Good old blogging days, again!

Exactly one year ago we celebrated our blogging golden years..2006/2007.

We created, back then, a facebook group that has 82 members now 🙂

I and my friends from around the blogosphere blogged on that day to remember how it was when blogging was “it” and the community was familiar.

My dear friends from around Qwaider planet…from good old “Jeeran” from Jordan, Egypt, Precious Palestine, Lebanon and Syria are still in touch…we read for each other or communicate through facebook but blogging will always be so special and so near.

This year i won’t go all nostalgic…this year our world has changed…and the word NEW is not far any more…this year is about hopes that we believe will come true.

I hope blogging never fades to facebook, video blogging or anything else.

I hope writing online never be censored…i hope it keeps being the free skies we let go of our inhabitants in and just soar free.

I hope we witness successes, accomplishments and value all the way.

Thank you bloggers for reading, sharing and accepting.

Thank you for opening my eyes to a talent i never knew it existed that now I have two books on shelves…who would’ve thought! it’s surreal!

Thank you and I hope next year we still celebrate our good old blogging days 🙂

 

P.S. dear reader, you are welcomed to join the group (link above) and blog with us…you can post on your blog or in the notes area on the group.

I smile

I don’t know what it is that makes me peacefully and quietly smile as i think of what passed in pale shades and think of what might come in delightful pastel colors…

Maybe it’s the winter…

Maybe it’s the year that is ending and the new one that is promising…I have a long list of goals to right down on new year’s eve.

Maybe it’s me…being in solitude…self assessing…and feeling value crawling to my soul just like those many grey hairs that are moon lighting my hair.

I can see, tonight, as i smile to the night and sip from my hot cup, I can see what “it” worth…not what “it” cost…

What it holds…not what it abandons…

What it builds…not what it shatters…

I go out to the balcony and i breathe deeply inhaling the cold crispy air into my semi clean lungs and i feel sprinkles of freshness within…so i smile…

And a new idea of a new dream sparks in my mind like an ever glowing star and i feel young and excited and fulfilled…just like receiving the sweetest surprise…and i smile…

I am glad and grateful and humbled that I live…fully…that i hurt…fully…and enjoy my simple magnificent joys…fully…that i love with every bit of my being deeply and fully…that i know how to start…and know when to end…how to experience and experement…fully…that i give fully…and rebel when i am deprived of what i fully deserve…that soul matters and “things” don’t…that i don’t settle…and don’t lie helplessly and take it!

I am glad I know how to scream…how to dream…I am glad passion never fails me…never leaves me…only lights my path and accepts my heat…

I smile…to the minute it all ends and i feel that is sooner than one might think…I smile…Fully.

Love

why is it so hard for me to believe it…

that your heartbeats really breathe for me,

that you are a single cloud sheltering me,

that you rain just to nurture me,

that you’re insane for my passion,

that you see me…really me…

that the value of my heart is safe in your core…

that my sight and sensation bring life to you…

that you long for the mere existence of me…

that you worship through me…

that you are torn just to give into me…

that u see roses in my balms and smell the magic of the seas on my neck…

that you wake to the shine in my eyes and rest asleep on the silver beams on my chest…

that you rise onto my high waves…like a floating star…

and hang down deep with me…in the flames of love…

that you linger when i’m in your arms to linger when i’m so far…

that you’re stronger in my eyes and stronger when you weaken in me…above…

that you know what hope is…as you hope for my next sigh…

that you taste luscious sparks when you taste my traces…

that you desire heaven because heaven grants you I…

that you strive to feed me pleasure exerted from my pleasure…

that you ache to parent a tiny form of me…as you love me dearly…and endlessly forever…

that you might turn soft tunes to thunder to protect me from harm…

defend my heart with echos louder than any storm…

that i am the salvation…the manifestation of soul…

that you dream and ache to skin my back…

that you wanna live me…and die in me…

I find it hard to believe, yet doubts fail to keep me away…because i can’t believe you are capable of loving me the way i love you more and more each day…

Flashlights in my eyes

Thursday 30th June

Live music…Piano…caressing, pressing on, pounding and dancing on the keys with his brilliant fingers…the piano was black and grand…and the music revived my soul…took me away from life and up to the skies…I breathe…I, then, breathe…then suddenly and by an odd chance  I was exposed!!

