إهانتى بطبيعتى

فى الأفلام الدرامية…دائماً ما يبدأ الرجل السافل المعتدى على إمرأة بمسكها من شعرها..شده..جرها منه..وتصرخ هى من الألم

فى الأفلام الكوميدية…عندما تفعل المرأة شيئاً يستحق التأنيب..وبمزح…يمسكها الرجل من شعرها..وتتأوه بضحك

فى الأفلام المرعبة..الواقعية..فى بلدنا..يمسك عسكرى الجيش المرأة من شعرها..اول شىء..ويشدها منه ويجرها منه..وهو يقربها اليه..ويذيقها وابل من الشتائم

قد يظن البعض ان المحجبة لا تُشد من شعرها…هراء!! يمسك الرجل المعتدى بايشاربها من الخلف ليجد ربطة شعرها فيشده..مع

الإيشارب..وهى تصرخ من الألم

تهان المرأة بشعرها أول شىء…وكأن الرجل المعتدى ، غريزياً يستخدم طبيعتها العادية فى إهانتها

وكذلك بالنسبة لجسدها…فجسد المرأة عورة شائت ام أبت…سواءً كانت متدينة ام لا…سواء كان هو متدين ام لا…الرجل المعتدى يهين المرأة بطبيعتها…هى لها ثدى وبطن لا تُعرى..عادة! ..فان اراد اهانتها..يعريها

وفى افلام الخيال العلمى..يهين الكائن المرأة فيكشف عن عذريتها!

ارى تلك الاهانات وتغلى انسانيتى في

تغلى بحرارة الرفض

بحرارة الغضب

بحرارة عنفوان الرغبة فى الإنتقام

واشعر باكثر احساس بالقهر يمكن ان اشعر به

انى اقهر بسبب طبيعتى

كامراة

جعلونى عورة

ثم اهانونى بكشفى

واعلم واؤمن ان هذا ليس صنع دين

واعلم واؤمن ان هذا ليس من صنع الله

لن الوم الله ان جعلنى مختلفة

فالحقيقة

الله جعل الرجل مختلفاً عنى…الا انى سمحة..ذات روح غنية..عادلة..طيبة..مقدرة..كونية..انسانية…فالرجل المختلف عنى…جعلته حبيباً وابناً

ولم أُعَنوِن إختلافه كعورة..ولم احاول ابدا ابدا اهانته بطبيعته!

ولن أفعل ذلك انتقماً منه..انتقاماّ لما فعله بى طول الحياة…انتقاماً لان حولنى الى قطع من لحم ..تُثير او تُهان

جل ما افعله…ان ارجع طبيعتى الى طبيعتى…بداخلى اولاً…ثم بروح ابنى وابنتى…ثم ساراجع  كل البشر…فى ارواحهم …

وسيأتى يوم..لن يهان فيه بشر بطبيعته

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Madness

When darkness is seen as broad daylight

When harm is seen as sheer delight

When truths are only repeated lies

When myths reform into cries

 

Day dream all you want poor mind

you are alone, detained, collapsed yet can find,

sweet logic against a sort of madness, one of a kind

sweet reality…broken melody…echoes defined

 

you fall weak to your knees

can’t bear to stand, or run…you just freeze

can’t bring a stream to the scream to release

Ache and more ache pulse in ease

 

create a hurricane of words and tunes

swirling up to the seventh sky..forming dunes

lay onto the ground…magnify the ruins

sleep into the earth…restrain your doings

 

Madness will sink you down

Laughs will burn you up

Delusions will eat you alive

hurt will track your mind

 

for…nothing changes

crazy wishes can’t change them

million trials can’t bring them

crying and wallowing and giving can’t cure them

 

Madness is seeing the pit and choosing the fall

Madness is losing one bit what you know is whole

Madness is sewing the silkiness of a wall

Madness is you…loving…who can never be all

Madness is believing the lies and stall

Madness is forgiving sins and meeting run with crawl

Madness is giving big and never even taking small

Madness is desiring at night and by day appal

Madness is breaking airless rooms with a cry..a call

Madness is unpinning what you spent years to install

Madness is the GOOD you…out of control.

Jan. or June??

