I’ll tell you…

How does cruelty form?

When you have no desire in someone…or satisfied your desire in someone and it’s over, your senses become numb towards them…you no longer breathe them…feel them…eagerly want them…seek their tiniest attention hungrily…so, your senses and hyper heart and urges to seek them gets muted!

It is then, when, they might have responded to you… felt you…gotten infatuated by you…

It is then, when, they feel pain and plea for your attention…and you’d be muted! numb! couldn’t care less! don’t give a damn about them!

They would lose sleep…they would feel pain all over them…they would feel saddend…they would lose their minds over you…and you’re not even aware.

They’d think you’re cruel…they’d regret feeling for you…they’d hate themselves they got that attached…they’d yearn for you…

and you’re muted…sensless…you’re cruel!

And broken hearts mend with much time and much healing.

And the table turns…the broken heart toughens…and seeks and gets numb and muted and hurts another.

Always happens…will always happen…and the pain we inflict will be inflicted upon us.

this is called love…this is what frightens me the most…this is what i refuse to embrace…

I refuse to get  hurt by an eager heart who will change his mind and go numb on me.

I refuse to hurt someone’s heart  and mute over them.

Hearts flip like a coin…Hearts pulse with life…and stop to their deaths…

Cruelty forms in the heart…side by side with love…

And no one appreciates the precious vibrant heart…no one!

Flashlights in my eyes

Thursday 30th June

Live music…Piano…caressing, pressing on, pounding and dancing on the keys with his brilliant fingers…the piano was black and grand…and the music revived my soul…took me away from life and up to the skies…I breathe…I, then, breathe…then suddenly and by an odd chance  I was exposed!!

I knew it was time…

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Morning: Surrounded by many colleagues…watching a scene from a movie as part of the studying process: and there it was…music…a guitar that screamed on the sidewalk…a talent disclosed…and she joined him on the piano…he was humming the tunes…she was playing them…he was guiding her through the notes…and she was following his melody…and i had him in my head sitting their…on the black grand piano…humming tunes and guiding me into playing them…then we sing together…and he’d smile i get the tunes…and he’d smile when I harmonize…

a girl from the group looked at me…smiled…and said: does it remind you of something?

And I couldn’t hide the sting that evoked many soundless tears to flood from my eyes…quietly i left my seat to head to the bathroom…no one noticed me but my best friend…the bathroom was busy so i stood at the end of the hall…facing a tiny window overlooking the empty street and a dull tree…and i breathed him out…with many tears…hearing the couple from the movie still playing and still singing and hearing my heart still weeping but i choked on the sounds…my tears are silent…soundless crying…and i cried…cried…and cried…till the tears stopped on their own…I managed to wash my face…and faned it with my hands dry…and went back to my seat hoping my eyes are tearless…my pain over missing him at that very moment inserted a sharp pin in my heart…and it wouldn’t go away…

 

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Afternoon: A boat in the nile…amazing breeze…kids that look older at that very moment…many years have passed…and i worry…I worry about them…

the boat turns…the smoke from my cigaret blows towards them…so i stop smoking…and i wish i could smoke…my mind was worrying over my kids…my heart was missing a beat…a certain beat i only know of…again…should i be grateful i had a long time-out from that beat? should i be grateful i have it now?

The Serenity of the emptiness was good while it lasted…

Here i am…slightly slightly aching again…living again…here…i…am…

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Noon: the circle felt complete…I felt the belonging…the secure belonging…despite being conscious and putting myself out there in front of them…i know i have the guts many people don’t have…so i might as well enjoy it…act upon it…and trust them…

I trust them…I trust it…it…that ties me to that grass and to that breeze that blew through my hair…to that sky…to it…that spirit…

I feel WHOLE there…and M’s eyes always hug me…always…always…all i have to do is look at her…when i’m confused…in pain…scared…uncomfortable…M’s look hugs me…and i…I AM…I AM there…on that spot on that day at that time holding that book…I BE.

Noon: I know what I’m good at…I know what i want…will pursue it wholeheartedly! 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Night: The market was so so crowded i could barely hear myself thinking: why the heck have i come here to shop on a SATURDAY?!

Mom was smiling…we were walking inside and each had a kid in her hand…a kid who wanted to pull his/her hand away and walk freely…but we wouldn’t let them…too crowded…too damn crowded and we have nothing but those kids…we love…LOVE LOVE those kids and we LIVE for those kids…we wouldn’t let go…

I looked at her and said:

– “I need a break”

– “aren’t you having one already -ya nasaba”, and she laughed.

– “Not really…attempts only…i need to set my self free…”

– “entaleqy ya bent elmontaleqa “, she laughed again and nodded that she understands…then she made something with her hand -while still smiling- like flipping a burger on a grill.

