Madness

When darkness is seen as broad daylight

When harm is seen as sheer delight

When truths are only repeated lies

When myths reform into cries

 

Day dream all you want poor mind

you are alone, detained, collapsed yet can find,

sweet logic against a sort of madness, one of a kind

sweet reality…broken melody…echoes defined

 

you fall weak to your knees

can’t bear to stand, or run…you just freeze

can’t bring a stream to the scream to release

Ache and more ache pulse in ease

 

create a hurricane of words and tunes

swirling up to the seventh sky..forming dunes

lay onto the ground…magnify the ruins

sleep into the earth…restrain your doings

 

Madness will sink you down

Laughs will burn you up

Delusions will eat you alive

hurt will track your mind

 

for…nothing changes

crazy wishes can’t change them

million trials can’t bring them

crying and wallowing and giving can’t cure them

 

Madness is seeing the pit and choosing the fall

Madness is losing one bit what you know is whole

Madness is sewing the silkiness of a wall

Madness is you…loving…who can never be all

Madness is believing the lies and stall

Madness is forgiving sins and meeting run with crawl

Madness is giving big and never even taking small

Madness is desiring at night and by day appal

Madness is breaking airless rooms with a cry..a call

Madness is unpinning what you spent years to install

Madness is the GOOD you…out of control.

Home and beyond

All my life i dread airport..planes..goodbyes and travelling.

My father used to travel a lot and used to take me to the airport so he could see me till the very last-minute.

Those last minutes before the departure…my stomach would ache…i would experience anxiety too close to fear…deep sorrow…and agonizing loss…i would cry 30 minutes before he left and 30 minutes after he’s gone…

When i used to travel with him i used to feel exactly the same that i’m leaving my mother plus extra pain that i am such a “nadla” for leaving her alone.

I’ve been raised that loving parents don’t leave their kids and travel unless there’s a true emergency…I’ve been raised to enjoy other countries but always stay in love with my country…I used to feel home sick the minute i step foot in a plane heading to europe or else…I am emotional…I get attached…and the longest i spent away from my kids was two days. Not only because they need their mother…not only out of responsibility…but out of love…when you love someone you hate and dread leaving…with kids its more hurting…to leave the very precious part of yourself…the most precious in life…

Why am i writing about this? I am because i feel extreme home-sickness because there’s a trip i have to take very soon…because there’s a chance I might relocate to a foreign country…a chance that anyone would see an amazing opportunity yet i feel extreme resistance towards.

I love every damn thing about egypt…good or bad…I have always seen beauty in it and its beauty even glowed more as i grow older.

My kids will be with me every second…but i fear for their safety…I want them as egyptian as can be…I realized, now, after being around Egyptians who have willingly chosen to immigrate abroad and who have lived there for tens of years and who have absorbed their culture and “damm” that i don’t want this “bliss”.

I don’t want the better life and better streets and better houses…I don’t want the western sense and way of life…i don’t want them not because i desire nothing better…I’m just scared…scared of losing my home, thus, my self in any la la land…

It is kind of ironic…how people who spend years and power to defuse their entity and be western and how people would die to keep the Egyptian skin tighter and closer.

Fear…fear of change…fear of the biggest risk of all…pure fear!

 

الإيمان بالثورة وعيون الثوار

إنه تماماً مثل شرح حلاوة الإيمان لمشكك/رافض وجود واجد الإيمان…أن تحاول شرح الدافع وراء المخاطرة والجهاد والمثابرة والبذل من أجل تحقيق عدل وحرية ..ومحاولة إعاشة حق يكاد أن يختنق…من المستحيل الشرح او الوصول لقلب ملئه صدأ…إلا إن شاء الله..فتخر ساجداً وقلبه يملؤه الألم وتدعى…اللهم فهمنا الحق وزلل عقبات كل قلب آسن…ورقق إدراك مُسفهى دعاة الحرية…وكبّل إيدى المجرمين الطغاة

بالأمس واليوم تسائلت كثيراً من أين يأتى الآسنون بقسوة القلوب التى تمكنهم من التجريح فى الثورة والسخرية من الجرحى والقتلى…أهم جزءاً من طغيان فرد الأمن الذى يصوب بندقيته تجاه مصرى فقط ليمتثل لأمر أو ليحمى متجبر؟

