Flashlights in my eyes

Thursday 30th June

Live music…Piano…caressing, pressing on, pounding and dancing on the keys with his brilliant fingers…the piano was black and grand…and the music revived my soul…took me away from life and up to the skies…I breathe…I, then, breathe…then suddenly and by an odd chance  I was exposed!!

I knew it was time…

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Morning: Surrounded by many colleagues…watching a scene from a movie as part of the studying process: and there it was…music…a guitar that screamed on the sidewalk…a talent disclosed…and she joined him on the piano…he was humming the tunes…she was playing them…he was guiding her through the notes…and she was following his melody…and i had him in my head sitting their…on the black grand piano…humming tunes and guiding me into playing them…then we sing together…and he’d smile i get the tunes…and he’d smile when I harmonize…

a girl from the group looked at me…smiled…and said: does it remind you of something?

And I couldn’t hide the sting that evoked many soundless tears to flood from my eyes…quietly i left my seat to head to the bathroom…no one noticed me but my best friend…the bathroom was busy so i stood at the end of the hall…facing a tiny window overlooking the empty street and a dull tree…and i breathed him out…with many tears…hearing the couple from the movie still playing and still singing and hearing my heart still weeping but i choked on the sounds…my tears are silent…soundless crying…and i cried…cried…and cried…till the tears stopped on their own…I managed to wash my face…and faned it with my hands dry…and went back to my seat hoping my eyes are tearless…my pain over missing him at that very moment inserted a sharp pin in my heart…and it wouldn’t go away…

 

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Afternoon: A boat in the nile…amazing breeze…kids that look older at that very moment…many years have passed…and i worry…I worry about them…

the boat turns…the smoke from my cigaret blows towards them…so i stop smoking…and i wish i could smoke…my mind was worrying over my kids…my heart was missing a beat…a certain beat i only know of…again…should i be grateful i had a long time-out from that beat? should i be grateful i have it now?

The Serenity of the emptiness was good while it lasted…

Here i am…slightly slightly aching again…living again…here…i…am…

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Noon: the circle felt complete…I felt the belonging…the secure belonging…despite being conscious and putting myself out there in front of them…i know i have the guts many people don’t have…so i might as well enjoy it…act upon it…and trust them…

I trust them…I trust it…it…that ties me to that grass and to that breeze that blew through my hair…to that sky…to it…that spirit…

I feel WHOLE there…and M’s eyes always hug me…always…always…all i have to do is look at her…when i’m confused…in pain…scared…uncomfortable…M’s look hugs me…and i…I AM…I AM there…on that spot on that day at that time holding that book…I BE.

Noon: I know what I’m good at…I know what i want…will pursue it wholeheartedly! 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Night: The market was so so crowded i could barely hear myself thinking: why the heck have i come here to shop on a SATURDAY?!

Mom was smiling…we were walking inside and each had a kid in her hand…a kid who wanted to pull his/her hand away and walk freely…but we wouldn’t let them…too crowded…too damn crowded and we have nothing but those kids…we love…LOVE LOVE those kids and we LIVE for those kids…we wouldn’t let go…

I looked at her and said:

– “I need a break”

– “aren’t you having one already -ya nasaba”, and she laughed.

– “Not really…attempts only…i need to set my self free…”

– “entaleqy ya bent elmontaleqa “, she laughed again and nodded that she understands…then she made something with her hand -while still smiling- like flipping a burger on a grill.

– “No…Idon’t believe that would happen to me…other things may cause that…I harm no one…I am a good person”

– “yes you are”

we didn’t talk again…but as we reached home she gave me that piercing look that contained: take care of yourself…i’m scared over you…and i understand, all at the same time.

I looked away…didn’t say a word…end of story!

 

 

 

 

Sunday 3rd July

Very early in the morning: No need to be smart to get it! it’s obvious!

Still naive? Is it a bad thing after all?

Well…I feel every emotion and speak every word SO sincerely…and that is so rich and so valuable…no one and nothing would ever rob that away from me.

Rational I gotta be…and mature as I know I can.