I knew it was time…

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Morning: Surrounded by many colleagues…watching a scene from a movie as part of the studying process: and there it was…music…a guitar that screamed on the sidewalk…a talent disclosed…and she joined him on the piano…he was humming the tunes…she was playing them…he was guiding her through the notes…and she was following his melody…and i had him in my head sitting their…on the black grand piano…humming tunes and guiding me into playing them…then we sing together…and he’d smile i get the tunes…and he’d smile when I harmonize…

a girl from the group looked at me…smiled…and said: does it remind you of something?

And I couldn’t hide the sting that evoked many soundless tears to flood from my eyes…quietly i left my seat to head to the bathroom…no one noticed me but my best friend…the bathroom was busy so i stood at the end of the hall…facing a tiny window overlooking the empty street and a dull tree…and i breathed him out…with many tears…hearing the couple from the movie still playing and still singing and hearing my heart still weeping but i choked on the sounds…my tears are silent…soundless crying…and i cried…cried…and cried…till the tears stopped on their own…I managed to wash my face…and faned it with my hands dry…and went back to my seat hoping my eyes are tearless…my pain over missing him at that very moment inserted a sharp pin in my heart…and it wouldn’t go away…

 

 

 

 

Friday 1st July

Afternoon: A boat in the nile…amazing breeze…kids that look older at that very moment…many years have passed…and i worry…I worry about them…

the boat turns…the smoke from my cigaret blows towards them…so i stop smoking…and i wish i could smoke…my mind was worrying over my kids…my heart was missing a beat…a certain beat i only know of…again…should i be grateful i had a long time-out from that beat? should i be grateful i have it now?

The Serenity of the emptiness was good while it lasted…

Here i am…slightly slightly aching again…living again…here…i…am…

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Noon: the circle felt complete…I felt the belonging…the secure belonging…despite being conscious and putting myself out there in front of them…i know i have the guts many people don’t have…so i might as well enjoy it…act upon it…and trust them…

I trust them…I trust it…it…that ties me to that grass and to that breeze that blew through my hair…to that sky…to it…that spirit…

I feel WHOLE there…and M’s eyes always hug me…always…always…all i have to do is look at her…when i’m confused…in pain…scared…uncomfortable…M’s look hugs me…and i…I AM…I AM there…on that spot on that day at that time holding that book…I BE.

Noon: I know what I’m good at…I know what i want…will pursue it wholeheartedly! 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 2nd July

Night: The market was so so crowded i could barely hear myself thinking: why the heck have i come here to shop on a SATURDAY?!

Mom was smiling…we were walking inside and each had a kid in her hand…a kid who wanted to pull his/her hand away and walk freely…but we wouldn’t let them…too crowded…too damn crowded and we have nothing but those kids…we love…LOVE LOVE those kids and we LIVE for those kids…we wouldn’t let go…

I looked at her and said:

– “I need a break”

– “aren’t you having one already -ya nasaba”, and she laughed.

– “Not really…attempts only…i need to set my self free…”

– “entaleqy ya bent elmontaleqa “, she laughed again and nodded that she understands…then she made something with her hand -while still smiling- like flipping a burger on a grill.

– “No…Idon’t believe that would happen to me…other things may cause that…I harm no one…I am a good person”

– “yes you are”

we didn’t talk again…but as we reached home she gave me that piercing look that contained: take care of yourself…i’m scared over you…and i understand, all at the same time.

I looked away…didn’t say a word…end of story!

 

 

 

 

Sunday 3rd July

Very early in the morning: No need to be smart to get it! it’s obvious!

