A full perfect life

Someone once told me that i deserve a full perfect life.

Someone pictured that life to be…having my kids happy and having a husband who would love us all…who would cook dinner with me…laugh with me…take me in his arms and watch TV at night…a loving man who’d take care of me and who would be there for me always.

Someone…didn’t know that this picture perfect has to have one element…and that is true deep genuine love.

Someone…didn’t know that the man i would love would never give me that perfect picture.

Someone didn’t know…just didn’t know…that pictures aren’t supposed to be perfect…that love is not a picture…that “perfect” might not exist…

Someone didn’t know…that i want nothing at all…

Someone didn’t know that my hope is in my kids -now- having the very good life they deserve.

Till then…I’m perfectly fine watching TV with my kids…cooking for my kids…laughing with my kids…and being the father they deserve.

And the love of a man that would i melt in his arms and  who would cherish me in his heart…is like natural blond hair…i simply won’t have.

 

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Love

why is it so hard for me to believe it…

that your heartbeats really breathe for me,

that you are a single cloud sheltering me,

that you rain just to nurture me,

that you’re insane for my passion,

that you see me…really me…

that the value of my heart is safe in your core…

that my sight and sensation bring life to you…

that you long for the mere existence of me…

that you worship through me…

that you are torn just to give into me…

that u see roses in my balms and smell the magic of the seas on my neck…

that you wake to the shine in my eyes and rest asleep on the silver beams on my chest…

that you rise onto my high waves…like a floating star…

and hang down deep with me…in the flames of love…

that you linger when i’m in your arms to linger when i’m so far…

that you’re stronger in my eyes and stronger when you weaken in me…above…

that you know what hope is…as you hope for my next sigh…

that you taste luscious sparks when you taste my traces…

that you desire heaven because heaven grants you I…

that you strive to feed me pleasure exerted from my pleasure…

that you ache to parent a tiny form of me…as you love me dearly…and endlessly forever…

that you might turn soft tunes to thunder to protect me from harm…

defend my heart with echos louder than any storm…

that i am the salvation…the manifestation of soul…

that you dream and ache to skin my back…

that you wanna live me…and die in me…

I find it hard to believe, yet doubts fail to keep me away…because i can’t believe you are capable of loving me the way i love you more and more each day…

How to see a rose?!

How can anyone see a rose but beautiful?

How can anyone ignore the scent…the rich red passion that lays in every petal?

How could anyone neglect the effort exerted in picking them and paying for themand presenting them?

How could anyone feel anything but admiration towards the gesture?

A sceptical person…a doubting soul…an eager self to label everything as fake because they can’t handle the immensity of the action…

Maybe…

But…Receiving roses is sweet…is tender…is touching…is refreshing…is thoughtful…is lovely…no matter what…roses have that effect…and a person who goes through the trouble should be appreciated.

Roses…many red luscious roses tied together in a tight voluptuous bouquet and surrounded by broad green leaves…tall stemd roses…scented red roses…beautiful roses that you’d want to hold forever and not let go…that you’d want to look at forever…breathe in and fill your lungs with their scent…

Wonderful red roses…

I’ll tell you…

How does cruelty form?

When you have no desire in someone…or satisfied your desire in someone and it’s over, your senses become numb towards them…you no longer breathe them…feel them…eagerly want them…seek their tiniest attention hungrily…so, your senses and hyper heart and urges to seek them gets muted!

It is then, when, they might have responded to you… felt you…gotten infatuated by you…

It is then, when, they feel pain and plea for your attention…and you’d be muted! numb! couldn’t care less! don’t give a damn about them!

They would lose sleep…they would feel pain all over them…they would feel saddend…they would lose their minds over you…and you’re not even aware.

They’d think you’re cruel…they’d regret feeling for you…they’d hate themselves they got that attached…they’d yearn for you…

and you’re muted…sensless…you’re cruel!

And broken hearts mend with much time and much healing.

And the table turns…the broken heart toughens…and seeks and gets numb and muted and hurts another.

Always happens…will always happen…and the pain we inflict will be inflicted upon us.

this is called love…this is what frightens me the most…this is what i refuse to embrace…

I refuse to get  hurt by an eager heart who will change his mind and go numb on me.

I refuse to hurt someone’s heart  and mute over them.

Hearts flip like a coin…Hearts pulse with life…and stop to their deaths…

Cruelty forms in the heart…side by side with love…

And no one appreciates the precious vibrant heart…no one!

