About quiting?? Hmmmm.

So, I get myself addicted then i get myself to quit…find another addiction that feels nice, discover it’s no good so i try to quit

From too many chocolates that mess a metabolic malfunction more and more, to sudden smoking tendencies that felt soothing yet made my difficult breathing painful…to, the wrong type of people…no people at all, no, can’t work this way…maybe just one friend…naaaa, too obsessive…many shallow friendships with people i don’t really like….to a selected few minds that i like to be silly around.

 

It really feels like back in the days when i was a teen stumbling around a thousand things, having a million unstable urges…

 

Except that now…I know exactly what i am, how i like things, what i want…difference is…those turned out to be not an easy thing to sustain….I may know everything I should know…I may Accept everything i should accept and I may have reached the amazingly enlightening age of thirty five; yet, the type of person who has various skills and more than one talent…the person who can endure many diversities and handle how weired life is truly is will never have the ease and peace of joining one group or going down one road.

 

Big problem is, i am so arrogant that i know when i should shut up yet i don’t…I know where i shouldn’t step foot yet i jump right into pits…I can see it as arrogance but i want to say it as respecting people enough to let them see – with me – anything but cliches, anything but shame and nothing of a lie.

 

Many find it repulsive, many freak out, many chicken because they just can’t handle it but some…creme a la creme…smile and feel OK about what things are…i as i am…truth as ugly as can be…nature as nude as possible.

 

The most beautiful thing is that i feel my heart is floating and expanding hugging the world just because acceptance is that graceful…endurance and kindness is that giving and enriching…it’s like a silver beam of light that can change a gloomy soul trapped in trouble into a shimmering white cloud surfing up high looking down at earth yet willing to feed it with its drops.

 

Never meant to be corny poetic…I just feel this way at this moment of this Friday…having major business chaos around the corner, having the accounting book next to me reminding me that the MBA is too much to handle at this phase…I have my kids fighting over a lion king puzzle…and many people in my heart that i love, miss, care for or just despise!

now, that beauty in a winter Christmas night in Cairo is overwhelming….that music is humming in me nagging to get out…while i wonder if i did the right thing entering the short story contest.

 

I just have so much in me now…so much, and life will always be…Life.

It will be…and it will end…and i am fine…or else, i wouldn’t have any energy to get up every morning at six am driving the same road among a despicable traffic jam listening to the radio and making so much effort to cling to something funny enough to jump-start my business engines…I have no choice but be fine. I love being someone good. I hate fools.

 

So, don’t you think being strangely natural and true…maybe kind, might be a good thing?!

🙂

Have a good day.

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A corrupted manual

It is not an easy thing to realize consciously that you are not behaving as normal people would do in certain situations and have no power or will to change your behavior into something more socially accepted.


It is easy just to accept the way you feel and the way you ache and just be yourself.


It is not an easy task to stop your mind from thinking in a certain way that you know for sure can trigger more pain and sore feelings.


It is easy to surrender to fatigue, let go, drop your hands weak and give up trying…but for some, that’s even a harder task…when it’s impossible to drop on your knees, lie down and accept the crawling sensation of fainting just to enforce a necessary shut down.


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Earlier this morning right after dawn, and after I received that phone call from my brother telling me in a reluctant voice that our grandmother, My late daddy’s mother has passed away, I felt…tired…I felt beat…I cried, not loud ugly cries, not hurtfully, I cried quiet sad tears…a minute it was because I was crying my dad actually, still not over not having his hug…protection…content. another minute I was crying because I’m going to miss her, or because I was terrified of her situation at that moment…but the most overwhelming feeling was that I am tired, exhausted…and the only thing I needed at that moment was for hiding in my daddy’s chest, reassured and safe where it was OK for me to feel fragile, weak and scared.


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My kindhearted brother was reluctant because he knew I was tired already…I, as I stepped in my grandmother’s house, hugged him tight…I knew he felt the same…the same daddy’ scenario is replaying bit by bit…even the same faces, the same talk, my aunt calling and crying and screaming for her mother who laid in her room…dead.