فهم يرون الحق فى إستجداء الرحمة من داهسى الرقاب…ويرون الحرية فى إتباع صامت أعمى لأى فتات يُرمى الى شعب طليق…ويرون القمع تهذيب وإصلاح…فهم الخائفون من زوال بركة المال الحرام…وهم الخائفون من معنى لم يعهدوه…معنى أخذ الحرية…طعم الحرية…طعم الكرامة

وتذهب أعين المناضل وتتصفى عن آخرها…فيلقى بالضمادة ويسارع ليحمل عينه الأخرى قبساً من نور…نور لا يراه الكثيرون من ذوات الأعين الثاقبة…فبليل طويل ملئته الدموع…سهروا معنا هم ليصفعوا الدموع

وأرى بعينى وأسمع بأذنى المجرّحون…المهينون…الكافرون بالحق والعدل وهم يمزقون المعانى السامية ويمزقون آلام الجرحى ويمزقون جثث القتلى وكأن جراحهم وموتهم لا يكفى لشفاء غليلهم…غل العاجز المتواطىء…غل المجرم المعانق جلادين إجرامه…غل الخانع المتخاذل الجبان

وتتعاظم معاصى وتتضائل خيرات…ويسبح كل إنسان وسط أمواج تعين روحه

فذا الروح المُحلقة فى سماء الحق والعدل والحرية…يتعالى على الإزدراءات ولا يترك وجهته وهدفه…وذا الروح العطنة يغرق فى المآسن فيزيد مرارة وحنقاً ورفضاً لشمس ساطعة…شمس لن تبخل عليه بدفئها يوماً ما بعد أن ينتهى الصراع…فهو ما زال…ابن أرضها 

I smile

I don’t know what it is that makes me peacefully and quietly smile as i think of what passed in pale shades and think of what might come in delightful pastel colors…

Maybe it’s the winter…

Maybe it’s the year that is ending and the new one that is promising…I have a long list of goals to right down on new year’s eve.

Maybe it’s me…being in solitude…self assessing…and feeling value crawling to my soul just like those many grey hairs that are moon lighting my hair.

I can see, tonight, as i smile to the night and sip from my hot cup, I can see what “it” worth…not what “it” cost…

What it holds…not what it abandons…

What it builds…not what it shatters…

I go out to the balcony and i breathe deeply inhaling the cold crispy air into my semi clean lungs and i feel sprinkles of freshness within…so i smile…

And a new idea of a new dream sparks in my mind like an ever glowing star and i feel young and excited and fulfilled…just like receiving the sweetest surprise…and i smile…

I am glad and grateful and humbled that I live…fully…that i hurt…fully…and enjoy my simple magnificent joys…fully…that i love with every bit of my being deeply and fully…that i know how to start…and know when to end…how to experience and experement…fully…that i give fully…and rebel when i am deprived of what i fully deserve…that soul matters and “things” don’t…that i don’t settle…and don’t lie helplessly and take it!

I am glad I know how to scream…how to dream…I am glad passion never fails me…never leaves me…only lights my path and accepts my heat…

I smile…to the minute it all ends and i feel that is sooner than one might think…I smile…Fully.