Like nothing has changed…Like arrogance never learned the lesson…Like Evil never subsided in front of the powers of what’s right.

again…they strike…again they beat…they injuir and they kill.

With their newly bought fiercer tear gas bombs and their stronger bullets and their vigorous guns…Again they behave ruthlessly and again they carve a thousand holes in the flesh of the egyptian people.

And again…they find weaponless people to blame…and again they detain civil to the military jails and in front of  the military courts they will be judged.

It is all coming back again…

Like a rerun…a cruel show that won’t stop running…

Am I naive thinking that a new era has begun?? was i a fool? you might answer yes…but let me tell you…maybe the wishful thinking and the simple true rights i am in favor of and would always call for sound silly to you…

Maybe i sound so…but…basic line…plots are dirty…power will forever contaminated…politics will forever be a nasty game…and fact is WE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON BEHIND THE CURTAINS.

So..silly or not…no one has the truth but the ones playing the game…the military…the government…al-ekhwan (semi-knowledge/fierce plotter) and USA.

The most absurd is the government…the puppet show.

The old wolf in the military is soooo internally powerful that he sits back and points at things so they be or NOT.

Al ekhwan don’t give a rat’s ass about who gets hit or killed or unfairly prosecuted…their eye is on the “chairs” and they are focused and organized…manipulative and dumb sleepy people defending them should wake the hell up!!

USA…orchestrates…not clearly…just awaits and just waves the wicked wand so that the whole middle east would stay under its wing and playing for its favor.

DAMN trash can!!

but…we…simple ordinary people can’t help but stick to what our narrow realization leads us…to what our heart tells us…to what we believe in.

YES there’s a conspiracy…but…is it avoidable?? conspires can use any random act or event to make a catastrophy…brainstorm, can we help??

I don’t know…I’m not sure…it is way out of my head.

But i know this…I know goodness when i see it…I know justice…I know right and wrong…I know of ideals.

I know NO ONE should use force against civils…no matter what happened and why. It is against the very basic human rights…It is against the very basic morals and democracy.

I know no civil should be detained by the military and prosecuted in front of their courts.

I know the police should organize security not lead to its explosion.

I know ordinary people should WORK…and WORK and WORK to save our country and economy and stop the god damn strikes and the god damn chaos…I know we have many rights that were swallowed in the rotten tummies of the thief this country used to let run it…but everything has a proper timing and our rights (financially) can wait till we save the land we belong to.

I know that the Prime minister should be more firm…that al3esawy should be fired!! immediately!!

I know that a freakin’ football match shouldn’t be our main concern NOW!

I know that people want a humane treatment…a firm grip on security…a fair grip!

Fire has been burning tahrir square for the past 24 hours…fire that apparently was waiting to ignite since february…masks are dropping…new masks are going to cover other truths…untill when…well…until we succeed to finish what we started civilly…

Untill human life is treated as precious…Untill the egyptian flesh is not that cheap…untill we know what we deserve and work for it…untill we experience and practice democracy as a worthy nation…untill we view each other as worthy…and untill we choose and elect according to who’s/what’s best…not according any other sick agenda.

Well…I will keep wishing for the very best…I will keep believing in the freedom i want…I will keep believing in my right to live in my country valuably…I will keep wanting a better egypt for my kids to grow up in.

And I will keep praying…that all the mess accompanying the changing process would end as safely and pain-free as possible.

Dear Religionist,

Do you have any idea what you’ve done to that child?

I know you were a child yourself…but you didn’t stop at that…you continued your malice attacks but in a different form…do you have any idea about the harm you have caused him?

You have changed a human being forever!

Your cruel remarks…your bigoty…your teasing, bullying and discrimination deformed him and many others like him.

Did you really feel superior because you have the religion of the majority? does being born to a family from a  certain religion make you better than every other human being different from yourself?

Who taught you that?

Which malignant call taught you that by being condescending, abusive and mean you get to be better?

Who taught you that by being a monster you benefit your religion? that by refusing any other way you are raising your assets?

And If someone did…How could you believe them?

have you ever felt any kind of regret that you’ve cornered the few different kids u had in class?

Was the jokes really that good?

Did you really and wholeheartedly laugh?

