lots of do3aa2..take care of his kids?/ just be there!!! the things that men do!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAh..they were at home.!!!!..the preformer came..tried to comfort his wife who was crying like hell..atareeha had the same experience ..on ly…her boy never got to see his dad….i looked at her,i knew her but didn’t see her since the last time i saw a show eight years ago..she knew me and huged me and was very nice and simple ..infact too simple..she seemed kind..infact too kind!!!


The funeral car took him..we drove behind him till the mosque where we should pray on him after noon prayers..and there i found my a state ..i never saw him like that in my whole life and i read a certain look in his he’s telling me: i’m ten years older,unfitt and sick!!!

I just kept kissing his hands..kissing his hands..i didn’t want to stop but he would pull it away,i wonder why do they always do that… ya baba let me have your hand..we had an argument two days ago and i felt so so so guilty after this..al7amdlelah..he was lovingآ and raddy 3anny..


The mosque is in midtown..a great number of people were arriving every second and the passing cars were interested in knowing what are these big number of black BMWs and Mercedes doing lining up like this..a lot of famous artists were arriving…people were gathering more and more…untill…and to my great surprise..came a glowing man breaking the crowds..dressed in a suit that is all printed in flowers,did you guess?? yes he is!!

oo eeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

why and how?? we were all stunned but what happened after that really changed my whole view of everything…i swear: thousands..were gathering inآ  a matter of minutes..i found myself squashed by human and my cousins held eachother tight..we were standing next to my dad’s car..our car was parked far..we couldn’t walk there men elza7ma…

all those people were laughing..talking about my dad..and the glowing man…faking that they were relatives of myDEAD get a hand shake from glowy orآ  dad..or the preformer who suffered in and out of the mosque from the men in the street who actually climbed a near by tree to get a good look!!!!!


AT this point…it was so so so mad that the two way roadآ stopped and was full of people..after almost fainting from heat and kicked and knocked from haza altagamhor alraheeb…the police came..took them 30 minutes to make all the crowd walk away..stillآ we would find groups of them near by..i over heared what???




and someone who plays mr. i know it all: pointing at me and saying: look at this covered woman ..she isآ ” my dad’s” wife..


All the laughter and talk made me sick…what kind of humans have we this death?? do we feel any compassion at all??


Again..lots of artists..several were smoking pot in the street..Kissing in the street..3ady..mana yama ghele6 w tobt w ghele6 tany w tobt…w lesa w lesa..bas the question is untill when??.iآ see that starnge man who is deliberetly beykhbat feena…آ blood preasure is going up and up and up..that i almost hit him,but i found my dady’s driver coming to our rescue and he and the performers bodyguard kept watching us till the end…i almostآ left and skipped the prayer but the profound sadness in his son’s eyes made me pin myself to the pavement till they called for prayer..


Thank allah i prayed on him…thank allah i was there to hold his wife,kids and who ever i could help as much as i could..

Thank allah i never stopped do3a2 and prayers..


It was a nightmare,that i watched and lived at the same time..we drove behind his car to the Were he is buried…they went in to bury him..i stayed in the car..cause it’s not sunnah for women..then went home..


We all went home..maybe hurt and sad and shocked..but we returned home……he didn’t…he is being asked..his qiamah began…and i was scared that i couldn’t say a word but do3a2 while i was thinking about what i saw today..


What kind of life is this..what kind of death is that..

How can artists live normally after today…or they see that but just can’t walk he couldn’t..Are they scared like i am?


They even looked at me in a demeaning way cause i was the onlyone covered up untill they saw me in the BMWآ then they started smilling at me…in the funeral!!!!!!!!!!!!

And artists who didn’t know me, had others pointng me to them as a kind of torfah..ahhhhhh bent folan elfolany…yaaaaaaah!!


What scale??

What makes us worthwhile??

Is the thousands wel gaw elmawboo2 worth it??


I feel so guilty for wanting things from life…i feel so guilty that i keep thinking about my needs… i asked death bigger than life that we should give it up to save our necks after we die?? then i would remember what i know from quran and sunnah…


Ya rab..allahuma arrena al7aq 7aqa..wal ba6el ba6ela…

Ya rab a7sen khatematana…ya rab taqabalna fe 3ebadek alsale7een..

Ya rab la tametna 2ela wa anta radden 3ana..

Ya rab na7no aldo3afaa2 2elayk

Ya rab!!


آ آ آ, myself and music!!



As most of you know…i was born into music!!

