1.5 gm of sedative

Listening to the zafeer ensemble (featured in my Music Box…please tune to it before reading this) took meآ back to every walk i took alone in a winter night in a place i never beenآ  before…

I felt that in different cities in Egypt and abroad but I remembered that walk i took in Paris several years ago…


Enjoying the winter cold with a few drops of rain…slightly scared of walking alone and getting lost…feeling lonely and wishing if i were hand in hand with someone i haven’t met yet…knowing the Parisian flavor running in my senses yet oriental to the core…smiling at the Algerianآ trio who were playing some music similar to this …they don’t feel my existence yet i know they needed my francs…the pavement was their stage and they looked like they bonded with the sky some how…great music they played, the sax , drums and guitar…I walked away thinking of their story…wondering…I thought of my story and for a second i felt furious that no one felt me…i wished someone would stop me and ask me to tell my story…the universe felt so big and i felt so tiny but again each one relates in this life as if he’s the universe…as if he’s bigger than life it self when really we play by its rules…the beats of the drums are the beats of every heart in this world…the strings of those guitars are each vein in each bodyآ vibrates pain and joy…and when the music pauses a life ends and when the violin starts to sound sad…another life is born…and each one of us tries to make a note…a high pitched flawless tune to signify his unique existence…sad enough the universe doesn’t care about my singing…not until the lack of love fades away into the ultimate human harmony i seek…and you seek…

The need is continuous…the need of someone with a pounding heart to warm your heart and your bed…it’s how we are made…needy of the other spirit that fills the void of our spirit…just like we need steamy delicious mouth watering bundles of joy called food to fill the void in our stomach…


I approach the hotel and i could hear my own heavy breath and the echo of my foot steps…but again i could hear a couple more feet steps behind me…the adrenalin goes up…I’m scared to look back so i walk faster and the hotel sign by the end of the street seem so distant…i feel theآ can of mace in my pocket as i hear a couple of menآ speeding to come closer…i look back to see them whispering to each other and laughing while they were looking at me and coming closer….i reach the hotel to find the door locked with thick iron bars that i didn’t see before….i waved at the guy at the reception and he came smiling towards the door…i look behind my shoulder to see the guys smiling and waving at me with words i couldn’t hear but i got the meaning…they knew i was scared so they were just teasing me and finally they said : bonsoir belle!


I laughed nervously trying to control my breath as my heart was pounding so hard…the receptionist finally pressed on a button and the iron bars went automatically up and the door was opened…i asked him in English…why was that for?? he said that the police station informed them that tow burglars were on the run….My mouth dropped and i said : but we’re in the heart of Paris and the champs eleses is a few steps away…this is a great neighborhood…he answered: that’s irrelevant….would you like me to order you some hot chocolate?

I smiled and said: yes thank you…I’ll be having that in the garden right by the pool…

I walked to a nice spot…sat down and looked up to the sky…it wasآ very dark blue as the silver shades of the moon glittered it…I thought of god and i started speaking to him a silent talk…with my eyes gazing at a star above that shined next to the moon…i rested my head back on the chair and thought:

You see and know all what is happening from me and to me…you gave me a chance after a chance…you saw the nights i spent dancing and the nights i spent crying and praying to you…i didn’t forget you while i was dancing ..i just chose to ignore a certain feeling…you know what no one else knows and what i can’t admit and most of all what I’ve chosen to forget…you know what will happen to me…but, you know i love you…i fear you but i love you…I know where i go wrong…i know the right and i choose to ignore it and sin…but i know you have mercy and tolerance to give me one more chance each and every time i fall…do i deserve to go to hell?? do i deserve to go to heaven?? is it scary to not live anymore…not to exist…not to be?? is it a silent end…is it full of fire and screams…would it matter if i say that I DON”T WANNA DIE??

I’ve been touched by your blessings and I’ve been showered by your mercy and once i was full of faith then again i was once dehydrated from any glimpse of realization of faith…but i love you and i run to you with my heart if not with my prayer when I’m happy or terrified…


The hot chocolate comes and i hold the cup with both hands striving for some warmth …

I keep hearing the tunes played by the Algerians i saw down the street minutes ago…i wish i gave them more francs for the beautiful music i still enjoy…I wish i could go out again and walk again and wonder about the stories untold in every passing eyes…i wish i could find someone to tell my story to…I’m not the universe toآ the worldآ …but I’m still mad no one is there to fill the void in my heart…


Dancing in the dark..

