I’ll tell you…

How does cruelty form?

When you have no desire in someone…or satisfied your desire in someone and it’s over, your senses become numb towards them…you no longer breathe them…feel them…eagerly want them…seek their tiniest attention hungrily…so, your senses and hyper heart and urges to seek them gets muted!

It is then, when, they might have responded to you… felt you…gotten infatuated by you…

It is then, when, they feel pain and plea for your attention…and you’d be muted! numb! couldn’t care less! don’t give a damn about them!

They would lose sleep…they would feel pain all over them…they would feel saddend…they would lose their minds over you…and you’re not even aware.

They’d think you’re cruel…they’d regret feeling for you…they’d hate themselves they got that attached…they’d yearn for you…

and you’re muted…sensless…you’re cruel!

And broken hearts mend with much time and much healing.

And the table turns…the broken heart toughens…and seeks and gets numb and muted and hurts another.

Always happens…will always happen…and the pain we inflict will be inflicted upon us.

this is called love…this is what frightens me the most…this is what i refuse to embrace…

I refuse to get  hurt by an eager heart who will change his mind and go numb on me.

I refuse to hurt someone’s heart  and mute over them.

Hearts flip like a coin…Hearts pulse with life…and stop to their deaths…

Cruelty forms in the heart…side by side with love…

And no one appreciates the precious vibrant heart…no one!

Flashlights in my eyes

Thursday 30th June

Live music…Piano…caressing, pressing on, pounding and dancing on the keys with his brilliant fingers…the piano was black and grand…and the music revived my soul…took me away from life and up to the skies…I breathe…I, then, breathe…then suddenly and by an odd chance  I was exposed!!

I knew it was time…

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Morning: Surrounded by many colleagues…watching a scene from a movie as part of the studying process: and there it was…music…a guitar that screamed on the sidewalk…a talent disclosed…and she joined him on the piano…he was humming the tunes…she was playing them…he was guiding her through the notes…and she was following his melody…and i had him in my head sitting their…on the black grand piano…humming tunes and guiding me into playing them…then we sing together…and he’d smile i get the tunes…and he’d smile when I harmonize…

a girl from the group looked at me…smiled…and said: does it remind you of something?

And I couldn’t hide the sting that evoked many soundless tears to flood from my eyes…quietly i left my seat to head to the bathroom…no one noticed me but my best friend…the bathroom was busy so i stood at the end of the hall…facing a tiny window overlooking the empty street and a dull tree…and i breathed him out…with many tears…hearing the couple from the movie still playing and still singing and hearing my heart still weeping but i choked on the sounds…my tears are silent…soundless crying…and i cried…cried…and cried…till the tears stopped on their own…I managed to wash my face…and faned it with my hands dry…and went back to my seat hoping my eyes are tearless…my pain over missing him at that very moment inserted a sharp pin in my heart…and it wouldn’t go away…

 

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Afternoon: A boat in the nile…amazing breeze…kids that look older at that very moment…many years have passed…and i worry…I worry about them…

the boat turns…the smoke from my cigaret blows towards them…so i stop smoking…and i wish i could smoke…my mind was worrying over my kids…my heart was missing a beat…a certain beat i only know of…again…should i be grateful i had a long time-out from that beat? should i be grateful i have it now?

The Serenity of the emptiness was good while it lasted…

Here i am…slightly slightly aching again…living again…here…i…am…

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Noon: the circle felt complete…I felt the belonging…the secure belonging…despite being conscious and putting myself out there in front of them…i know i have the guts many people don’t have…so i might as well enjoy it…act upon it…and trust them…

I trust them…I trust it…it…that ties me to that grass and to that breeze that blew through my hair…to that sky…to it…that spirit…

I feel WHOLE there…and M’s eyes always hug me…always…always…all i have to do is look at her…when i’m confused…in pain…scared…uncomfortable…M’s look hugs me…and i…I AM…I AM there…on that spot on that day at that time holding that book…I BE.

Noon: I know what I’m good at…I know what i want…will pursue it wholeheartedly! 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Night: The market was so so crowded i could barely hear myself thinking: why the heck have i come here to shop on a SATURDAY?!

Mom was smiling…we were walking inside and each had a kid in her hand…a kid who wanted to pull his/her hand away and walk freely…but we wouldn’t let them…too crowded…too damn crowded and we have nothing but those kids…we love…LOVE LOVE those kids and we LIVE for those kids…we wouldn’t let go…

I looked at her and said:

– “I need a break”

– “aren’t you having one already -ya nasaba”, and she laughed.