Still naive? Is it a bad thing after all?

Well…I feel every emotion and speak every word SO sincerely…and that is so rich and so valuable…no one and nothing would ever rob that away from me.

Rational I gotta be…and mature as I know I can.

Watermark: Breathless…restless…focused…trembling…strong…emotional…sincere…defensive and slightly slightly in pain…some say I’m vulnerable these days…well…I am a tough gal…so, all combined,,,,I’ll be ok.

 

I and “Letting go”

At one afternoon…on the same grass that witnessed many of my evolutions, we sat…she, looking through me…listening to my inner thoughts…seeing the tense worries flood to wet her hands.

I…Was newly gathering meanings and emotions.

She…Was so present i could hear her soul.

And she looked at me that look…the “hugging” look…and told me: “Let go…to master matters of your heart…you need to let go”.

I understood…but felt i couldn’t wrap it around my finger.

Time passed by…a couple of months flew…and i came face to face with a choice…to shut a feeling away or let go…let them stream.

And i did…cautiously…and every time i get the urge to run and hide in my cave…I remind myself that down that road i am getting introduced to mastering the matters of my heart…

And i panic…and I hear random or supportive words….that pushes me a little further…and i allow myself to be pushed…to go one step further in that sea i am so afraid of…

I AM so affraid…because i almost believe…I am almost positive of the inevitable hurt…the endless regret…the ache…and I dread ache…I dread ache…I DREAD ACHE…

But i rationalize…sometimes, I get so mesmerized in the emotion that all those fears mute…vanish…and leave me in trance…with my soul and my heart reuniting…like that sunset by that shore on that day….in so much harmony and so much passion…

And i wake…because the rhyme was broken…the music stopping…the melody is out of tune…

And i feel like walking on  a cracked old wooden bridge…and i hold on to two tough ropes that swing with me so hard that my heart fells every single time i attempt to test the log and step on it…I sometimes freeze as i feel that log turning into scribbles flying in the air like confetti…and sometimes i hold on to the ropes so tight and risk only to find myself a little step ahead…

And…and i don’t know…

And not knowing always drives me crazy…

The scenarios…the possibility of the plots…

For i am not a game player…I’m not familiar with the rules…and actyually i don’t accept the concept.

One thought hold me together…One thought drives me ahead regardless of the suspecions…I am in the midst of mastering the matters of my heart…this is the process…this is the path and the only way to do it.

I am who i am…can’t change…i can only add new skills but could never be another person.

Life…Love…History…Ache…The laughter i know how to wholeheartedly exert or share or derive…I…I and letting go will be friends…It might be hard…but, i am bound to gain it…I will earn it!

Dear Religionist,

Do you have any idea what you’ve done to that child?

I know you were a child yourself…but you didn’t stop at that…you continued your malice attacks but in a different form…do you have any idea about the harm you have caused him?

You have changed a human being forever!

Your cruel remarks…your bigoty…your teasing, bullying and discrimination deformed him and many others like him.

Did you really feel superior because you have the religion of the majority? does being born to a family from a  certain religion make you better than every other human being different from yourself?

Who taught you that?

Which malignant call taught you that by being condescending, abusive and mean you get to be better?

Who taught you that by being a monster you benefit your religion? that by refusing any other way you are raising your assets?

And If someone did…How could you believe them?

have you ever felt any kind of regret that you’ve cornered the few different kids u had in class?

Was the jokes really that good?

Did you really and wholeheartedly laugh?

Or was it just a sick sadistic feeling you had enjoying hurting others…have you ever experienced being out numbered…ganged…hit…mocked at…just because your parents were of a different religion than the masses?

I guess you haven’t…well, I’ll tell you what would have happened…

You would have trembled like a leaf in a storm if some kid would pin you to the wall and keep insulting your religion….you would have been reluctant to tell freely about your beliefs, as you’ll feel the punch in the stomach before even getting touched…

The looks would have burned your forehead….