– “No…Idon’t believe that would happen to me…other things may cause that…I harm no one…I am a good person”

– “yes you are”

we didn’t talk again…but as we reached home she gave me that piercing look that contained: take care of yourself…i’m scared over you…and i understand, all at the same time.

I looked away…didn’t say a word…end of story!

 

 

 

 

Sunday 3rd July

Very early in the morning: No need to be smart to get it! it’s obvious!

Still naive? Is it a bad thing after all?

Well…I feel every emotion and speak every word SO sincerely…and that is so rich and so valuable…no one and nothing would ever rob that away from me.

Rational I gotta be…and mature as I know I can.

Watermark: Breathless…restless…focused…trembling…strong…emotional…sincere…defensive and slightly slightly in pain…some say I’m vulnerable these days…well…I am a tough gal…so, all combined,,,,I’ll be ok.

 

Lane

Will you always turn your back?

leave on a bleeding track…

Will you always walk away?

pump into the walls of the lane

fit in as it closes on you again…

hide the tears that fall and sway

from side to side afraid to say

How hurt you are…what they did…

Will their noise forever be your tone

Will the lights dim the black and crack the bone

should your eyes burn with their sting

Will it drive you insane and turn you to stone

You smile You smile You smile

Support him and stand for a while

and they would shoot

and your heart… your root

will always long away and away

and your tears will fall yet sway and sway

see,  your lane is longer than long

and the walk is anything but strong

and the shake in your hands will point who’s to blame

and the break in your voice will scream his name

and the sight of the tiles stretching afar

and the ache in your heart will deepen the scar

and life will all be the lane

as you walk wishing it ends

and it will end

but the lane will carve your name…

*Inspired by Alicia…

A message from an anonymous!

An offline messages from someone…it made me shiver as it had only this do3aa2…the one do3aa2 that always made my tears fall.

On that particular day, profit Mohamed (pbuh) was insulted and attacked by people of quraysh who were fighting his call for Islam…he walked away hurt and when he was totally alone in the desert he said this do3aa2…he addressed Allah the almighty saying:

( اللهم إليك أشكو ضعف قوتي وقلة حيلتي وهواني على الناس ، أرحم الراحمين أنت ؛ ارحمني ، إلى من تكلني ؟ إلى عدو يتجهمني ، أم إلى قريب ملكته أمري ؟ إن لم تكن غضبانا علي فلا أبالي ، غير أن عافيتك هي أوسع لي ، أعوذ بنور وجهك الذي أشرقت له الظلمات وصلح عليه أمر الدنيا والآخرة أن تنزل بي غضبك أو تحل علي سخطك ، لك العتبى حتى ترضى ولا حول ولا قوة إلا بك)

I fail to translate such powerful touching words…

I will just say: Ameen!

Burried rage under a thousand sun

The anger is like a thread

A three-week old fetus

A tip of a broken bed

A pre mature tear…that won’t fall but instead,

It’d  freeze upon my command

It’d not fall on my hand

Nor my scarf

nor wet my hair

As i lay rolling on cold sheets

Trying hard to understand

The whys..the whats…the cheats

How you are made of lead

when was the truths lost

and where will the lies go

and what are the scars you must

leave bleeding on my soul

And who has cut your hands

and put those knives instead

and how do devils understand

your language and what goes in your head

The questions steal my nights

The answers steal my days

The waiting for your eyes

to meet all my rage

The rage i locked up deep

inside dead souls and hearts

inside dead soils and stars

inside the thousand sun

to melt the love away

and melt the tears away

and melt the flesh so that

the scars would go away

to erase all the existence

to demand with my persistence

that lords of light would judge

and lords of fire would judge

that no forgiveness

and nothing put pain

and nothing but shame

and nothing but blame

would know my heart…if i ever feel for you again!!

King of the world

Life has three dimensions:

– Allah and the greater picture he controls or allows others to choose paths in,

– Ourselves and how we cope and interact with others in our lives,

– Others and what they do to us.

And no body is smart enough or strong enough to have the upper hand in every dimension…Only Allah has that ability because he created it all.

We, merely try to survive…we merely try to out smart the plots, heal the wounds and climb a hill or two and call it “life achievements”.

As passive or helpless as it sounds, i believe in the great strength that lies beneath the mere life trials we commit to and change as we grow.

It takes a lot of energy and a lot of time, sweat and heartache, dedication and faith to merely survive life with all what Allah grants/ tests us with, with all our history and our tendencies, and with all what people brings to us.

