Flashlights in my eyes

Thursday 30th June

Live music…Piano…caressing, pressing on, pounding and dancing on the keys with his brilliant fingers…the piano was black and grand…and the music revived my soul…took me away from life and up to the skies…I breathe…I, then, breathe…then suddenly and by an odd chance  I was exposed!!

I knew it was time…

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Morning: Surrounded by many colleagues…watching a scene from a movie as part of the studying process: and there it was…music…a guitar that screamed on the sidewalk…a talent disclosed…and she joined him on the piano…he was humming the tunes…she was playing them…he was guiding her through the notes…and she was following his melody…and i had him in my head sitting their…on the black grand piano…humming tunes and guiding me into playing them…then we sing together…and he’d smile i get the tunes…and he’d smile when I harmonize…

a girl from the group looked at me…smiled…and said: does it remind you of something?

And I couldn’t hide the sting that evoked many soundless tears to flood from my eyes…quietly i left my seat to head to the bathroom…no one noticed me but my best friend…the bathroom was busy so i stood at the end of the hall…facing a tiny window overlooking the empty street and a dull tree…and i breathed him out…with many tears…hearing the couple from the movie still playing and still singing and hearing my heart still weeping but i choked on the sounds…my tears are silent…soundless crying…and i cried…cried…and cried…till the tears stopped on their own…I managed to wash my face…and faned it with my hands dry…and went back to my seat hoping my eyes are tearless…my pain over missing him at that very moment inserted a sharp pin in my heart…and it wouldn’t go away…

 

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Afternoon: A boat in the nile…amazing breeze…kids that look older at that very moment…many years have passed…and i worry…I worry about them…

the boat turns…the smoke from my cigaret blows towards them…so i stop smoking…and i wish i could smoke…my mind was worrying over my kids…my heart was missing a beat…a certain beat i only know of…again…should i be grateful i had a long time-out from that beat? should i be grateful i have it now?

The Serenity of the emptiness was good while it lasted…

Here i am…slightly slightly aching again…living again…here…i…am…

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Noon: the circle felt complete…I felt the belonging…the secure belonging…despite being conscious and putting myself out there in front of them…i know i have the guts many people don’t have…so i might as well enjoy it…act upon it…and trust them…

I trust them…I trust it…it…that ties me to that grass and to that breeze that blew through my hair…to that sky…to it…that spirit…

I feel WHOLE there…and M’s eyes always hug me…always…always…all i have to do is look at her…when i’m confused…in pain…scared…uncomfortable…M’s look hugs me…and i…I AM…I AM there…on that spot on that day at that time holding that book…I BE.

Noon: I know what I’m good at…I know what i want…will pursue it wholeheartedly! 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Night: The market was so so crowded i could barely hear myself thinking: why the heck have i come here to shop on a SATURDAY?!

Mom was smiling…we were walking inside and each had a kid in her hand…a kid who wanted to pull his/her hand away and walk freely…but we wouldn’t let them…too crowded…too damn crowded and we have nothing but those kids…we love…LOVE LOVE those kids and we LIVE for those kids…we wouldn’t let go…

I looked at her and said:

– “I need a break”

– “aren’t you having one already -ya nasaba”, and she laughed.

– “Not really…attempts only…i need to set my self free…”

– “entaleqy ya bent elmontaleqa “, she laughed again and nodded that she understands…then she made something with her hand -while still smiling- like flipping a burger on a grill.

– “No…Idon’t believe that would happen to me…other things may cause that…I harm no one…I am a good person”

– “yes you are”

we didn’t talk again…but as we reached home she gave me that piercing look that contained: take care of yourself…i’m scared over you…and i understand, all at the same time.

I looked away…didn’t say a word…end of story!

 

 

 

 

Sunday 3rd July

Very early in the morning: No need to be smart to get it! it’s obvious!

Still naive? Is it a bad thing after all?

Well…I feel every emotion and speak every word SO sincerely…and that is so rich and so valuable…no one and nothing would ever rob that away from me.

Rational I gotta be…and mature as I know I can.

Watermark: Breathless…restless…focused…trembling…strong…emotional…sincere…defensive and slightly slightly in pain…some say I’m vulnerable these days…well…I am a tough gal…so, all combined,,,,I’ll be ok.

 

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Dear Daddy,

Dear Daddy,

I miss you beyond expression.

I miss calling you every night…Sometimes I forget you are not here any more and I pick up the phone to call you.

Forgive me for being angry at you…I sometimes get angry only because I love you…and because I missed you…I missed you all my life…way before you died.

Now…I feel grateful for what you left me…You left me a passion for art and a legacy of your music.

Yesterday As i was driving to the book club i put on a CD where you sang with your voice in a rehearsal…It was so warm and so precious and so painful to hear your voice talking and singing.