You would have always worn a huge watch to cover the little blue cross tattooed to your wrist/would have uncovered your hair/ shaved your beard/ stopped praying in the Masjid/forgotten about the church/neglected the temple/hidden the songs/turned off the Quran…

you would have been obliged to use religious accustomed sentences that were NOT from your religion just to win the approval of the masses…

you would have never felt free to act as you wished…you would have chosen who to LOVE, as they must be like you or else…. and by far that must be the cruelest act against one’s heart…to pick…LOVE.

you would have changed lanes, switched streets and felt like shrinking every time BIG RELIGIOUSLY DRESSED men walked your way or gave you the gaze.

You would have been someone shaky…hesitant…worrying…paranoied at times…

maybe hostile…sometimes violant…ouyt of fear…opression and prejudice.

Dear Racist…Dear Religionist…Dear Sexist…Dear unfair cruel arrogant condescending human being…I want to surprise you,

Allah created a universe in which he created millions of wonders and above them all was humanity…to know him…to love him…to obey him…NO ONE can identify the way…we are left to choose and we are expected to take full responsiblity…Allah is the creator, the fair judge.

Look up to the open skies…look afar to the endless waters…he wanted the world this way…open…free…and to him we shall return and each shall handle his deeds…no one else…

Not you…and Never me!

رسالة الى تاج راسى

بحبك

مع انك مغيرنى …بس بحبك

مع انك طوق حوالين رقبتى

 ولجام حوالين دماغى

بس بحبك

بستخبى فيك

بدارى جنانى بيك

لاففنى بأمان وحفاظة

وبحبك

أحياناً بزهدك…

بزهدك علشان أشترى عيون الناس

قبول الناس

بزهدك

وبتحرر منك

علشان أتنفس

عشان أحس انى والسما واحد

عشان البحر يغرقنى فيه

عشان احس ان الهوا سكن شعرى وطار بيه

برجعلك بقلب

زى ما بزهدك بقلب

برجعلك واعيطلك تسامحنى

عشان بحبك

ده مش تخلى

ده مش نُكران

ده مش كُفر بيك

ده مش عصيان

ده…مش عارفة ده ايه

 

انا انسانة…زى ما بحبك

ساعات بقلب عليك

او…او بس هو الهوا…والمية…والسما

وشمس حامية ترجع فى عروقى الحياة

وعيون الناس اللى بتحضنى من غيرك

بتلهى بيهم عنك

بس برجعلك

علشان حبيتك

اوي… حبيت سترك…حدودك…

استكانة عفاريتى بيك…استكانة مُريحة أوووووى

بتحبنى وطاير جنبى؟

مسامحنى وحاسس بحبى؟

طب افتكرلى حاجة حلوة

يوم ما اتشتمت بيك

يوم ما اتهجرت ليك

يوم ما اتهمشت عشان جريت عليك

حياة ابوك ما تزعل منى

عشان ساعات بزدريك

افرح

افرح انى مش بنافقك

افرح انى بصدق بحبك…وقت ما بحبك

ووقت الخنقة بعفيك

من لومى وزلتى

ع الاقل انت فى حياتى امانة

مش بخونك ..انا كنت بستسمحك

بستسمحك انساك

واعيش من غيرك

بستسمحك وببعد من غير ما اسيبك 

شايف رجوعى بحب

كان الاجازة من غيرك كانت وحشة

كان من غيرك انا وحدى فى وَحشة

والله بحبك

اقبلنى كما انا

حريتى فى حبك غِنى

حريتى انى اخترتك..بقلبى وبعقلى وبايدى انا

الخيانة مش البُعاد

الخيانة ابقى لازقاك فيا وكرهاك

وانا حباك

تلاتة بالله العظيم حباك

وشرياك

وعايزاك

إيشاربى يا إيشاربى…

سامحنى لو غلطت …شِعرى كله فداك