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The Idea itself is so uncomprehendable…for someone to suddenly NOTآ exist. Becomes lifeless…all his belongings loose their owner…his place is emptied…his presence becomes a past…his opinion, worth, history are no longer his…theyآ are someone else’s to messآ them up.


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Typical Egyptian Ladies talk too much, reassuring us that heaven isآ granted…that they were so sad, they had lots of loud sobbing to prove it anyway…and I’m sure most of them really meant it…I was the unnatural one…just kept mumbling to myself: la elah ela allah and asking for mercy to be granted to my grandmother, father and all the dead.


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I stayed with my aunt till noon, I couldn’t say a word, and actually I couldn’t force my self to…didn’t want to force myself…or, didn’t have the energy nor the will to do anything but what I felt…and I felt tired, sad and numb!


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Around noon, I started to feel very sharp cramps in my abs…They became sharper and sharper but I had to take the pain and shut up…


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As the doctor and the nurses who were supposed to prepare the deceased for her final trip arrived, I received a phone call from the office asking about me…I realized I’ll be messing the whole day for them especially that the keys for the safe, doors and the CEO’s office were at my possession.


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I had to leave…headed for the office…the cramps became sharper…the CEO felt for me and took me to a nearby hospital where the Doctors in the ER said that it was my nervous system playing the physical game on me…again!


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Prescribed me a muscle relaxant…then, I insisted on going to the office…the CEO started the: maysa7esh ya madam Rasha, you have to attend the funeral.


He nagged, I said: Mafeesh 7aga esmaha elmafrood…mesh 7a2dar ashoof daddy’s scenario tany…mesh 7a2dar asma3 soot 7ad beysarakh aw bey3ayat…


I’m going to the office!


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Went there, I could see them around the office puzzled not knowing how to handle how hyper yet quiet i was…I finished a great amount of work…hiding in my documents…being the Machiavellian that I am, took advantage of my situation and enforced a decision or two on the CEO and got what I wanted…They were in place though…I do have ethics…


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Among all the chaos in my head, a nice breeze of kindness or two blew in my way…I am blessed, I know.


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And a mean selfish steam or two tried to annoy me…but, nothing couldآ hurt me more than I was already.


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The typical manual in relating to similar situations is corrupted in my system.


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I don’t know if I’m becoming less sensitive or what…but, after my dad, I doubt that anything would come close in effect.


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May all people find the peace of mind, heart and spirit.


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Amen.


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For the Love of the Game

For the love of the game…
you aim
reclaim
ur right to be hot again
you gaze
amaze
and slowly say a name

you thrive adrenaline
commit a lie or ten
sooth
act smooth
try to loose
senses are no longer the same

All, for the love of the game

For the love of the game
remain
soft and sweet
in vein
won’t admit defeat
again
struggle to prove
insane
and u won’t move
give more?!
won’t do any good
hey, score
andآ indulge the flood
allow
every caress and sigh
show how
love makin’ is high
a bow
a laugh
a cry
ashamed?!
burn and dry
and try
and try
and try
Just for the love of the game!

Joint Initiation

Last Ramadan flew just like a rocket and I couldn’t help but feel very poor on the good deeds of the holy month.

and while I was ranting about it here on my blog and giving myself hope that stressing on my faith doesn’t have to be a Ramadan task, My dear friend and fellow blogger Jerusalem shared my feelings and hope of a better grounded acts of faith.

She Innovated an action plan that can help keep us on track of our actions…Life tend to distract don’t you agree?!!

May Allah bless her suggested the attached…and as she named it : The Joint initiation was meant to be shared with whoever finds him/herself willing and in need of a few guidelines.

Committing to such a schedule isn’t easy and I know so…and even finding the desire deep inside is a reluctant move that – speaking about myself – required certain state of mind and soul…

I believe it’s a reminder of the lost link and spirituality with Allah…

May we always have the power to want and the strength to give…mainly for ourselves.