I stumbled into that song the other day..know it?!! that oldie of Bruce Springsteen..


The sentence stopped me though..

Imagine dancing..having so much fun..but in the dark..

Where you can’t see clearly..or see nothing at all..

Alone or with friends..darkness surly hides things..

And hidden stuff is what i fear most..that darkness of what is coming for you..good or bad?? keeps a lightened question that glows in your eyes..could freeze next steps..could make you panic to the extent that you’d jump right into the darkest hole..just to cut the fear with the sharpest knife..

People and feelings..thoughts and thinking along with actions are so strange..no pattern can draw them to a safe map..where you’d stick to a wall and support your soul..shoulder glued to a fence..NO WAY..

It’s just too complicated than that..as simple as you’d think..

we tend to look at others and believe what we see..picture perfect families..or even what we think is bad and tricky..but the truth is..nothing..and i mean NOTHING is quiet as it seems..

As for me..I have to say I’m living the time of my life..i feel alive..but god only knows why do i feel scared..

May be because..I’m dancing in the dark!

Jasmine night

originally uploaded by
And again..
Wewent to our fav. cafe..that very famous egyptian one..Elfishawe..
Me and
Enoآ manage to extract laughs just from each other’s company..we are so relaxed and outgoing together..regardless of all our headache issues..
We are the kind of friends that would like the same stuff and finish each other’s sentences..
And our nice night completed when we met summer again at the cafe..
We found
summerآ and her husband kindly waiting for us..they were in the middle of the most crowded place in cairo..this historical..authentic and ancient cafe..where a thousand people are gathered in a one meter wide long lane..
There were no om kolthoum songs this time..only the apple scented smoke of the sheesha and the little tea pots..and people from all nationalities hanging out..sitting so close that you can count the hairs in thier 2afa:D:D

WE talked and laughed and i really felt even closer to summer ..i was so relaxed and enjoyed my time to an unbelievable extend..she so fresh and caring and the brightness in her eyes give you hope and even..power to live the moment fully aware and alert..
Mo7amed her husband gave us those lovely jasmines..we put them as bracelets..i can still smell them..as there smell and the sheesha’s added charm to the whole theme..
I think it’s great to appreciate little sweet..special things..
And i think it’s even greater to appreciate sweet people that are willing to embrace you in thier lives as a friend..
Unfortunatly we didn’t stay long..and the goodbye in the parking lot was aching to me..i was about to shed some tears when i thought…no girl!! she’ll think you’re silly!!
I loved you summer..very much and i’m soooooo lucky that i’ve met you..
And when ever i’d see jasmine or smell it…i’ll remeber our sweet jasmine night..
Thank you..

10th of Ramadan 1973

10th of ramadan 1973
10th of ramadan 1973,
originally uploaded by rasha/caller.
Tomorrow is the tenth of Ramadan…
The anniversary of the Egyptian victory of the 1973 war against Israel..
On that day..our soldiers were fasting…they were fighting for the first time by the name of Allah..the word allah akbar never left their hearts as they prepared to one of the greatest wars in history..tactics and strategical wise..
Along with Syria..the country that bonded with Egypt for years as one ..
Both countries planed the whole thing strategically and they taught Israel very tough lesson that they will never forget till this day..When they crossed the canal and conquored the israeli myth!!
Egypt is celebrating..cause that day was our last acquaintance with pride until now…but hey..I’m not focusing on that now…I’m saying jazakom allah kheer for all the brave devoted fighters that lived to see the 33rd anniversary of it and may Allah reward you with the highest grade in paradise for the brave fighters that sacrificed their souls for Allah and their country.

I Remember you..

originally uploaded by rasha/caller.

Are you tired?
Are you asking allah for strength?
I remember you..

The war is somehow over and you made us all proud and honored..you gave us faith in our ability as muslims..
You achieved victory and pride for us..
Not because it has cooled that i’d forget you..
No..i don’t..
Blessed ramadan..may allah grant you more power and wit and strength..you are the hope..what allah gave us to feel our dignity again..
Ramadan mubarak skeikh hassan..allah ye7fazak.


