البُعد بيشدنى شد…مع انى تحت امره من كل بُد…
البُعد غرام وامتد…وَنَس..لا عمره جرح ولا صد
It was when I first held my new born baby, when I felt a stinging ache in my heart and my tears dropped on my breast as I fed him.
The ache was inflicted by a sudden enormous feeling of compassion towards my mother who, someday years ago, held me the same way and brought me close to her heart and fed me for the first time.
On that day my love for my mother multiplied a thousand times…I wanted to hold her, kiss her hands forever and thank her for loving me that much.
That much…as I loved those tiny fingers and those closed tiny eyes and that hungry little mouth reaching out to the unknown, instinctively, wanted to survive…wanting to be fed.
The compassion towards my mom made me forget any conflict I ever had with her…any suffering I ever had in my life…any pain I ever went through…All I felt was overwhelming strong storms of love towards her.
It was when I first held my new born baby, when I realized for the first time in my life the real meaning and function of having the physicality of a woman.
I realized that all the past recognition of my femininity was a fraction of the real reason behind that creation…That I wasn’t given something that looks nice in outfits and flatters my posture or has the function of pleasing a spouse; I was given a meaning to life…a way…a reason…the function.
When my baby held on to me, closed his eyes peacefully and starting filling himself with life…directly fom my life…i felt like my soul was floating…i closed my eyes and thanked god he made me realize the blessing of the bond between me and my new born…and the bond between my creation and him.
And it was days after I first held my new born baby, when my mom disclosed the fact that she found a lump in her breast.
The breast that I had started to realize its meaning…the source of life…the outside of the chest heart…
She was scared yet acting strong and collected, I panicked and was anything but collected…as I shivered, I started to call people I know for a doctor recommendation, and after getting a number or two my mom surprised me that she didn’t want to go to the doctor.
She thought she should wait for another few weeks because she wanted to take care of me and my new born baby…and again, she was being the woman who held her first new born in her hands…and again the multiplied love and compassion towards her ached and ached… my tears couldn’t be stopped and I begged her ” Mama, you just have to go and go now…this is your life…you are my life and you have to be fine…always…I need you to be fine more than anything in this whole world…I care for you more than anything and anyone, even the baby…I love you more than anything and anyone even the baby…please…we will go together to the doctor…we will!!”
She laughed as I hardly made sense as my shaky voice and many tears sank the sentences deep in my sore throat…
she laughed because she thought I was exaggerating when I said I love her more than anything and anyone even the baby…but it was the truth…she is the life and the love manifested in a person.
We visited the doctor and my mom was examined and asked to do some tests and a mammogram.
I went with her every step of the way…I saw the cold two steel poles pressing against her breast trying to detect what’s in it…and I held her hand afterwards and prayed more than I ever prayed, that nothing horrible would turn out.
The doctor again examined the test results and advised that an operation should be done to get a specimen of the lump as the mammogram alone failed to prevail the nature of the lump.
Fear accompanied me all the way…every minute of waiting for a result to show and every minute of waiting for the surgery to take place.
My sweet beautiful tiny-figured mom had the operation, the specimen was taken and examined…And the report was long…I couldn’t wait to go to the doctor with it, I had to read it…first paragraph identified a grayish substance forming a lump in the left breast. As I read this sentence I couldn’t see more words as I pictured a grayish monster trying to take my mom away from me…I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes out of their tears and continued reading the second paragraph…examination proved that the grayish substance is in the mild stage and it was removed completely and no further hazard could be detected.
I jumped up and down and kissed every reachable kissable part of my mother and thanked god faithfully and sincerely for saving “my life”
Yet, I had to hear it from the doctor…The doctor congratulated my mom for seeking medical help on the very early stage and before the lump turned into the malignant monster I pictured.
The doctor advised my mom to lead a healthy life, take care of her nutrition and take it easy…
Later that night I kissed my mom goodnight, held my new born baby close to my heart and wished for him to love me one fraction of the love I feel towards my mother.
She mentioned the grayish substance again and I pictured a grayish heavy cloud that hovered above us, made is run chaotically like the lost, ache deeply with pain from fear, rained and showered us…then disappeared.
Don’t take your health lightly…cherish life…and treasure those who love you.
I don’t know why i wrote this down…just a gut feeling.
ربما تحرير العينين من كُحله …طيُه بيدين من حرير…إسكانُه دفء خِزانة عزيزاً..هو أكثر أنواع الترك طُهراً…
وربما الإستمرار فى تقبيل ثنياته مع كل شهيق متهدج هو أطهر القُبلات على الاطلاق…
المهم..النقاب لم يعد غريباً…لم يعد مخيفاً…لم يعد مُقصياً…
فنحن من نصنع الأشباح..لإحتياجنا للخوف…
الخوف من طيه..او الخوف من تقبيله..