Or was it just a sick sadistic feeling you had enjoying hurting others…have you ever experienced being out numbered…ganged…hit…mocked at…just because your parents were of a different religion than the masses?

I guess you haven’t…well, I’ll tell you what would have happened…

You would have trembled like a leaf in a storm if some kid would pin you to the wall and keep insulting your religion….you would have been reluctant to tell freely about your beliefs, as you’ll feel the punch in the stomach before even getting touched…

The looks would have burned your forehead….

You would have always worn a huge watch to cover the little blue cross tattooed to your wrist/would have uncovered your hair/ shaved your beard/ stopped praying in the Masjid/forgotten about the church/neglected the temple/hidden the songs/turned off the Quran…

you would have been obliged to use religious accustomed sentences that were NOT from your religion just to win the approval of the masses…

you would have never felt free to act as you wished…you would have chosen who to LOVE, as they must be like you or else…. and by far that must be the cruelest act against one’s heart…to pick…LOVE.

you would have changed lanes, switched streets and felt like shrinking every time BIG RELIGIOUSLY DRESSED men walked your way or gave you the gaze.

You would have been someone shaky…hesitant…worrying…paranoied at times…

maybe hostile…sometimes violant…ouyt of fear…opression and prejudice.

Dear Racist…Dear Religionist…Dear Sexist…Dear unfair cruel arrogant condescending human being…I want to surprise you,

Allah created a universe in which he created millions of wonders and above them all was humanity…to know him…to love him…to obey him…NO ONE can identify the way…we are left to choose and we are expected to take full responsiblity…Allah is the creator, the fair judge.

Look up to the open skies…look afar to the endless waters…he wanted the world this way…open…free…and to him we shall return and each shall handle his deeds…no one else…

Not you…and Never me!

Force Sandwich

In my book, I expressed how the manifestation of force shocked me…How the sight of hundreds of guys in black costumes and the sound of their pounding feet on the ground and the grip of their hands on innocent protesters grinded my heart…I expressed all that and more, and it was like losing my “naivety” to the police force on Jan 25, 26 and 28.

 Fear broke the platinum curtain that hid dimensions of evil I have never been aware of.

 Now, I like all, have a brand new format that included practical politics, a country and respect of our right to a will.

 But now, on daily basis, I see other forms of fear…Fear from the sight of endless numbers of guys in ordinary outfits and the sound of their everyday noise and their hidden fists.

 Everyday my colleagues, my mom, in emails, on the radio, in mobile text and on the internet, everyone is warning us from the road traps that muggers create (rather innovatively I must say) to rob people and hurt them by the way.

Warnings like:

– Don’t drive in an isolated road alone.

– Always keep your window up.

– Never stop if someone asked your help or if you see a woman crying with a child on the side of the road.

– If someone threw eggs on your shield don’t turn on the sweepers, it runs milky and you’ll have to stop to wipe it and muggers will attack then.

– Don’t drive at night alone

…..etc.

My first reaction, is the same reaction I have when at some point of my life someone told me that women cheat on their husbands as much as men do, and when I knew that there was male prostitution in Egypt, and when someone would point at a car full of young dudes and say: oh…they’re shooting drugs!

My first reaction was always: OF COURSE NOT!!

Out of ignorance, I always refused to believe that such ugliness and evil existed to that extent.

I just wanted to believe that very very very few women could cheat…as I wanted to believe that only one half of the human kind are that weak…I needed to feel that families have a good shot at surviving human nastynesses and its results.

I just wanted to believe that manhood: the father figure, the provider, the strong protector, the support, the wisdom and the loving spouse could never sell himself…that when women through out history did that, it was because they had no respectful father/spouse…or self value.

I just wanted to believe that drug users are not that much and do not feel that their problem is that mild to the extent of showing it on the streets and that they wouldn’t drive high and risk killing people.

I know how silly, half logic and how far from reality my thinking was.

 But I never thought that after growing up enough to realize fully the amount of potential evil in myself and in other people, that I would still meet those warning with the disbelief I had.

 I had to see for myself to believe.