Dear Daddy, four years have passed…they feel so much longer…a lot has happened in my life;

Things that you would have prevented me from doing…people you would have protected me from…Accomplishments you would have embraced me for…I did screw up at times, but daddy, I did mend…I am trying my best…I have pursued little triumphs that would have made you proud of me.

Today i signed with a publisher who’s interested in my writing…your name and mine will be on books dear daddy…proud?

Your grand children whom you adore are doing great alhamdulelah…Your music is alive…with my little limited resources i am doing my best to make it alive…I promised you a website that contains all your biography, i couldn’t do that but i created a facebook page that is quite as good…you don’t know what facebook is!

I never forget my voice…my music…I live them for you and for myself…Jumana sings beautifully too…and Hassan has an amazing ear for music…I am writing…I am loving…and I never stop remembering you.

sometimes when i have the urge to break the rules I think of you and walk straight…People always greeted you that you had good kids…respectful kids…They were always amazed that an “artist” had three decent kids…Well, my brother and sister are more than amazing daddy…

I do my best be that…I do my best not disappoint you…and not disappoint myself.

If you were alive, would you have forgiven my mistakes??

Some how…I know you would have…You were always understanding, friendly and open minded…you were very strict in a lovely way.

You gave me so little time as a dad but you carved so much in me when you could.

Sometimes I hate myself for resenting things related to you…Sometimes I think that I don’t forgive you…but, now i know for sure that i do…I love you so much and appreciate everything that formed my spirit and my mind.

May you rest in peace…May all the good and generosity you’ve done for all the people I knew of after you passed away would be rewarded.

I am who i am because of everything you were.

I love you…

Rasha

Last Thursday of exhausting March

Dear Blog,

March has cracked my bones…It has been confusing, exhausting and mind draining…and really tight with the bucks…

But Today is a brilliant day…It ends and takes March with it.

It takes all the waiting…All the confusion…All the back and forth annoying movement between offices, decisions and urges.

March ended and I’m happy that i can mark the end of a 120 days critical phase in my life.

Today, I settled in my work…made up my mind and settled…and I am happy with what Allah gave me…and i will build from there…not build anywhere else.

Today, although i was very worried about my sick mom, Her spirit lifts mine…she is a very courageous lady, don’t know how i forgot that and expected her to stop caring for her health…Inshallah she’ll be fine.

Today, I decided to recall my old forgotten ability to gain friends…for real. i tried to deactivate Facebook (i don’t need virtual communication,,,at least for a while) but i couldn’t as I’ll be deactivating Dad’s page as well…so, i made it a private profile…i don’t wanna read two liners from people…I want to hear from them…I’ll focus on the real people in my life and the real people i would like to earn their new existence.

Today, I will buy a book and read…and I will write as vivid as i did before “news” took over my life…and I will work for causes…and all that with the help and will of Allah.

From now on, I will have fun with my kids…I will listen to old music i love…I will dance and walk down my favorite street.

and I will welcome a new month…a new quarter of the astonishing life changing year of 2011 and i will set new fresh goals…I will enjoy life, love and people…I will fight when i need to and i will relax as often as i can.

I’m glad i have you bloggy…forgive me for looking elsewhere 🙂

High beat On a ring road

I was never into hip hop…NEVER…I am more into consistant type of melodies…soft tunes…passionate tunes…rhythmic is ok too sometimes…but hip hop has always been a No No for me…well, there was exceptions but not significant enough to even remember them right now.

But…the past few days i have been tuning to the radio on my way to and from work and Safi, my favorite radio host has been playing two hip hop songs that just rhymed the high speed drive down the ring road and spiced up my wheels.

I absolutly love them…nice lyrics and nice tunes…hope you enjoy…is it a change of taste…a middle age fling with hip hop 😀 ?? have no idea and couldn’t care less…enjoy:

It’s time to stop!

It takes a very honest, a very insightful and a very faithful person to know when is the right time to stop.

To stop a deliciously painful relationship…To stop taking the roller coaster of failed projects…or to stop performing while someone’s actually great at what they do.

Stopping here doesn’t mean defeat, giving up or letting go…it means to win self-respect, to gain more value and to experiment new more suitable passions of life.

Maybe Fairouz, the one and only, who has one of the most unique voices of the last century and the contributor to the most special musical school in the middle east should have really thought about leaving her musical legacy as perfect as it is without the most recent contribution…an album that contained great music, and great techniques that didn’t manage to hide the age related crack in her amazing singing ability.

To have an ongoing  passion for music never means standing on stage trying to minimize the singing range of the phrases because it is not attainable any more.

To live the passion fully till the very last breath sometimes means limiting the disclosure and enjoying the satisfaction of sharing a kind of art that will live as long as humans will ever live…

Fairouz, of course can sing…a lot better than any of our current singers…but when had she ever competed with others?!!

She is the one, and the only competition really is between herself now and herself a few years back.

The glowing star will forever shine if left up in the sky…but if it would fall on earth it would turn into a burnt out stone…