My dad welcomed me to the world with a song…actually, I’m smiling know that I remember itJJ

I inherited his musical genes along with some other things. I thought music,ate it and drank it…Absorbed every tune that I ever heard…blues…jazz…hip…se3edy…pop.old new…it didn’t matter I could find amazing soul in each and every one.

Being among the musical factory made it attach even more…i went through the whole process from the words till composing them and recording it…yet I was never able to see the trick in the whole thing.

Coming up with the right tunes made me dizzy… it’s beautyآ is always amazing…seeing song writers use words as threads of silk was astonishing. To see all this talent in one place…at studios I’d see instrument players that are so so good and highly respected…

Yet music to me was always like drugs!!..i get all emotions and dreams from it..It’s the interpreter of what I feel and I’m its reaction!!


After my blessings of knowing how religion soothes ones soul and comfort the troubled heart. I started to feel funny about music. I started to feel something is wrong with me…

I had no idea that it’s 7aram or makrooh or anything..i never heard before that religion talked about music..

But one day I was in the car with my dad..and he wanted to know what I thought about a recent romantic song he can imagine ofcourse what kind of sound system he had in the car…the melody and lyrics penetrated every single cell in me…the words were so so sweet and romantic..he did an amazingly loving melody that made my eyes water…and it hit me!!!

They are fooling people!!!

Dad isn’t that sensitive with love!! The writer which was a good friend of mine,has nothing to do with these words!! He’s actually in and out of affairs all the time…i’ve seen how he talks about puppets!!

What is that?? I thought…how can they sell us this men really love this way?? Do they hear the breeze sighing when it passes through her hair?!

Do they really love her smile and need no touch!!

I was convinced then that they are selling illusion to people…people hungry for affection and aren’t able to get it in reality so they dream of it with songs..

Men like it cause it moves them and expresses how they are moved..which is great for them because all the girls, who are fools by the way, would believe that men loves them like fadl shaker or think that she is the most beautiful in the universe like saber!!

Music sometimes can be ..el7aga elasfara elly wa7ed momken yeshrabha lewa7da 3ashan yed7ak 3aleeha!! Just like old Arabic movies!! Funny but true..

It is like a consperecy…and song makers are actually making a great living plotting it…

And let me tell you this…the music business doesn’t stop at that! It affects and leads to more serious damage. It’s when the lady singer appears half naked to sell her record. When it is used in night clubs for dancing and drinking…most artists do drugs. And I’m not exaggerating. Thank Allah that my dad is into sweets!!

Seeing an artist stoned is common. If you’re interested in music

You’d know that most pop and rock stars get high before any concert…It becomes so normal that we won’t find it rebelling in time…we loose the right scale..

And please reconsider when u listen to sting or seal or even Michael Bolton. No one loves this, save the tears and heart ache..

Even drama songs that scratch wounds..what’s the use of reliving some painful history??

And do you really need heshek beshek to celebrate?? It’s just traditions..when infact all this music leads to that every one attending the wedding is looking for a mate..just like African tribes do!!


May be some people take songs as entertainment and don’t allow it to make much influence on them…I guess these are fortunate people..really lucky…

آ Cause until this day I find it very difficult to shut my ears when Iآ  happen to hear it not to mention what is stuck in my head till this day.addictive it is!!.

Actually now I think of it as part of whom I was…but part of what messes me up…

I try to stick to what’s in my memory for some fun…

And the moment I hear strings…i feel that they are played on my heart. And that hurts…weakens…makes you long for something doesn’t exist…


“Killing me softly with his song!!”





Not all my BACKSTAGE experiences were tragic. Sometimes I laughwhen I remember things….


ON that same trip a friend of my father suggested to take is to the open zoo outside of …He was a musician and the son of a huge Lebanese singer. He was rather calm and somehow respectable. and that’s why dad agreed to take us with,yeh I had two friends at the time that accompanied me..

We woke up early and we found him waiting in front of the hotel ..We passed by a super market and he and my dad went in and returned with a big bag..Ofcourse we felt the squeaky movement of our stomach. We were hungry and it was a long ride and we didn’t have any breakfast earlier…My dad held me the bag and we went yummy yummy…it was filled with marshmallows and mini muffins…cakes and these staff…

Me and my two friends were sitting in the back and we started to open the stuff, to tell you the truth those mini muffins were superb. really great..

Oh…I didn’t forget to ask dad and his friend if they wanted some.but they said no. no keep it my darling…I said o.k. and we went on and completed the mission…when we went through the gate…we drove for about ten minutes down a narrow road and yet we saw nothing. I kept looking around for any kind of animals and there was nothing, he stopped and I saw something on my left, between those tall trees and I kept moving back and forth trying to see something and suddenly I saw a black thing on my right and I felt the car jumping and something sounded boom!!