 I had to see two trucks hitting intentionally a police microbus carrying no one but a driver, the two trucks that were driving to the left and to the right of the police microbus kept coming closer together till they made the police microbus a sandwich and totally ruined the sides of the car.

The poor driver didn’t even wave an arm.

He kept moving…He met fear of people…He knew he was to be tortured if he would stop.

Ordinary microbuses and taxis break your mirror because you happen to be driving in a lane that they see more appealing.

 Beggars on a desert road -that I take everyday to reach the office- frighten people not ask them for help.

They pound on shields and they approach ladies inappropriately.

 A colleague was robbed the other day and the egg plot was used on her.

 Fear people feel from ordinary looking people could be traumatizing as you can never anticipate when it’s going to hit.

 My main concern is this: How can we reach truck and microbus drivers, beggars and such angry segment of Egyptians to spread awareness on the importance of having security in our streets?

How can we…who will do this?

Those Egyptians don’t have facebook (how I feel so alienated from them now), many won’t be able to read flyers and of course they have no time to watch TV.

 Don’t we need to work with them…face to face…with a nice attitude and in down to earth tones and language?

 Will it be an only guys plan?

I am brainstorming here…suggest…spread…do whatever you can.

But what we must all realize here, whether we are egyptians or not…The real deal is not only about changing titles and names…The real deal is not only about force…The real deal is not about slogans or even meanings we are newely trying to taste/indulge in…

The real deal is about all the aspects…aspects that show in neon lights or in tabloids and aspects that is so deep and so rooted in the very mud of our land that many of us don’t even realize.

The correction plan need to work to reform all aspects as we might be correcting the frame of the country, but without the real people of the country nothing will be worth it.

2011- Revolutionary year!

January has always been the month where all the slow things begin.

It is the first month of the slow year…slow motivation…slow actions.

but not any more…not to me personally and not to my country.

Last year, i posted how i despised and resented my beloved country for the first time…how i felt alienated and unprivileged in it…how i wanted to relocate to some other land.

Well…Now, it is a TOTALLY different story…now i have hope…now i can love Egypt again, like i always did all my life…now i can feel how closely do i belong, just like i felt all my life…now i can’t imagine being anywhere else, just like i have always since i was a child.

It has been a really long time since we had hope that life could be different…

It has been ages, as the ast time other countries looked at Egyptians with pride instead of the humiliating look they give us, was back in history and before i was born.

It has been ages since we’ve shown the kind of power we have shown in the last few days.

I wish i could marsh and shout and beat and get beaten…but for the two times i’ve moved towards the protest, i moved late and unorganized that i had nothing there to do but help with news, attempt to help protestors or merely just be there sharing or being close if my help was needed…

And during that time i found too many extreme mixed feelings…maternal feelings towards kids left at home… feelings towards friends with me whom i care for their safety…fear from the force…HATE towards force…solidarity with Egyptians…enthusiasm set on fire…and to my surprise i kept picturing myself attacking soldiers or thugs, but i didn’t…and i kept visualizing colors of brutality inflicted upon me by people in my personal life…and i felt the same resentment and hate…as if personal pain is personified in the forces down town Cairo…

All the ache, pain, hate and resentment i felt in my life had another mirrored form in the ache, pain, hate and resentment i felt while seeing and being among the protestors fleeing from tear gas bombs and gun shots…the amounts of security forces dressed in black with their shields and helmets were the manifestation of the demons responsible for every pain i went through…

As evil is from the same origin…cause formes of harm…cause formes of hate…and cause formes of REVOLUTION.

young men got beaten in front of my eyes…young men were detained in front of my eyes…and police thugs moved calmly in their casual outfits among thousands of people and we could spot them…we identified them by the monstrous look on their faces.

January 25th and 26th were two days that reformed the Egyptian life and rewrote the Egyptian modern history…and I got to live it and witness it and participate with a minor shade…a shade more sheer than pale white…but at least  i was there…

I was there and many weren’t…Many were lame and cold..Many were too numb to feel or react…Many lost hope and couldn’t see the hope in the revolution…many are drowning themselves to death in self loathing.