Flashlights in my eyes

Thursday 30th June

Live music…Piano…caressing, pressing on, pounding and dancing on the keys with his brilliant fingers…the piano was black and grand…and the music revived my soul…took me away from life and up to the skies…I breathe…I, then, breathe…then suddenly and by an odd chance  I was exposed!!

I knew it was time…

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Morning: Surrounded by many colleagues…watching a scene from a movie as part of the studying process: and there it was…music…a guitar that screamed on the sidewalk…a talent disclosed…and she joined him on the piano…he was humming the tunes…she was playing them…he was guiding her through the notes…and she was following his melody…and i had him in my head sitting their…on the black grand piano…humming tunes and guiding me into playing them…then we sing together…and he’d smile i get the tunes…and he’d smile when I harmonize…

a girl from the group looked at me…smiled…and said: does it remind you of something?

And I couldn’t hide the sting that evoked many soundless tears to flood from my eyes…quietly i left my seat to head to the bathroom…no one noticed me but my best friend…the bathroom was busy so i stood at the end of the hall…facing a tiny window overlooking the empty street and a dull tree…and i breathed him out…with many tears…hearing the couple from the movie still playing and still singing and hearing my heart still weeping but i choked on the sounds…my tears are silent…soundless crying…and i cried…cried…and cried…till the tears stopped on their own…I managed to wash my face…and faned it with my hands dry…and went back to my seat hoping my eyes are tearless…my pain over missing him at that very moment inserted a sharp pin in my heart…and it wouldn’t go away…

 

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Afternoon: A boat in the nile…amazing breeze…kids that look older at that very moment…many years have passed…and i worry…I worry about them…

the boat turns…the smoke from my cigaret blows towards them…so i stop smoking…and i wish i could smoke…my mind was worrying over my kids…my heart was missing a beat…a certain beat i only know of…again…should i be grateful i had a long time-out from that beat? should i be grateful i have it now?

The Serenity of the emptiness was good while it lasted…

Here i am…slightly slightly aching again…living again…here…i…am…

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Noon: the circle felt complete…I felt the belonging…the secure belonging…despite being conscious and putting myself out there in front of them…i know i have the guts many people don’t have…so i might as well enjoy it…act upon it…and trust them…

I trust them…I trust it…it…that ties me to that grass and to that breeze that blew through my hair…to that sky…to it…that spirit…

I feel WHOLE there…and M’s eyes always hug me…always…always…all i have to do is look at her…when i’m confused…in pain…scared…uncomfortable…M’s look hugs me…and i…I AM…I AM there…on that spot on that day at that time holding that book…I BE.

Noon: I know what I’m good at…I know what i want…will pursue it wholeheartedly! 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Night: The market was so so crowded i could barely hear myself thinking: why the heck have i come here to shop on a SATURDAY?!

Mom was smiling…we were walking inside and each had a kid in her hand…a kid who wanted to pull his/her hand away and walk freely…but we wouldn’t let them…too crowded…too damn crowded and we have nothing but those kids…we love…LOVE LOVE those kids and we LIVE for those kids…we wouldn’t let go…

I looked at her and said:

– “I need a break”

– “aren’t you having one already -ya nasaba”, and she laughed.

– “Not really…attempts only…i need to set my self free…”

– “entaleqy ya bent elmontaleqa “, she laughed again and nodded that she understands…then she made something with her hand -while still smiling- like flipping a burger on a grill.

– “No…Idon’t believe that would happen to me…other things may cause that…I harm no one…I am a good person”

– “yes you are”

we didn’t talk again…but as we reached home she gave me that piercing look that contained: take care of yourself…i’m scared over you…and i understand, all at the same time.

I looked away…didn’t say a word…end of story!

 

 

 

 

Sunday 3rd July

Very early in the morning: No need to be smart to get it! it’s obvious!

Still naive? Is it a bad thing after all?

Well…I feel every emotion and speak every word SO sincerely…and that is so rich and so valuable…no one and nothing would ever rob that away from me.

Rational I gotta be…and mature as I know I can.

Watermark: Breathless…restless…focused…trembling…strong…emotional…sincere…defensive and slightly slightly in pain…some say I’m vulnerable these days…well…I am a tough gal…so, all combined,,,,I’ll be ok.

 

I and “Letting go”

At one afternoon…on the same grass that witnessed many of my evolutions, we sat…she, looking through me…listening to my inner thoughts…seeing the tense worries flood to wet her hands.

I…Was newly gathering meanings and emotions.

She…Was so present i could hear her soul.

And she looked at me that look…the “hugging” look…and told me: “Let go…to master matters of your heart…you need to let go”.

I understood…but felt i couldn’t wrap it around my finger.