– “Not really…attempts only…i need to set my self free…”

– “entaleqy ya bent elmontaleqa “, she laughed again and nodded that she understands…then she made something with her hand -while still smiling- like flipping a burger on a grill.

– “No…Idon’t believe that would happen to me…other things may cause that…I harm no one…I am a good person”

– “yes you are”

we didn’t talk again…but as we reached home she gave me that piercing look that contained: take care of yourself…i’m scared over you…and i understand, all at the same time.

I looked away…didn’t say a word…end of story!

 

 

 

 

Sunday 3rd July

Very early in the morning: No need to be smart to get it! it’s obvious!

Still naive? Is it a bad thing after all?

Well…I feel every emotion and speak every word SO sincerely…and that is so rich and so valuable…no one and nothing would ever rob that away from me.

Rational I gotta be…and mature as I know I can.

Watermark: Breathless…restless…focused…trembling…strong…emotional…sincere…defensive and slightly slightly in pain…some say I’m vulnerable these days…well…I am a tough gal…so, all combined,,,,I’ll be ok.

 

I’m mad at People!

This is a rant.

No, a burst.

Or whatever…

I am mad at people…some people i allowed to get close to me…and general people’s behavior. I am mad because frankly -with total sincere modesty- I am an added value to everyone i called “a loved one”.

I am fed up with people using my love and abusing it for their own humorous sadistic tendencies…I would care and love someone but that wouldn’t make me their door matt or call girl.

I am angry at their random meanness…their casual talteesh and cruel remarks…when I need support I should get it naturally from people who claim to love me, not get the mocking and the neglect of my needs.

I am provoked by their arrogant smile that speculates that they know of me more than what i am stating.

I am annoyed by the fact that they neglect what they already know about me, being an open straight forward person and treat me as if I’m hiding something while i’m really not hiding anything simply because I am not a coward…I face and fight if i have to.

I am irritated by their totally unnecessary tanaka…and it is unnecessary because I never batanek 3ala 7ad simply because i am too confident and too nice to abuse anyone to feel superior…and most importantly i wouldn’t do that to people I love.

I am furious at everybody who’d see me and notice signs that i am being tired, busy, sick, sleepless or burdened by life matters and automatically assume i have problems with my husband…well, I almost never lie and never act…and they being close would know if i have any problem in my marriage and facts are: 1) I am a responsible human being with many obligations at hand and life can be stressful and loaded at time. 2) My relationship with my husband has been doing great for a long time…so, bite it!!

I have had enough from being used to feed someone else’s gossip diet…Private people’s life is PRIVATE…not a TV show we can discuss with total strangers.

I am disappointed at people’s ability to hide and act as if they have no idea something has happened while they are being dumb liars.

I will not accept anyone attempting to take advantage of me, to stick around with an ultimatum or step all over me mistaking my kindness for weakness.

Whoever is willing to love me and treat me with utter respect just as I am is more than welcomed to be part of my heart and life…whoever refuses to recognize how proper and respectful and supportive relationships should be could really fuck off!!!

Good news is: Now that i am done with venting about people’s crap I’ve been facing…I can focus on my own with a clear vision and an honest spirit.

 

Confused reflection in the mirror

I know it’s hard, not to know..

What wraps and ties a little tight bow

around the heart…the sea of having nothing to know

I know I may deserve to know

I know i should neglect to know

I know i must fight to know

and  i don’t know

What i want…what i need…

The lie…the cheat…

The truth and its heat

the damp wild defeat

I once hated knowing…and i now hate not knowing

What’s wrong with me

Why does it happen and why do i hurt

Sometimes i wish i was less

and sometimes i cherish being more

all the time i feel i should aim

and always hate being the score…their score

If people are toys…and life is a game

I break the rules and refuse to be blamed

I refuse to escape…I refuse to be lame

I connect with a wild abandoned child that always proclaim,

A right to survive

and be all alive

and be shiny like stars

Brilliant like the smartest living guy

and be the destination and the healing of scars

I don’t know how does it go…

How is it spelled

the right tune to be hummed

I’m maybe overwhelmed

Confused and blurry,

are my sight and frame

vague are my colors

And i’m being with no name

I don’t know what i need to know

And it burns and inflames

My sanity…my passions

and most of my veins.

I’m barrel

Bodies…those containers

Filled with wine

Those fine glasses

Sparkle and shine

Those slim crystals

filled with vinegar

Those of ruby and gold

Filled with poison

You stupid man…

I may be barrel

Filled with honey and milk

Wrapped with ribbon and silk

you’re right I’m a barrel…so,

You’ll never know…

the gift i held for you