Many didn’t get the beating Amr Salama took, nor shouted like Amr waked shouted….Many weren’t detained like Basil Fateen (writer), Many didn’t inhale tear gas like I and my friends along with thousands of Egyptians have…Many weren’t chased down the streets and Many didn’t take rubber bullets and were injured or even dead…

If only 1/80 from the population got down to the streets…this country would have the freedom we seek…and,

Change has always been scary for me…as i have always loved to have security and stability…but now i know…that change is like giving birth…it might be hard and painful…but always promising and vibrant and full of life.

2011…is a good year…keep surprising me please…personally and nationally.

Where is the soul?

One of the best book club meetings was on yesterday.

The gloomy skies…the cold chill…and the rain, failed to have any toll on us.

We sat there totally and fully mesmerized by the book…our presence and how the closure was as the book came to an end.

last story in the book “women who run with the wolves” was of …

a girl who was always told not to go to the woods..the tribe warned and warned about the woods and the wolf hiding in there.

the girl answered: “This is my life, not a fairy tale, i have to go to the woods and i have to meet the wolf, or else my life will never begin.”

And she went and found the wolf trapped…she wanted to help it and she said: how do i know you won’t harm me? how do i know you won’t kill me and leave me lying in my bones?

“wrong question,” said the wolf. “you’ll just have to take my word for it” and the wolf began to cry and wail…

“ohhh, aieeee! aieeee! there’s only one question worth asking fair maiden, woooor aieeee th’ sooooool?”

 

 

 

The girl took the chance and sprang the trap and the wolf was et free…it thanked the girl and as she spoke out words like: “come on now…kill me and let us get it over with”

The wolf said: “i am a wolf of another time and place” he gave her an eyelash of his and asked her to use it and be be wise as from now on she will know who is good and not so good…she will look through his eyes and will see clearly.

and again he wailed: “wooor aieee th’ soooool?

she went back to her village and started holding up the wolf’s eye lash and she saw with it the evil…the motives…she was saved from so many misfortunes…

and after seeing the evil she began to grow immense at heart…and began to see the good:

She saw those who were truly kind and went near them,

She found her mate and stayed all the days of her life,

She discerned the brave and came close to them,

She saw bewilderment under anger and hastened to soothe it,

She saw love in the eyes of the shy and reached out to them,

She saw suffering in the stiff-lipped and courted their laughter,

she saw all things with her lash of wolf…all things true and all things false

All things turning against life and all things turning toward life…

 

see… the most important question in order to see into and behind, to weigh the value of all that lives: Where is the soul?

And the soul is in “the woods”…

We, my companions and i sat there on the damp grass…under a grey cloud…we were overwhelmed by the magic of stories for healing and educating or for entertainment…

We talked and laughed and welcomed a few rain drops…

And, I don’t remember when was the last time when words hit my heart and soul so hard that i feel i breathe them…i breathe them and i taste them and they clear my sight and my heart and my spirit.

As now i know where my power to sustain or overcome has driven…from where do i get the guts to try, agree, rebel, claim and refuse…I’ve always though it was from the gift of passion i have…or my ability to renew faiths and take myself a step ahead always…and I’ve always thought i was bold and wild because i had less valuables to care for…sometimes i felt it was because i am less…but fact is…it is because i am in touch with the soul…my soul…other souls…I am highly connected to the soul…and maybe my unconscious search for the soul in everything is giving me clarity to see the goodness among the most turbid souls…and maybe now that i am sure of what i desire to seek it will give me more clarity to see the evil and the good and to really go after the soul more.

If i said i am overwhelmed by this story and the use of words in it i would be understating it.

I find much beauty and depth in sentences like “She saw suffering in the stiff-lipped and courted their laughter”

I want to be that girl…

I want to be that girl…

 

Burried rage under a thousand sun

The anger is like a thread

A three-week old fetus

A tip of a broken bed

A pre mature tear…that won’t fall but instead,

It’d  freeze upon my command

It’d not fall on my hand

Nor my scarf

nor wet my hair

As i lay rolling on cold sheets

Trying hard to understand

The whys..the whats…the cheats

How you are made of lead

when was the truths lost

and where will the lies go

and what are the scars you must

leave bleeding on my soul

And who has cut your hands

and put those knives instead

and how do devils understand

your language and what goes in your head

The questions steal my nights

The answers steal my days

The waiting for your eyes

to meet all my rage

The rage i locked up deep

inside dead souls and hearts

inside dead soils and stars

inside the thousand sun

to melt the love away

and melt the tears away

and melt the flesh so that

the scars would go away

to erase all the existence

to demand with my persistence

that lords of light would judge

and lords of fire would judge

that no forgiveness

and nothing put pain

and nothing but shame

and nothing but blame

would know my heart…if i ever feel for you again!!

iHappy

The only goal that would unify the powers and energies of man kind is definitely Being happy.