Time passed by…a couple of months flew…and i came face to face with a choice…to shut a feeling away or let go…let them stream.

And i did…cautiously…and every time i get the urge to run and hide in my cave…I remind myself that down that road i am getting introduced to mastering the matters of my heart…

And i panic…and I hear random or supportive words….that pushes me a little further…and i allow myself to be pushed…to go one step further in that sea i am so afraid of…

I AM so affraid…because i almost believe…I am almost positive of the inevitable hurt…the endless regret…the ache…and I dread ache…I dread ache…I DREAD ACHE…

But i rationalize…sometimes, I get so mesmerized in the emotion that all those fears mute…vanish…and leave me in trance…with my soul and my heart reuniting…like that sunset by that shore on that day….in so much harmony and so much passion…

And i wake…because the rhyme was broken…the music stopping…the melody is out of tune…

And i feel like walking on  a cracked old wooden bridge…and i hold on to two tough ropes that swing with me so hard that my heart fells every single time i attempt to test the log and step on it…I sometimes freeze as i feel that log turning into scribbles flying in the air like confetti…and sometimes i hold on to the ropes so tight and risk only to find myself a little step ahead…

And…and i don’t know…

And not knowing always drives me crazy…

The scenarios…the possibility of the plots…

For i am not a game player…I’m not familiar with the rules…and actyually i don’t accept the concept.

One thought hold me together…One thought drives me ahead regardless of the suspecions…I am in the midst of mastering the matters of my heart…this is the process…this is the path and the only way to do it.

I am who i am…can’t change…i can only add new skills but could never be another person.

Life…Love…History…Ache…The laughter i know how to wholeheartedly exert or share or derive…I…I and letting go will be friends…It might be hard…but, i am bound to gain it…I will earn it!

groups or not!

A group…Apparently everything in life is bound to form groups.

Life is run by a group of people with mutual interests to make the biggest fortunes sucking people’s blood.

In politics, there are groups within a government…groups within a political party…and groups within ministries.

In businesses, there are groups within the company…groups within the departments…and freakin’ groups within the groups.

It is driving me crazy…I am not a group person…I may like someone in particular and do my best never let that show at work, like that girl who was my assistant in my old company…I LOVED her…she was so kind, so pure like babies and so good at work…she was amazing…I supported her fully while always trying to be fair and objective.

I am not a group person…I am a company person…some colleagues like me and some hate me and I go along just fine with both.

And when someone like me joins an online business/professional group it becomes a true challenge…especially if the group creator is a narcissist bitch…A group admin who never allows anyone to disagree or question the GREAT experienced creator…A group admin who’d reply to a counter opinion in bold red letters that it feels like a bull is running after you :S

I lose my mind easily when I’m annoyed by arrogance; that filthy human behavior that people confuse as pride or strength.

Socially b2a, I blend smoothly in groups but I don’t approach that…or let me say , I never attempted to approach that…I am a one to one person…I love to give from my heart and love to receive truthfully without the influence of a spectator.

Yet, going out with two or three friends is so much fun so I do it rarely but with the RIGHT company that will not ruin the good time for me.

How? Well, girls could relate to the following:

–          When you are having a great time with friends and you say something funny so they laugh then a specific girl would comment: why you laughing, that was a line from a movie.

–          When you are having dinner with friends, then accidentally go to the rest room to find two of your friends gossiping about you in there.

–          When you see the look, the meaningful mean look one of the girls gives the other to draw her attention to something you are wearing or something you just said.

–          When a girl can’t take a joke and tet2emes and ruins the whole outing by ranting so that everyone would spend the evening pampering her.

–          Or when some girl decides to be funny on your expense, so she would tehreeky tarya2a.

–          OR…elkebeera b2a, would teltosh bremark semaweya then when your face changes she would say: eh?? Bahazar…friends beyhazaro 3ady alla!!

Yeah…girls do that…not all of them but it is very likely for at least one incident of those mentioned above to happen within a group.

So, I am not a group person…I like individuals…and every other year I get the urge of knowing new friends…like these days…I have the urge and I am knowing new people of  a certain criteria while cherishing and treasuring my precious old friends.

Which leads me to another related point…I want…I NEED new female friends…most of my best friends are guys…so much easier to be friends with a guy…we get along instantly if he has three things: intelligence, sense of humor and respect.

But…I need the female bond…I have been a loaner for quite some time now and I was humble in my expectations so I didn’t allow myself to seek or even be there for friends to seek me.

so…my quest now is to open up and allow myself to enjoy new female friends.

I don’t know about groups yet…as except for the book club which i absolutely love and adore, i was never in a group…but…I am open for attractive suggestions and I promise my full devotion.