Watermark: Breathless…restless…focused…trembling…strong…emotional…sincere…defensive and slightly slightly in pain…some say I’m vulnerable these days…well…I am a tough gal…so, all combined,,,,I’ll be ok.

 

Dear Daddy,

Dear Daddy,

I miss you beyond expression.

I miss calling you every night…Sometimes I forget you are not here any more and I pick up the phone to call you.

Forgive me for being angry at you…I sometimes get angry only because I love you…and because I missed you…I missed you all my life…way before you died.

Now…I feel grateful for what you left me…You left me a passion for art and a legacy of your music.

Yesterday As i was driving to the book club i put on a CD where you sang with your voice in a rehearsal…It was so warm and so precious and so painful to hear your voice talking and singing.

Dear Daddy, four years have passed…they feel so much longer…a lot has happened in my life;

Things that you would have prevented me from doing…people you would have protected me from…Accomplishments you would have embraced me for…I did screw up at times, but daddy, I did mend…I am trying my best…I have pursued little triumphs that would have made you proud of me.

Today i signed with a publisher who’s interested in my writing…your name and mine will be on books dear daddy…proud?

Your grand children whom you adore are doing great alhamdulelah…Your music is alive…with my little limited resources i am doing my best to make it alive…I promised you a website that contains all your biography, i couldn’t do that but i created a facebook page that is quite as good…you don’t know what facebook is!

I never forget my voice…my music…I live them for you and for myself…Jumana sings beautifully too…and Hassan has an amazing ear for music…I am writing…I am loving…and I never stop remembering you.

sometimes when i have the urge to break the rules I think of you and walk straight…People always greeted you that you had good kids…respectful kids…They were always amazed that an “artist” had three decent kids…Well, my brother and sister are more than amazing daddy…

I do my best be that…I do my best not disappoint you…and not disappoint myself.

If you were alive, would you have forgiven my mistakes??

Some how…I know you would have…You were always understanding, friendly and open minded…you were very strict in a lovely way.

You gave me so little time as a dad but you carved so much in me when you could.

Sometimes I hate myself for resenting things related to you…Sometimes I think that I don’t forgive you…but, now i know for sure that i do…I love you so much and appreciate everything that formed my spirit and my mind.

May you rest in peace…May all the good and generosity you’ve done for all the people I knew of after you passed away would be rewarded.

I am who i am because of everything you were.

I love you…

Rasha

Last Thursday of exhausting March

Dear Blog,

March has cracked my bones…It has been confusing, exhausting and mind draining…and really tight with the bucks…

But Today is a brilliant day…It ends and takes March with it.

It takes all the waiting…All the confusion…All the back and forth annoying movement between offices, decisions and urges.

March ended and I’m happy that i can mark the end of a 120 days critical phase in my life.

Today, I settled in my work…made up my mind and settled…and I am happy with what Allah gave me…and i will build from there…not build anywhere else.

Today, although i was very worried about my sick mom, Her spirit lifts mine…she is a very courageous lady, don’t know how i forgot that and expected her to stop caring for her health…Inshallah she’ll be fine.

Today, I decided to recall my old forgotten ability to gain friends…for real. i tried to deactivate Facebook (i don’t need virtual communication,,,at least for a while) but i couldn’t as I’ll be deactivating Dad’s page as well…so, i made it a private profile…i don’t wanna read two liners from people…I want to hear from them…I’ll focus on the real people in my life and the real people i would like to earn their new existence.

Today, I will buy a book and read…and I will write as vivid as i did before “news” took over my life…and I will work for causes…and all that with the help and will of Allah.

From now on, I will have fun with my kids…I will listen to old music i love…I will dance and walk down my favorite street.

and I will welcome a new month…a new quarter of the astonishing life changing year of 2011 and i will set new fresh goals…I will enjoy life, love and people…I will fight when i need to and i will relax as often as i can.

I’m glad i have you bloggy…forgive me for looking elsewhere 🙂

Love will kill me

I love deeply but i don’t love much.

Most of the time i like people or dislike them…i rarely love them…i don’t usually invest deeper feelings, or to be more honest…i don’t allow myself to get attached.