It has been a while..a long while..

My backstage memories are starting to fade now that i have been away for some time now!!

But i was talking about a party with a friend of mine so i remembered a couple of gigs i attended before…bezamanaaaaaaaaat:):)




آ There are several types of parties when it comes to celebrities..

Regular: birthdays..engagements..weddings..


Mostly won’t differ much than ordinary parties that we all know of…except maybe for the fact that some female artists like to celebrate her birthday four times a year!!!

Why??..why not??!! with all the gifts..fun..supervised business deals that take place on a side table..which she can get a decent percentage of …just a thin slice of the cake!!


Irregular: and these take place in hotel royal suits..or country houses..or public night clubs..

Hotels usually hold gatherings of a weired kind..at least to me..

I never knew why would a gulf oilman or prince or even princess..would make their foriegner secretaries to call movie stars and singers to hangآ  with them..then would give each star an envelope full of u.s bills!!



Country houses would witness original kind of parties..too original..That type i only heard of from relyable sources..i could never understand why?!!!


Night clubs would close it’s doors to ordinary customers and host the prince and followers only…and that is so weired..cause naturally he’d expect a special treatment regarding everything…right at the night club.!!.


Some times i would see pictures of artists that i’ve always thought that they are so respectable due to their age..or the type of roles they take…but i would see one having two women on his lab and hardly holding his liquer!!

And i would be shocked..that once i was told: Don’t you get shocked too much?!


I would never forget two parties that took place around the swimming pool of a grand hotel!!


One wasآ  celebrating the birthday of the husband of a well known show girl..retiered now..

Girls would stand in line to kiss the man..he looked so good but he was so short,i had to go and pass by the human gate they made at the pools entrance..i was all red and confused..i had to pass him but i won’t do what others do gladely..

His wife was a friend of mine from younger age..she saw the embaressment in my eyes as i skipped my roll each time i get closer…i was about to leave when she called:

Rasha..come..pass by me…i know you won’t do like those tramp!!

I gave her a big hug..she was nice..and years after..she proved to a lot of people that she’s not a bad person as all people thaought of her..


Second was also aآ  birthday..a royal princess held that party for that new singer..not super star ..dude..he was her friend!!!!

his gift was a brand new mercedes and he kept bragging that she took him to italy and bought him italian suits ..that she spent over a quarter of a million dollars on it!!

He was so so cheesy..i happened to be passing by the rest room when i saw him blow drying his hair in a girlish way…yuck>>he repeated that for more than six times during the party..

his 20 years older than him,princess didn’t mind at all that he kept flirting with all the girls in place..


Look..They have tools to make the best parties..to have the greatest fun ever…but i swear..i never felt that they had real fun..or laughed from the heart..

It always looked like a big act..and there is one true feeling i always had..it felt as if one would become possesed by evil spirits..that makes you want to do anything wrong!!!1

anything…maybe the atmosphere..i don’t know what it is…but i doubt that someone would walk out of such parties clean..

Would any??!!



I’ll give you this rose if ..


this rose is yours if you’dآ ask allah to bless my family..if you’d pray for my father..if you’d do do3aa for me and all muslims to maintain our faith and be guided..

you’ll have my rose and my do3aa if you’d pick up the phone and ask about your old friend..you’ll earn the love of allah if you’d love someone just for allah..if you’d visit someone just for allah..cause for you and me ..that allah the great named himself the mercifull..

Bring me to life

It’s an evanescence song..

Imagine feeling this way..that someone else brings you back to life..

Imagine how emotions can make someone that essential..that vital..that’s some one’s giving and affection is that critical to your sense of existence..

It’s hard right?

But it happens..when your soul becomes that dependant..

Mind says it’s wrong..not practical enough..not straight..well yeah it’s true..

It’s better to be by the other side of the river when you make that affect on others and it’s better to keep your feet dry while others drown to win a glance ofآ recognition from u..

Strange concept and stranger feeling..that’s life..some people take the lead…even in emotions..that’s why they sing the feeling..the ache of need..the strive for approval.

We look people in the eye and say strongly..no..it’s supposed to be this and that but the truth is that..matters of the heart are so beyond comprehension and control..

When you wait for a voice..a word..a single phone call or a touch..just to bring you back to life!!