I can’t think of any other goal we could all agree on.

I can’t think of any other reason behind actions…anyother reason behind making a passionate effort.

But sometimes people misinterpret some feelings and mix it for happiness…like joy, success, pleasure and winning.

Each one of those feelings is great on its own and is even greater if accompanied by another of the sort…but, this is not happiness…just an aspect of it…but not it.

Happiness is accepting what we have while being problem free and while having peace of mind and while trying to attain one or all of the previous; joy, pleasure, winning, success…etc.

proof: i can win the lottery and not be happy cause i have no one to share it with or no health to enjoy it or maybe phobic and always afraid of losing it.

I can have the love of my life to enjoy, while being envious with a lousy career and a drug problem that messes up my life.

Or ….many many examples.

Happiness is about purity and fulfilment and peace…happiness is a collective feelings about many blesses.

And happiness could never be about something bad…I really believe so…because happiness is as faith…it is a universal rule Allah put…no thief could be happy, no killer and never an evil soul.

The more pure we can be the more likely we are to be happy.

and, We can never be happy about something wrong…it has another definition but it is not happiness.

a lot of money earned by any devilish act may make someone feel good they have it…but it is never happiness.

adultery maybe full of sinful pleasure…but it is never fulfilling…it never brings happiness.

unfair winning may get someone benifits…but never rewarding.

And gloating because someone is in hard times while it seems you are doing great…is never the right situation to feel good…as know what, harm might be an up hill for someone in order to rise, while joy and good things coming in the way of a bad person might be the very pit that awaits his burial.

Happiness is a bliss…Happiness is to be worked for…Happiness is for the pure, the good and the worthy.

And life can be cruel, people can be brutal and hurtful and time can be tough…but Allah is ALWAYS fair…always fair!

Facebook Trash!!!

I am fed up with the amount of dirt, the amount of moral contamination and the amount of dumb contradictions in life, that i really wish i could set fire in every nasty person i encounter.

But facebook, collected everything in life and symbolizes how deteriorated humans have become, especially in this country, right in front of our eyes.

Best thing about my page, although i deactivate it most of the time, is that there’s no one there but friends that i have known quite well.

and i have like 40 people all together…and i don’t accept random adds.

Wanna know what intrigued this angry post??

Well, take a look: i received an add request from some guy i don’t know…i opened his page to re-check if i knew him and i found this page and i left him a comment and of course declined the add:

The guy posts about and uses a full covered face veiled woman as his profile image.

The guy posts about no TV in ramadan, no smoking and about veil and women’s proper clothing from him -MESSED UP- point of view.

That pic. i have taken doesn’t show about 15 other women in underwear and/or sleeping on a bed half-naked.

I am fed up men “nagaset” eldemagh de…

If he was ordinary, without the veil picture, without the preaching i wouldn’t have gone mad…i am no nun nor a saint…i mess up like all people…but,

I freakin’ stopped preaching a long time ago honestly when i felt i wasn’t up to that standard.

What the hell is wrong with people?!

I write a story on my other blog about sex and how it affects men and women…i write about women being messed up by men and still chapters ahead i will write about men and how do they perceive the whole sexy mama’s things…as i know that sex occupies 70% if not even more from the male mind…and probably the female as well…

I know for a fact that polluted minds, diminished morals and sick  souls take sex, that god creation for man kind to produce…well..and have fun…they take it and wreck houses, hurt people, and act like pigs.

I wrote about that many times and i will keep on writing as i can’t just lock up every male pants or put barbwire around every female pair of legs…all i can do is write…scream…and tell people to love and have fun but with purity, dignity and decency.

How hard could that be!!!!