But on the few occasions i do attach, i really and deeply and faithfully and devotedly care…to an extent that such very close friends or family become as essential to me as my kids or my mom…and with that depth comes a whole package…a package that was the main reason why i hardly allowed myself to get too close to someone.

I fear for my loved ones…i become protective…i become so uptight when it comes to their safety and well-being.

A choking kind of love i assume..well, at least to some.

Accordingly i get mad and lose my cool…my blood pressure hits the roof and anger shuts down my better judgment and steam comes out from every possible opening in my body.

I fail to maintain my generally nice attitude and sometimes i try to imagine how i must look like in one of those burst outs and i think positively that i turn from the angelic baby face teddy roosh to a devilish -thin lol- woman dressed in red leather and holding a huge fork in her hand while sticking out her claws.

I feel that either my anger would kill me or my love will do the job.

Of course if the bad way applies on my beloved friends and distant family, it maximizes upon my kids.

I love them with every fraction of a cell in my body and every fraction of my being…LOVE…i mean i would easily DIE for them…I want the BEST thing in this world for them…I can’t tolerate any form of harm to ever touch them…or ever be inflected by themselves.

Last night i freaked out when my kid explained coldly that he didn’t find enough time during the Quran exam to write two required Surahs…I thought: WHAT…my SON coldly LEFT TWO QUESTIONS and didn’t even feel bad about it…then, boommmm trrrrrrrakh brrrrrrrakh crrrrrrak!!

(of course the rational speech was delivered to him afterwards)

so, i am adding emotion control to my 2011 wish list.

Will cool down, contain myself, 7a7ot 3ala alby a zillion watt marawe7 and detach as much as i could.

May love revive me…not kill me.

Kids are raising us, actually!

So, everyone’s basic story…they wanna fall in love, get engaged, their families would fight over silly stuff, they go pick the furniture, try to skip the curtain’s expenses, pay them and more after all, get the TV set, find a perfect gown, pick the matching bow tie, seek a nice 3rd degree singer, the camera man flashes his lights till dawn, they go to their room….and BANG!

Life begins…

And…in a few months a life begins kicking…

Well, everyone would hold a secret wish for the favorite gender…mommy would want a pink little doll to dress up and do her hair…daddy would want a little footballer to shout at matches with…grannies would pray for twins…to get it over with and have both genders and double joy…lots of baby shopping…lots of baby kicks…lots of screams and lots of money to pay and diapers to change and burbing to bat out of their tiny tummies…many damage because of their small curious hands…many nibbling on anything but their meals…copy books to buy, animal stuffed pencils to sharpen, dumb teachers to argue with as they just don’t get the kid!!

And we worry, we get scared…we wish them the best and fear from the passing breeze to harm them…we try our best to help them be good…be better…be best…anything but us…and everything that we are not…and all the things we couldn’t have.

WE set the rules and we pay days, brain cells and many nights so we can raise them…

Yet, Fact is…they raise us…

We behave better around them…we do our best for them…we stick to a healthy daily routine for them…we go out to make them happy…we work just to provide for them…we sleep when they are peacefully sleeping and wake whenever there’s anything bothering them…

Wo do our best to make a great home…we treasure the marriage…we get to know fellow parents…we invite more kids…we watch our language and our safety envronment…we think of their feelings…we listen to them with love…we celebrate them with pride…they are the goal and the award and the test.

They make us laugh and they caress our hands and they kiss our cheeks truthfully and devotedly when nothing else is guaranteed.

They speak their minds to give us a  wow moment and think: OH wow…we made this!

They forgive…completely.

They love…purely.

They are the warmth and the compassion…they feel us without one word…

Kids raise us…actually! 

(Inspired by Dino’s)

I’m mad at People!

This is a rant.

No, a burst.

Or whatever…

I am mad at people…some people i allowed to get close to me…and general people’s behavior. I am mad because frankly -with total sincere modesty- I am an added value to everyone i called “a loved one”.