It was a bear jumping on the car front. My couragous big daddy was terrified, laughing and astonished at the same time. As for that back seat, it was giggling non stop!

Dad said quickly: Give me the bag. What bag, I said. He said: the muffin bag. That was strange now…Now he felt hungry. I handed him the bag which was almost empty. He took it while looking at the bear. Put his hands in. almost found nothing…

He said. Where’s the bear’s food??

I and my friends looked at each other and I said: The bears ate them!!!

آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ  ***************************



I just have to admit that I was a silly teen. I made fun of my self too many times…why…I have no idea but I used to crack up at the strangest times. Making my dad super embarrassed!

Again in !! We were walking down the champs. Avenue and we ran into that very famous movie star and her husband the producer. She looked much more decent than in movies and she was very well dressed in a rather conservative suit…

After the introductions and kisses. It turned out that they were going to the same cafأ© we were heading too…we sat down and ordered drinks and everything and they started asking my dad about that accident that shook the field at that time…You know it? No??

o.k… It was about that singer that was attacked in a hotel and left to die!!

My dad knew him too well and they started asking about him. I was sitting really bored…had nothing to do with this dull talk and that dull company…Counting the minutes, wanting to sit alone with my dad…and suddenly the husband said, I heard that he can’t control his urination…does he really wear pampers??

And the juice I was drinking burst out from laughter. I thought that diapers for a man are damn funny!!…the sprinkles jumped over the table where the man sat and that made me laugh even more. I couldn’t even say sorry!!

They looked at me with this disgusted look and I felt the man would reach out and choke me…Ofcourse my dad was embarrassed and kept saying, honey. That is not appropriate!! ..What is wrong with you…?

They said, oh we’re late. See you and left me with the look on my daddy’s sweet face!!

For revenge..Dady knew exactly how to make me pay..He took me to the movie theatre next to the famous “lido” to make me see lethal weapon part three…but that wasn’t it…he slept during the whole movies and wake up neer the end …so he got me to see it again!!!Twice at the same night…with a big grin on his face!!


Wanna share silly memeories??I’m all ears..Even willing to laugh;)آ 




The underground people are just like those people ..with special set of rules

different air..different faces,hands and redish eyes..

All the weiredness of how humans mis lead whole communities into thier womb..

When everything you ever read in books start to sound childish and vague..

It’s where reality have another meaning..sweet and sour yet fatal.

most of night wombs..not the same walk from the door to find a totally different must walk way in on long narrow lanes or go down lots of stairs to reach the big gate of the other side of open the curtains on the wildest play..when humans are in thier lowest stage of humiliating them selves..what you see in movies or abroad is not the case..

Ironicly,and because of the twisted minds..night clubs in hotels are looked on differently and they are set and thought to be a prestigious thing..infact they are worse cause they spend trible the money and the rooms are too near to have second thoughts..

getting drunk is a fact that no one think about..going to the bathroom is a communicating skill,when it’s easy to exchange phone calls..arranging most of the business deals among the thiefs who steal from the poor..and with the pressence of the double agents who are always the dancer..

don’t you dare be poor and cheap and not make the longest necklace made of cash to decorate the bare chest of the belly dancer..

every one is walking around doing absolotly corrupted,low,indecent jobs with the most serious looks on thier faces..disasters happen if the drummer skiped a note..thunder and lightning shake the stage..aint working a worship.?!.

the biggest surprise when you see your bully friend’s father sitting and doingآ horribles and then acts as if he was nice and ask the ten year old who came over by mistake to shut up and don’t mention the lady in red that sat on his lap..

that is the other side of midnight..when thier day bats or vampires..they would disappearآ by sunrise..

they have no idea about the other side of mid night ..when kind,pure people stand on thier feet for hours not to serve booz or dance..but to talk to allah ..using his own words..

people who spread thier forheads to allah and try to get closer and closer to him..people who are simple yet great..powerless cause they surrendered to the almighty’s power..

people who didn’t loose control on themselves..thier senses are still functioning..thier bodies are holy..can’t afford the shrimp besides the wine..

but still walk with thier heads held high…آ 


Sometimes i have flashes clicking in my mind of things i observed or sadly been a part of.

And when that happens i get astonished as if i was seeing something for the first time,and as if i did something bad that i regret.

