Flashlights in my eyes

Thursday 30th June

Live music…Piano…caressing, pressing on, pounding and dancing on the keys with his brilliant fingers…the piano was black and grand…and the music revived my soul…took me away from life and up to the skies…I breathe…I, then, breathe…then suddenly and by an odd chance  I was exposed!!

I knew it was time…

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Morning: Surrounded by many colleagues…watching a scene from a movie as part of the studying process: and there it was…music…a guitar that screamed on the sidewalk…a talent disclosed…and she joined him on the piano…he was humming the tunes…she was playing them…he was guiding her through the notes…and she was following his melody…and i had him in my head sitting their…on the black grand piano…humming tunes and guiding me into playing them…then we sing together…and he’d smile i get the tunes…and he’d smile when I harmonize…

a girl from the group looked at me…smiled…and said: does it remind you of something?

And I couldn’t hide the sting that evoked many soundless tears to flood from my eyes…quietly i left my seat to head to the bathroom…no one noticed me but my best friend…the bathroom was busy so i stood at the end of the hall…facing a tiny window overlooking the empty street and a dull tree…and i breathed him out…with many tears…hearing the couple from the movie still playing and still singing and hearing my heart still weeping but i choked on the sounds…my tears are silent…soundless crying…and i cried…cried…and cried…till the tears stopped on their own…I managed to wash my face…and faned it with my hands dry…and went back to my seat hoping my eyes are tearless…my pain over missing him at that very moment inserted a sharp pin in my heart…and it wouldn’t go away…

 

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Afternoon: A boat in the nile…amazing breeze…kids that look older at that very moment…many years have passed…and i worry…I worry about them…

the boat turns…the smoke from my cigaret blows towards them…so i stop smoking…and i wish i could smoke…my mind was worrying over my kids…my heart was missing a beat…a certain beat i only know of…again…should i be grateful i had a long time-out from that beat? should i be grateful i have it now?

The Serenity of the emptiness was good while it lasted…

Here i am…slightly slightly aching again…living again…here…i…am…

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Noon: the circle felt complete…I felt the belonging…the secure belonging…despite being conscious and putting myself out there in front of them…i know i have the guts many people don’t have…so i might as well enjoy it…act upon it…and trust them…

I trust them…I trust it…it…that ties me to that grass and to that breeze that blew through my hair…to that sky…to it…that spirit…

I feel WHOLE there…and M’s eyes always hug me…always…always…all i have to do is look at her…when i’m confused…in pain…scared…uncomfortable…M’s look hugs me…and i…I AM…I AM there…on that spot on that day at that time holding that book…I BE.

Noon: I know what I’m good at…I know what i want…will pursue it wholeheartedly! 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Night: The market was so so crowded i could barely hear myself thinking: why the heck have i come here to shop on a SATURDAY?!

Mom was smiling…we were walking inside and each had a kid in her hand…a kid who wanted to pull his/her hand away and walk freely…but we wouldn’t let them…too crowded…too damn crowded and we have nothing but those kids…we love…LOVE LOVE those kids and we LIVE for those kids…we wouldn’t let go…

I looked at her and said:

– “I need a break”

– “aren’t you having one already -ya nasaba”, and she laughed.

– “Not really…attempts only…i need to set my self free…”

– “entaleqy ya bent elmontaleqa “, she laughed again and nodded that she understands…then she made something with her hand -while still smiling- like flipping a burger on a grill.

– “No…Idon’t believe that would happen to me…other things may cause that…I harm no one…I am a good person”

– “yes you are”

we didn’t talk again…but as we reached home she gave me that piercing look that contained: take care of yourself…i’m scared over you…and i understand, all at the same time.

I looked away…didn’t say a word…end of story!

 

 

 

 

Sunday 3rd July

Very early in the morning: No need to be smart to get it! it’s obvious!

Still naive? Is it a bad thing after all?

Well…I feel every emotion and speak every word SO sincerely…and that is so rich and so valuable…no one and nothing would ever rob that away from me.

Rational I gotta be…and mature as I know I can.

Watermark: Breathless…restless…focused…trembling…strong…emotional…sincere…defensive and slightly slightly in pain…some say I’m vulnerable these days…well…I am a tough gal…so, all combined,,,,I’ll be ok.

 

Where is the soul?

One of the best book club meetings was on yesterday.

The gloomy skies…the cold chill…and the rain, failed to have any toll on us.

We sat there totally and fully mesmerized by the book…our presence and how the closure was as the book came to an end.

last story in the book “women who run with the wolves” was of …

a girl who was always told not to go to the woods..the tribe warned and warned about the woods and the wolf hiding in there.

the girl answered: “This is my life, not a fairy tale, i have to go to the woods and i have to meet the wolf, or else my life will never begin.”

And she went and found the wolf trapped…she wanted to help it and she said: how do i know you won’t harm me? how do i know you won’t kill me and leave me lying in my bones?

“wrong question,” said the wolf. “you’ll just have to take my word for it” and the wolf began to cry and wail…

“ohhh, aieeee! aieeee! there’s only one question worth asking fair maiden, woooor aieeee th’ sooooool?”

 

 

 

The girl took the chance and sprang the trap and the wolf was et free…it thanked the girl and as she spoke out words like: “come on now…kill me and let us get it over with”

The wolf said: “i am a wolf of another time and place” he gave her an eyelash of his and asked her to use it and be be wise as from now on she will know who is good and not so good…she will look through his eyes and will see clearly.

and again he wailed: “wooor aieee th’ soooool?

she went back to her village and started holding up the wolf’s eye lash and she saw with it the evil…the motives…she was saved from so many misfortunes…

and after seeing the evil she began to grow immense at heart…and began to see the good:

She saw those who were truly kind and went near them,

She found her mate and stayed all the days of her life,

She discerned the brave and came close to them,

She saw bewilderment under anger and hastened to soothe it,

She saw love in the eyes of the shy and reached out to them,

She saw suffering in the stiff-lipped and courted their laughter,

she saw all things with her lash of wolf…all things true and all things false

All things turning against life and all things turning toward life…

 

see… the most important question in order to see into and behind, to weigh the value of all that lives: Where is the soul?

And the soul is in “the woods”…

We, my companions and i sat there on the damp grass…under a grey cloud…we were overwhelmed by the magic of stories for healing and educating or for entertainment…

We talked and laughed and welcomed a few rain drops…

And, I don’t remember when was the last time when words hit my heart and soul so hard that i feel i breathe them…i breathe them and i taste them and they clear my sight and my heart and my spirit.

As now i know where my power to sustain or overcome has driven…from where do i get the guts to try, agree, rebel, claim and refuse…I’ve always though it was from the gift of passion i have…or my ability to renew faiths and take myself a step ahead always…and I’ve always thought i was bold and wild because i had less valuables to care for…sometimes i felt it was because i am less…but fact is…it is because i am in touch with the soul…my soul…other souls…I am highly connected to the soul…and maybe my unconscious search for the soul in everything is giving me clarity to see the goodness among the most turbid souls…and maybe now that i am sure of what i desire to seek it will give me more clarity to see the evil and the good and to really go after the soul more.

If i said i am overwhelmed by this story and the use of words in it i would be understating it.

I find much beauty and depth in sentences like “She saw suffering in the stiff-lipped and courted their laughter”

I want to be that girl…

I want to be that girl…