And to my surprise, men get it!

Sometimes it feels lonely in the ethical world.

Sometimes, I and many others i know feel lonely as we practice our beliefs because we feel better about ourselves while we do…yet some other people might see these beliefs as unrealistic, unnecessary or just weird.

We live anyway, feel proud anyway, brag about our ideals anyway.

Sometimes we fail our own beliefs but because we are already familiar with them we would always reach a point where we remorse and retreat back to a higher bar of values, that would make us feel good about ourselves again.

I, like many, when i embrace values that are not so common among the -modern society- i feel lonely sometimes…but the most refreshing thing happened to me the other day.

Let me take you back to the Summer of 1996…I was in my last college year (studied Law btw) and my Lebanese hunk of a cousin came to visit Egypt for 18 days…His mother is Egyptian so he had a nice humor and a special machoism added to his gorgeous appearance.

a few days later something just clicked and we had a super summer -totally innocent- crush ever!

He extended his visit to be one month then returned to Beirut.

We both discovered later on that a proposal was fought big time within the family…

I got married and each of us lead his different life…only a family call or email here or there kept us in touch every couple of years…but one day, about a year ago and while i was married, he decided to call me…he was emotional…I apologised politely as i felt against talking to someone i had any sort of history with while i’m married…time passed…I got my divorce and just the other day he knew from his mom so he called…we talked a nice welad khalah conversation and suddenly he said: I want to express my total respect for you…Because you were truly exceptional refusing to receive my emotional call although I AM YOUR COUSIN out of respect for your husband.

My smile was so big my cheeks hurt…MEN GET IT!! someone thinks my too much cautious is respectful…someone recognizes a value so alien today i am called mo3aqada because of.

Men respect the respectful…they read the gestures…they value the valuable.

Men, might seem OK and encouraging when we want to lose it with them and get involved in any habal…that’s because they react to an open invitation that instincly they can’t refuse and of course they’ll say and do anything to get it.

It was not a big thing…it was just a phone call…but the rule was clear in my head…the mere presence of a husband was a clear criteria for me.

Speaking of which…Women, as mo3aqadeen as i am get those 3o2ad from a very special place in their lives btw…I am speaking of mature independent women, we aren’t born with values and we have out grown the strict fatherly cocoon that keep us safe.

We have simply gotten ourselves burned/or watched closely a loved one doing it  at some point by false concepts and delusional modern dreamy sweet talk that attempted to rip the dignity and coat it with a short-term delicious sin…that burn is the base that we build a strong life path upon and a solid set of values on.

We all burn ourselves and we all allow others to hurt us at some point of our lives…but only the proud…the graceful…and the authentic know when to face the hurt and build a new vision with it.

In the phone call, I have wished my cousin the best in life…He wished me the same and we hung up as friends…no emotions were there, at least from my side…nothing but a sweet memory and a lovely recognition.

And it may feel alone in the -good world- but the time will come when something refreshing will happen and all the alienation will feel sooooooo worth it.

I killed the fairy..not the tale!

It is not that i hate fairies…I don’t…actually they look so cute in cartoons and fiction movies.

But i hear there’s a tooth fairy…and this is the one i unintentionally killed.

Most likely she died “kabadan” …”ma2hoora ya3ni“.

I had a little pain in my tooth…I neglected it…it got stronger…I took pain killers…The pain got stronger and stronger to the extent that my head and neck were totally struck my pain and stiff as a rock.

come on…ask me…why haven’t i gotten myself to a dentist? well…I have three valid reasons non of them is logical…so, the tooth fairy committed suicide as i gave her a hernia in her tiny wings and she thought: og god oh god…why did you create this tooth hater rasha? and jumped in the well of no return.

I had a full day with the dentist yesterday…bas ba3d fawat el2awan…ra7et el tooth fairy felwaba :S

Set my teeth aside b2a…I don’t hate but i don’t enjoy fairy tales, while i LOVE thinking i could create as beautiful stories in reality.

Till now…one or two stories were/are as beautiful…three other trials were horrific…but maybe the beauty of life lies in having hope to be or make something beautiful despite the obstacles.

Maybe the beauty is for being happy with whatever you choose to create in life not just accepting what life throws at you.

But when we choose…why settle for a half ass story…why not aim for the stars?

Sometimes we’ll have a blast and sometimes not but the optimum should always be the stars…or what ever is more beautiful beyond it.

I can’t live trapped in my little misfortunes or live misguided by how deformed i might view my capabilities.

Maybe that’s faith…I don’t know for sure but it certainly feels like it.