ففى الحالتان..تتكشف نفوسنا!ا
كانت ترتدى عباءة سوداء ..طويلة..ساترة..كثيفة..تخفى تحتها الوان زاهية..وأنوثة رائعة…
كانت ترتدى عباءة سوداء..مثل كثيرات..يرتدين العباءة..وربما النقابم..ثل نساء إتخذن العباءة ستراً عرفتهن فى حياتى..وكنت منهن..
ولطالما خاف الناس من السواد..من النقاب..من الإختلاف..صنعوا خوفهم فى أذهانهم…وعاشوا..وعشن
وإمتدت أيدى..لتضرب..وتكشف وتُعرى وتمتهن وتهين وتزدرى وتقتل شيئاً ما فى أذهانهم..وشيئاً ما فى أرواحهن…لكن
ما إنكشف حقاً ليس عورات ولا لحم ولا الوان مستترة..ما انكشف حقاً وتعرّى هو الجانى المَهين الضعيف المتخاذل المائع اللا إنسانى المُحطم المزدى وهو أحق أن يُزدرى
عجباً لمن تعرى فاستتر..وإن خلع فهو خلع خوفاً وهمياً فى أذهان الناس فبات رفيقاً يُحترم
وعجباً لمن عرّى ففضحه رجسه وفجره
وعجباً لما يحدث فى العقول من نقلات..تُعيِن على الأمخاخ أمراء فى يوم..وتقصيهم منفى الذكريات فى ثانية
وعجباً لما يمكن أن يفعله مقدار متراً من القماش…فقط عندما نسمح له
All my life i dread airport..planes..goodbyes and travelling.
My father used to travel a lot and used to take me to the airport so he could see me till the very last-minute.
Those last minutes before the departure…my stomach would ache…i would experience anxiety too close to fear…deep sorrow…and agonizing loss…i would cry 30 minutes before he left and 30 minutes after he’s gone…
When i used to travel with him i used to feel exactly the same that i’m leaving my mother plus extra pain that i am such a “nadla” for leaving her alone.
I’ve been raised that loving parents don’t leave their kids and travel unless there’s a true emergency…I’ve been raised to enjoy other countries but always stay in love with my country…I used to feel home sick the minute i step foot in a plane heading to europe or else…I am emotional…I get attached…and the longest i spent away from my kids was two days. Not only because they need their mother…not only out of responsibility…but out of love…when you love someone you hate and dread leaving…with kids its more hurting…to leave the very precious part of yourself…the most precious in life…
Why am i writing about this? I am because i feel extreme home-sickness because there’s a trip i have to take very soon…because there’s a chance I might relocate to a foreign country…a chance that anyone would see an amazing opportunity yet i feel extreme resistance towards.
I love every damn thing about egypt…good or bad…I have always seen beauty in it and its beauty even glowed more as i grow older.
My kids will be with me every second…but i fear for their safety…I want them as egyptian as can be…I realized, now, after being around Egyptians who have willingly chosen to immigrate abroad and who have lived there for tens of years and who have absorbed their culture and “damm” that i don’t want this “bliss”.
I don’t want the better life and better streets and better houses…I don’t want the western sense and way of life…i don’t want them not because i desire nothing better…I’m just scared…scared of losing my home, thus, my self in any la la land…
It is kind of ironic…how people who spend years and power to defuse their entity and be western and how people would die to keep the Egyptian skin tighter and closer.
Fear…fear of change…fear of the biggest risk of all…pure fear!
We were having sohour, I and my mother last night. she made us the greatest dish of foul ever (Fava beans)…it had nothing but a tbsp of zebda balady (home-made butter).
I took the first lo2ma…tasted good…but something was missing…it felt like it needed more butter..but the thought clinched my arteries and there was no way I could add any more even if it is yummy.
My mom felt the same but she said: ” it needs a pinch of salt!”
She added the salt and voila…the dish zabat!
And yes, this is a metaphoric post…and yes, our intense life issue that is missing something to sort out for us and suits our taste is in fact in need of a wake up call and a pinch of reality to really make good..then we could really enjoy.
More Huge heavy burdens might kill us…salts, on the other hand, may burn if sprinkled on wounds, yet guess what…IT HEALS!
How does cruelty form?
When you have no desire in someone…or satisfied your desire in someone and it’s over, your senses become numb towards them…you no longer breathe them…feel them…eagerly want them…seek their tiniest attention hungrily…so, your senses and hyper heart and urges to seek them gets muted!
It is then, when, they might have responded to you… felt you…gotten infatuated by you…
It is then, when, they feel pain and plea for your attention…and you’d be muted! numb! couldn’t care less! don’t give a damn about them!
They would lose sleep…they would feel pain all over them…they would feel saddend…they would lose their minds over you…and you’re not even aware.
They’d think you’re cruel…they’d regret feeling for you…they’d hate themselves they got that attached…they’d yearn for you…
and you’re muted…sensless…you’re cruel!