أحاسيس مؤجلة

كل أحاسيسى مؤجلة

لحين البت فى أمر ومسألة

أحاسيس ندم وظلم ..بُتِروا بمقصلة

حرف..سال حبره..فبصم نقشه بملزمة

كل حساباتى مؤجلة

لحين صدق..لحين صحوٍ ومرحمه

لحين وقت تبدُل دفّات الحياة

حياة من؟ يبقى سؤال ومفهمه

كل سعاداتى مؤجلة

أعرف ذلك حين أنظر لشمس المغيب

أعلم أن لى وحدى..انا..مقدار لن يغيب

أعلم علماً يقتصر على خيالٍ معيب

كُل إصداراتى  مؤجلة

حتى أعود..هل أعود؟؟

هل سأخبو بين جِفنّى نيلى السعيد؟

هل سأفرح بمَدّ موج بعيد؟

هل سأُطَوِقُ يدىّ بياسمين زهر جديد؟

هل سأبنى وتنبنى بعدى  أشراق حب مديد؟

كل خفقاتى مؤجلة

حتى أعرف لماذا وكيفما

حتى أغفو من كل قلبى..فقلما

عرف الكرى عنوان مُقلة روحى..حيثما

طال السهر..طال النظر

لنسج أوراق الشجر

لحلم بات واندثر

لعطر فاح وانتثر

لقدر يرفع سمواتى للسماوات

لإيحاء وتفصيل بأن الماضى فات

لحوارات كَلمها نجمات

لاشباعٍ من صدق و حرية وإلتفات..

لنضج يفوق الخيال و الذكريات..

لاحتواء براءة و مُجُون..

لفهم كل رائع مجنون

كل حساباتى مؤجله..

كل سعاداتى مؤجله..

حتى استبيح آيات و مساجد..

حتى اجد كتفا لى لاصق..لله ساجد..

حتى اعرف من أين أمد يدى لامسح دمعى الغزير..

حتى اروى عطش قلبى لقربى من الكبير..

حتى اعود..

بل ساولد من جديد..

سأدنو لا خوفاً من وعيد…

سأرنو الى دفء الحميد..

توبة اليك ربى

قرب يمحو كل دربى..

حب يبدل كل ذنبى..

أُنس بك ربى..

ينقى قلبى..

ينقى قلبى..

Cairo Winter

The burning sun cools a bit…the fuming dust rests a bit…night noise tones down a bit…

My skin likes smooth fabric covering it heavier bit by bit…hot drinks are favored a bit and ice melts goodbye…

Walks are longer and more frequent…outings are earlier…nights are lonelier…and mornings are louder and busier…

I meet my winter…for i have grasped my first breath in December and it was chilling cold i bet…

I meet my winter and i miss Cairo winter…when streets sparkle at night and its yellow lights bring me moral warmth…

In winter i notice the fuming sweet potato carts by the Nile and the smoking hot Huge pots of spicy chickpeas waiting for a cold couple to hold it’s hot cups and laugh over the heat of the chili meeting their cold teeth…

In winter i notice Cairo lights falling on the dark waters of the Nile painting a thousand paintings of Cairo night colors…

Coats and Shawls hug people intimately and encourage them to leave their warm beds and breathe in winter nights clean air…

My winter is about movies and poetry and the occasional ride with a loved one under Cairo preciously rare rain…

It’s the mild quiet announcement that another year will be gone forever…that another set of dreams need to be written and wholeheartedly wished for…and that a list of heartaches need to be torn away to a long gone farewell…

I love Cairo winter…I love my winter…

Elections drag queens

The first parliament elections after the revolution should be a liberating very exciting experience for me…as giving my vote, now, should make me feel ecstatic since democracy “is” being practiced politically in my country now on a new wider scale.

But…I don’t feel this way…I don’t feel the democracy in the air after we fought away a corrupt regime…I feel confused and here’s why:

– The new age politicians and the new representatives of the public who are running for seats in the parliament are mostly from the old faces we’ve seen for years and who were in total cooperation with the old government…few new faces appeared…faces that have no experience and doing no publicity so i have no idea what are their agendas or what they are capable of.

– incidents of violence and killing distracted/consumed us during the last few months that proper preparation for the elections were not made.

– the way the fundamentalists and the Muslim brothers are gathering themselves so powerfully and organized is actually freaking me out…I do not believe in a religious political party…I think it defies the religious aspect and messes the political life…yet, I accept their representation as a democratic aspect…but in the absence of equal powers to sustain the balance…i am worried.

– Many of the candidates sound and seem like drag queens…they over do wanting to sound “politicians” while they only make me either laugh or feel sick :S

My dilemma now…I don’t have many names that fulfill my political needs so i can go there and vote for them…I need hard home work and research to find a couple of names who are worthy of representing me in the new era Egypt is starting.

My needs as a single working mother.

many discourage me saying that i shouldn’t bother as it will be a messed up situation in Egypt anyway…I refuse to think so…as, I have no asset in life now but passion and hope!