While regret is a painful process i keep reminding my self thatآ it’s better to experience and come out with something than not to experience at all..but still i wishe i was never exposed., i wish i was never there..although i don’t like remembering the whole phase, i can’t help but feel like trying to unveil the truth around this..claimed to be..glamourous life..

at least with the so little i can reveal!!



everything went smooth on the u.s trip..although the veil irritated some people..yet it was less thanآ she thought it would be…her veil and her brother’s little beared stood out and oneday their friends opened the discussion..

michele said: we look at this beared as the unclean look..cause in order to be presntable you must have what we call as the clean look..shaved,combed and dressed nicely..

strangely she answered instead of her brother: i noticed that boys in the u.s like beckham’s hair cut and no one is hipp without ronaldo’s t-shirt(at the time.)…

he said:yes…

she said:they look up to football players and imitate them..and we look up to our prophet and we imitate him..and i won’t question who is more worth looking up to cause i don’t need to!!

and he never said another word!!

as i said that was the thing ..just o.k..till those friends decided to take their guests in atrip of the life time or so they called VEGAS…

The unbelievable hotel dazzeled them and some buisnessmen and artists were waiting for them to celebrate their fathers arrival..and the presence of kevin costner among themآ  made an incredeble fuss..wows weews..whoos..every kind of human one was left unamzed..the dinner went on smoothly and the brother and sister were hypnotized by the whole thing ,still didn’t forget them selves…

after a while the americsn friends thought they wanted to play…the kids saw that as a normal thing for americans to do ..but the pain started when the arabs went in as well so excited as if they were gonna ride the roller coaster not commite one of the biggest sins in islam…..

the girl wouldn’t stay in the lobby..she felt chocked and tears kept falling on her cheecks like rivers..she couldn’t bare the place that is so full of sin and except for her dad and brother the whole place was filled with sinners..sins..the whole city may have been disobaying felt like hell felt like there was no way out..she didn’t know what to do..she tookآ the small book of allah from her purse and started reading quietly while leaning towards the wall of the parking..

tears where all over the pages..she kept thinkingآ of allah’s wisdom to leave all this wrong be..luckily after a little while her father and brother came with another car to drive back toآ L.A…



to answer a very important question for some;)

i never saw ruby….

i was around way before those people..but i’ve known that my dad don’t like dealing with them either.!!



Well, don’t think for a second that devoted people don’t have fun…

Infact ..they have the most fun ever..know why??

cause life is full of unsinful kinds of fun and if you realy concentrate on having 7alal fun..the fun will be multiplied..i believe that when you do something bad wrapped up in don’t enjoy yourself to the max..cause there’s always something nagging in the back of ur mind..most people ignore cause they don’t know what it is your consionce saying…i don’t feel good about this!!

know how??

if you ever experience spending the day on a private beach or swimming pool with no one there looking at you (if u r a girl)…or make you stare(if u r a boy) would enjoy the most amazing feeling of sun,sea,skyآ and playing with your family would be great..

if you go to a restaurant and concentrate on not ordering forbidden foods or will be having a great time….if you go to the park and ride things or get in a roller coaster ,you’ll be having so much fun…if you even stay home with your family or friends or wife and play some silly game ,you’ll be having fun….i could go on forever setting examples!!

come on let’s enjoys allah’s blessings and have 7alal fun:):):)

you can even have a few of these and have the yummy fun!!









آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ  take one…………..


Dedicated to neverland…


I was born in a family that is of a strange father is one of the well known music composers..and so does his family except for one or too exceptions..

my mom ‘s family is an aristocratic..but she was too simple..the most devoted reader and an idealist..and because water and oil don’t mix..there was no future family..

and i was like a bird that had two different could fly well but strangely..

one wing takes me high above the sky with my mind and soul..and the other is pulling me down to nasty reality.

mom,is a sub dad was great and differant from his fieled..but yet..stained…

i was taught to use my senses to the maximum and to be aware of various cultures and beliefs..yet i’d آ face the other side of the moon..and watch the big illusional lapse of morals ever existed..

regarding living sometimes on the other side..BACKSTAGE was shocking to me..cause artists tend to reciete stereotypes to wrapp what they do with silk..they lie and believe the lie..they feel great..they use lines from movies and songs in their own conversations..and believe me reality bites..

values like integrety,honour ,honesty and purity are very rare and not even talked about by the same meaning that we know…

it’s perfectly,absloutly normal for people to drink or use drugs or commit adultry..even if few people don’t do it..they see it happen every day and don’t mind dealing with such people..there’s a very very well known songwriter that i know who has to make out with almost most ladysingers in order to feel her so he can write proper songs for her..

most of my life i was only an observer..but i must admitt that despite my moms efforts to raise me unstained..those measurments scrwed my brain..the value was…my artistic general knowledge..traviling abroad..wearing funcky..being hipp..