And broken hearts mend with much time and much healing.
And the table turns…the broken heart toughens…and seeks and gets numb and muted and hurts another.
Always happens…will always happen…and the pain we inflict will be inflicted upon us.
this is called love…this is what frightens me the most…this is what i refuse to embrace…
I refuse to get hurt by an eager heart who will change his mind and go numb on me.
I refuse to hurt someone’s heart and mute over them.
Hearts flip like a coin…Hearts pulse with life…and stop to their deaths…
Cruelty forms in the heart…side by side with love…
And no one appreciates the precious vibrant heart…no one!
Thursday 30th June
Live music…Piano…caressing, pressing on, pounding and dancing on the keys with his brilliant fingers…the piano was black and grand…and the music revived my soul…took me away from life and up to the skies…I breathe…I, then, breathe…then suddenly and by an odd chance I was exposed!!
I knew it was time…
Friday 1st July
Morning: Surrounded by many colleagues…watching a scene from a movie as part of the studying process: and there it was…music…a guitar that screamed on the sidewalk…a talent disclosed…and she joined him on the piano…he was humming the tunes…she was playing them…he was guiding her through the notes…and she was following his melody…and i had him in my head sitting their…on the black grand piano…humming tunes and guiding me into playing them…then we sing together…and he’d smile i get the tunes…and he’d smile when I harmonize…
a girl from the group looked at me…smiled…and said: does it remind you of something?
And I couldn’t hide the sting that evoked many soundless tears to flood from my eyes…quietly i left my seat to head to the bathroom…no one noticed me but my best friend…the bathroom was busy so i stood at the end of the hall…facing a tiny window overlooking the empty street and a dull tree…and i breathed him out…with many tears…hearing the couple from the movie still playing and still singing and hearing my heart still weeping but i choked on the sounds…my tears are silent…soundless crying…and i cried…cried…and cried…till the tears stopped on their own…I managed to wash my face…and faned it with my hands dry…and went back to my seat hoping my eyes are tearless…my pain over missing him at that very moment inserted a sharp pin in my heart…and it wouldn’t go away…
Friday 1st July
Afternoon: A boat in the nile…amazing breeze…kids that look older at that very moment…many years have passed…and i worry…I worry about them…
the boat turns…the smoke from my cigaret blows towards them…so i stop smoking…and i wish i could smoke…my mind was worrying over my kids…my heart was missing a beat…a certain beat i only know of…again…should i be grateful i had a long time-out from that beat? should i be grateful i have it now?
The Serenity of the emptiness was good while it lasted…
Here i am…slightly slightly aching again…living again…here…i…am…
Saturday 2nd July
Noon: the circle felt complete…I felt the belonging…the secure belonging…despite being conscious and putting myself out there in front of them…i know i have the guts many people don’t have…so i might as well enjoy it…act upon it…and trust them…
I trust them…I trust it…it…that ties me to that grass and to that breeze that blew through my hair…to that sky…to it…that spirit…
I feel WHOLE there…and M’s eyes always hug me…always…always…all i have to do is look at her…when i’m confused…in pain…scared…uncomfortable…M’s look hugs me…and i…I AM…I AM there…on that spot on that day at that time holding that book…I BE.
Noon: I know what I’m good at…I know what i want…will pursue it wholeheartedly!
Saturday 2nd July
Night: The market was so so crowded i could barely hear myself thinking: why the heck have i come here to shop on a SATURDAY?!
Mom was smiling…we were walking inside and each had a kid in her hand…a kid who wanted to pull his/her hand away and walk freely…but we wouldn’t let them…too crowded…too damn crowded and we have nothing but those kids…we love…LOVE LOVE those kids and we LIVE for those kids…we wouldn’t let go…
I looked at her and said:
– “I need a break”
– “aren’t you having one already -ya nasaba”, and she laughed.
– “Not really…attempts only…i need to set my self free…”
– “entaleqy ya bent elmontaleqa “, she laughed again and nodded that she understands…then she made something with her hand -while still smiling- like flipping a burger on a grill.
– “No…Idon’t believe that would happen to me…other things may cause that…I harm no one…I am a good person”
– “yes you are”
we didn’t talk again…but as we reached home she gave me that piercing look that contained: take care of yourself…i’m scared over you…and i understand, all at the same time.
I looked away…didn’t say a word…end of story!
Sunday 3rd July
Very early in the morning: No need to be smart to get it! it’s obvious!
Still naive? Is it a bad thing after all?
Well…I feel every emotion and speak every word SO sincerely…and that is so rich and so valuable…no one and nothing would ever rob that away from me.
Rational I gotta be…and mature as I know I can.
Watermark: Breathless…restless…focused…trembling…strong…emotional…sincere…defensive and slightly slightly in pain…some say I’m vulnerable these days…well…I am a tough gal…so, all combined,,,,I’ll be ok.