I can’t Imagine what it would be like if Allah had given us the opportunity to more control over life…It would be frightning…Life would not have gotten so far as humans would have ruined it…

Having an unknown dimension to life pulls the break on arrogant human behavior and people tend to tone down the harm they can and would inflict on others just because they have a careful feeling about what life can do to them next…see, karma or whatever we call it tends to hunt us back for what we do, not to mention what would happen in the after life (only it counts if you believe in god).

Looking at the other two dimensions…well, our relationship with ourselves is the only thing we have control onto…how others treat us and how others are is never guaranteed…one minute they are your friends, the next minute they put a knife in your back…

But selves are as MAD as it could be…selves need rules, selves need faith, selves need a clear path, a decisive brain to plan how they would lead the road…selves are..well, messy…all we, or to be more precise, all I could do is trying to tame it, try to stick to the plan although the bigger picture and people try all the times to mess it up and push me off the road…and I do,

I try, with all my power i try, I rewrite my book and edit it all the time whenever my mistakes teach me a lesson or i get hurt by people’s cruelty or when i discover how my math was messed up…I rewrite and amend and try again to stick to the plan in hopes of achieving the goal…and my goal is to live life as good and peaceful and pure as i could possibly can, and to die with minimum package hoping for the mercy of god.

I promise myself to never live arrogantly as if I’m “king of the world”…as i know that on earth, all kings are fake…all kings are fake!!

Being a Hero…

“Being a hero has its price”, she said.

It takes a lot to be heroic at one point…and it takes a lot more to be a hero at all time.

Can anyone be a hero at all time?!

Well, some have the ability to stand up against hardships while taking extraordinary measures…some are braver than most people…some are more strong and more determined.

Those get to be heroes in their own ways…heroes to themselves or to others.

But do they tire?

Is it normal for a hero to give up on some stand he has devotedly and wholeheartedly taken for a long time?

Does it mean he wasn’t really a hero?

Does it make him a coward?

Or is it just that heroes do get affected and do get tired??

Or maybe being a hero for so long or a hero in a major situation may have a price…something that shuts down in him…something that gets messed up…something that gets him hurt so bad that the hero would turn into a fetus who wants to hide in a secure warm womb…giving up all the strength, the determination and the bravery he once had…

Maybe heroes aren’t supposed to be heroes forever…

Maybe putting themselves out their at risk and going an extra few thousands of miles has its toll on them.

After all they are not fire fighters doing a heroic job…the battle may not be against a life threatening situation…no…a hero may get to be extraordinary in living life, examining its dimensions, in standing up for justice or freedom or beauty, practicing passions, helping others, implementing new ideals or reviving old ones, having a cause and devoting his life for it.

The battle of life and facing all the cruelty and stupidity and pain that people inflict upon each other need heroes…need heroic souls…heroic hearts…

But heroes are humans…humans who need to eat and work and raise their kids…and they get affected by each heroic action…heroism signifies their qualities and enriches their souls but scars deep down where no body sees…

Heroes may need a retreat when they get hurt, as heroism has its price…or so she said.

Down and raw…lets deal!

I never knew that i had the ability to shield myself, suppress my fear and set aside my worries for months and months.

I talked about my issues… but i never allowed them to hurt me…I never allowed myself to be vulnerable or to panic…I had a shield of steel  that preserved my emotions…I never realized i had that in me.

Till last night…When the shield was broken by a sharp sting of hurt and the tears started to flood and i couldn’t stop it…not untill i fell asleep crying.

It hurts to be faced by that tremendous amount of fear all at once…and it hurt to cry…i really ached…my heart, my chest and my head…they all ached.

I woke up 5 hours later with an incredible need to continue the crying…to let out the tears that were buried for months…and the need to pray.

It finally hit me…Admitting to fear hurts…bad…but, I am now feeling truly like a faithful in need of the Almighty’s kindness.

And now that it is all nude, exposed, down and raw in front of my eyes.

All the fear and the insecurities are laying there naked infront of me.

I will deal…i won’t drift away from it…

In movies, the story always ends.

To say…the truth or the lies

Or to stay silent.

To do…Good or harm

Or tie your hands

Those are the ordinary??

but what if all he could say is scream and all he could do is take revenge by his bare hands…beat…harm…stab…cut into the flesh…kill?!!

That is what people call it: the extreme.

What if that is all he could think of?

That would make him a monster??

What if some people inflict massive harm to many people and they deserve the revenge?? what if they’re evil devils walking on earth??

What if those people he wants to cut through their flesh killed his kids…beat him up…rapped his wife…stole his life and dignity…or did anything that justifies his revenge??

Would that make him any less of a monster??

Well…Don’t we love movies…where justice with no consequences can be applied…and satisfying endings can actually draw an ending to a story.

Problem with real life drama is that, the story never ends!