I am fed up with people using my love and abusing it for their own humorous sadistic tendencies…I would care and love someone but that wouldn’t make me their door matt or call girl.

I am angry at their random meanness…their casual talteesh and cruel remarks…when I need support I should get it naturally from people who claim to love me, not get the mocking and the neglect of my needs.

I am provoked by their arrogant smile that speculates that they know of me more than what i am stating.

I am annoyed by the fact that they neglect what they already know about me, being an open straight forward person and treat me as if I’m hiding something while i’m really not hiding anything simply because I am not a coward…I face and fight if i have to.

I am irritated by their totally unnecessary tanaka…and it is unnecessary because I never batanek 3ala 7ad simply because i am too confident and too nice to abuse anyone to feel superior…and most importantly i wouldn’t do that to people I love.

I am furious at everybody who’d see me and notice signs that i am being tired, busy, sick, sleepless or burdened by life matters and automatically assume i have problems with my husband…well, I almost never lie and never act…and they being close would know if i have any problem in my marriage and facts are: 1) I am a responsible human being with many obligations at hand and life can be stressful and loaded at time. 2) My relationship with my husband has been doing great for a long time…so, bite it!!

I have had enough from being used to feed someone else’s gossip diet…Private people’s life is PRIVATE…not a TV show we can discuss with total strangers.

I am disappointed at people’s ability to hide and act as if they have no idea something has happened while they are being dumb liars.

I will not accept anyone attempting to take advantage of me, to stick around with an ultimatum or step all over me mistaking my kindness for weakness.

Whoever is willing to love me and treat me with utter respect just as I am is more than welcomed to be part of my heart and life…whoever refuses to recognize how proper and respectful and supportive relationships should be could really fuck off!!!

Good news is: Now that i am done with venting about people’s crap I’ve been facing…I can focus on my own with a clear vision and an honest spirit.

 

Let’s just NOT call it a birthday!!

Come On…give me a  break…just use your mind a bit!!

So, here’s how it started:

My sweetest Jeeka asked to share a cake with her classmates on her birthday, which happens to be today ().

I wrote to her class teacher to ask if it was OK and appropriate to squeeze in the schedule a quick bite of cake.

The teacher replied via the “Chanel book” and said it was Ok but she wrote: “Let’s just not call it a birthday, it would be like a dish party…as birthdays are 7aram (forbidden)”

 OK, I am a reasonable person and I am someone who actually has a good idea about my religion (giving the fact that i studied it, practiced it fully at some point in my life and I believe in it at all time).

I know why some scholars refuse the birthday concept… because it is a new trend to feast over someone’s birthday…and some “religious” people just copied that opinion without giving it much thought.

And thinking is actually applicable in such small matters…As whether to celebrate birthdays or not is not a matter of conviction or something that has been stated in our holy book or mentioned in the profit’s (PBUH) teachings.

And I think that getting an 8 year old girl a heart-shaped chocolate cake and a toy and celebrating that her tiny hands got a tad bigger or that she has grown a little taller would never upset Allah from us.

I mean, Allah the almighty, the loving, the merciful is way closer and way bigger than such small stuff.

While i’m defending a little girl’s giggles over a cake and some confetti, I am totally against wild partying where many sins can be done and extravagant celebrations…I am just pro simple excuses to have a little fun for a change…

A birthday is actually a good chance to make our loved ones feel special and pampered because in the midst of our crazy lives we do need such a break in our stiff routines.

7aram and 7alal has been the game of tennis between people who have absolutely no idea how Allah really is…

I believe that If we really cared to know Allah we would actually enjoy our religion…we would enjoy praying, giving to the poor, being good to eachother and knowing the Quran.

We let other frowned interpretations create a big solid wall between us and our faith.

We look around and see religious people contradict their own words every single day so we create bigger walls and start drifting away from the faith tavern that was meant to be given to us.

Being faithful is beautiful…Allah loves us…We can enjoy being devoted to you religion and We can enjoy obeying Allah only if we broke the walls, neglected other people and got to know him.

My little cute pie turned eight years old today, Happy birthday and everyday sweet Jumana 🙂