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Heart Wash

Sometimes I see your eyes love me

But wanting me is what broke me

Sometimes I relive my past with you

first was love…bitterness lasted too

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I wish you’d feel more pain

I wish my love wasn’t in vain

I hope you’dآ ache forever

I hope you’d find no pleasure

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I know…I need…a heart wash

I feel…I need …a heart wash

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آ 

Remember when you forced your soul on me?

Remember when you acted so surreal?

Remember how i held you in my heart ?

Remember how youآ kissed it then throw it far!?!

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I know you can’t feel anything at night

I know you’ll buy yourself someone tonight

I see you now thinking and smoking away

All feelings of any humanity you lived today

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I know…I need…a heart wash

I feel…I need…a heart wash

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I wish you’d cry every time you hear a love song

I wish you’d cry every time you feel you won’t belong

I wish you die for a touch every minute you live

I wish you’d find no one who can forgive

I wish you’d feel lonely in every crowd

I wish you’d dream of me and say my name out loud

آ 

آ 

Can’t hope for more

Can’t feel but sore

Can’t and won’t be your toy

you’ll always find my pain your joy

آ 

I know…I need…a heart wash

I feel…I need…a heart wash

It’s summer time…and the livin’ is easy

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آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ 

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This summer is divided in our minds in two…before Ramadan/after Ramadan…so, this summer so far has been good.

I had a nice sha2fa of beach time, pool time and such and i had a bigger sha2fa of hanging out with my random friends and crazy kids.

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I can’t think about summer and not remember the huge mistake i did when i bought tons of out fits that didn’t really fit on a promise that I’m on a diet and I’ll get into them in two weeks comfortably…BIIIG mistake!

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I ended up buying some fitted comfortable out fits 3ashan i didn’t loose the targeted weight 😦

but…ya3ni that’s ok gedan gedan…who knows, maybe i could wear them mmmmm one day!

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About work – the biggest concern – I’m doing good al7amdlelah but still I’m looking for that DEAL…THEONE…IT…you know what i mean.

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Movies…one movie marked in my mind…CABARET…it was a good weaved movie…I still want to see Ahmed helmy’s 3ashan i like his easy comedy ( no exaggeration nor profanity )…as for American ones…what happens in Vegas is still the ACE.

Can you sense how light I’m becoming 😀 diet or no diet i just seek comedy…mesh na2sa waga3 alb 😀

آ 

I read on some blog an anticipation regarding the upcoming few Ramadans which will be in summer…what will Muslims do? will they hit the beaches anyway?

Well, el7a2ee2a i didn’t like the questioning aslan…Ramadan or no Ramadan it’s all about Individual choices and mindsets.

If someone is fully dedicated they will keep their clothes on while fasting, if not yeb2a khalas…baseeta…allah bey7aseb ba2a.

آ 

Now, before Ramadan…i want to take the kids and hit the coast for a few days…Inshallah soon.

آ 

Have a good day…

It’s summer time and the livin’ is easy 🙂

Cabaret

Nothing reminded me of the BACKSTAGE series of posts i used to write for a loooooooong time…till i saw the ad for the new Egyptian movie called the same as this post:آ Cabaret

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I will watch the movie tonight and get back to you with a review…

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Movie theaters now in egypt are active with various summer releases…only a few wouldآ make me hit the cinema but that one was a must see.

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with jammed thoughts i write this post…will be around soon Inshallah.

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have a good evening.

What Book am I? ( warning: stolen goods)

I stole this nice quiz from 7aki who stole it from others…Such quizzes are so interesting and fun…well, sometimes, it’s like checking my horoscope!

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Give it a try and share the crime…oh, and have a good night.

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You’re Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you’re actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You’d be recognized as such if you weren’t always talking about talking rabbits.
Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

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I’m powered off!

آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ 

آ 

آ 

آ 

آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ آ