the final straw was when i met a very very important man who was a novelist and very intellectuale..he was a name that anyone who reads dream about meating him…

i dressed up for the day..i knew he was coming at my father’s houseآ for dinner..i had a hundred question and topic..the proud wing was flipping when he arrived..i was shocked..may be because i had some of my mom’s idealizm…

he kept giving me nasty looks…and then he started whispering to his friend..this friend is a very big busnissman that i knew all my life..he was asking for alcohol for the dad didn’t have any…he returned and whispered to ask permission to bring the writer’s bottel from his car…..

the man couldn’t sit down calmly for ten minuets without drinking…

suddenly i had a lightbulb moment…how come he’s that intellectual when he is that stupid..i thought..

if he is smart..he would understand that the ultimat treasure that we haveآ is being a muslim and that tells us not to worship anything but allah..not to humiliat ourselves and commit a great fault that drag us to jahelia again..

It is all a myth..a sherade..

they believe the unbelievable…

they think they are big..huge.!!.

fame and money does that to them..

fame and money makes people applause them.

so when they strip,kiss,dance halfnaked or write abusivly about religion..they get so selfcentered and call it creation..

no one has the courage to say that om,koulthoum may..just, perhaps be judged and may be punished..just like any other human being…they would kill you..

myths that was created within me was destroyed. now,.i believe in the good within us..the good that was given to us…i don’t jugde the book by it’s cover anymore..i have to read every page and may quote or may not..

we don’t have to listen to other people’s openion all the time..every oneآ have to search for his own truth..his own set of rules..his own facts and values..only then we can take full responsibility for our choices..only then we will learn..we will grow up.

i was lucky to know that talent doesn’t make you a idol..

talent is given to us and we may or may not nurture it…but it doesn’t make sense that presidents stand up and applause for an actor that puts makeup and wears red gowns after mid night..

it’s wrong…disgustly wrong…

i think i said it with too much grafic.آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ 

didn’t i tell you..?

reality bites..!


آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ 



Well..i have to say that things weren’t always that terrible…

Sometimes it was just..strange…overwhelming at some occasions.

I remember the first time i went to paris with my father as a’s different ofcourse..cause travelling as a child would bring up answered questions in my mind..but teens feel the answers before learning them..

The seconed i steped out from the plane i realized that the same surrpoundings would be there only limited..

a weired man in his late twenties was waiting for us in the airport..he was moving too much,makeing a fuss about dady’s if he were the presedent of god knows what..he looked silly,exadurating like that ..

After a couple of hours..the phone rang in dady’s hotel seemed strange to me..who would call us that fast..unfortunatly i answered to find the extra-femenin sound of an arabian woman…being cute and freindly asking about my father..the surprise was that he didn’t know her..

she was a fannnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

ofcourse the next morning i had another small accident with reality when i saw a couple of girls a little older than i playing around when i went toآ 

iffel tower..they were literly quarter covered……and arabians..!

i wasn’t veiled at the time and rather funky but their outfits were outragious as any thing not just arabs..

isawآ  a lot of artists and important people on this trip..they would gather at a cafe on the champselese…one night iآ was sitting with my dad when a very old man came over with his family to say hi..i knew that he was a very rich man from saudi arabia..and he was asking my dad to call a very well known artiste to convince her to take only 250 thousand dollars …i was so curious to know what for..they kept talking for about 10 min. and i was dieing to know…i was more curious when my dad refused interfere…at last his wife said..well,i will not ask her to sing or dance..the kids just want to take pictures with her on their sister’s birthday party..

and i burst in a hesterical laughing case…i just couldn’t stop or not show..the man and his family stared at me and my dad was embaressed and saying..what’s wrong honey??something must’ve happened on the street!!

after a minute they were gone….and i said to my father…250 thousand dollars just for photos?!

he said..yes..but she insists on 300..!!

Realy that was it..i knew that it was all fake..worthless..

some people spend their life time to study and work hard and live respectfully and they don’t get to do half that amount of money..

humans aren’t fair..and when they screw decency and morals and common sense…life is turned upside down…

Back then i wasn’t aware that iآ will meet a different kind of humans that will make me restore faith in decent people again..

Back then i just had to thank allah that my father is not that corrupted..

hhhe never drank or smoked..never thought he was so much..i realy admired his humble soul..he’s the kind of man who wouldn’t go into fancy restaurants without his driver sitting among us on the same table..talking and laughing with us…

he would always point out the uglyness around him and teach me lessons on how to stay away from all that..he didn’t shut my eyes..but made me see the truth…whats behind the scenes…

To be continued………..

آ آ