It was when I first held my new born baby, when I felt a stinging ache in my heart and my tears dropped on my breast as I fed him.
The ache was inflicted by a sudden enormous feeling of compassion towards my mother who, someday years ago, held me the same way and brought me close to her heart and fed me for the first time.
On that day my love for my mother multiplied a thousand times…I wanted to hold her, kiss her hands forever and thank her for loving me that much.
That much…as I loved those tiny fingers and those closed tiny eyes and that hungry little mouth reaching out to the unknown, instinctively, wanted to survive…wanting to be fed.
The compassion towards my mom made me forget any conflict I ever had with her…any suffering I ever had in my life…any pain I ever went through…All I felt was overwhelming strong storms of love towards her.
It was when I first held my new born baby, when I realized for the first time in my life the real meaning and function of having the physicality of a woman.
I realized that all the past recognition of my femininity was a fraction of the real reason behind that creation…That I wasn’t given something that looks nice in outfits and flatters my posture or has the function of pleasing a spouse; I was given a meaning to life…a way…a reason…the function.
When my baby held on to me, closed his eyes peacefully and starting filling himself with life…directly fom my life…i felt like my soul was floating…i closed my eyes and thanked god he made me realize the blessing of the bond between me and my new born…and the bond between my creation and him.
And it was days after I first held my new born baby, when my mom disclosed the fact that she found a lump in her breast.
The breast that I had started to realize its meaning…the source of life…the outside of the chest heart…
She was scared yet acting strong and collected, I panicked and was anything but collected…as I shivered, I started to call people I know for a doctor recommendation, and after getting a number or two my mom surprised me that she didn’t want to go to the doctor.
She thought she should wait for another few weeks because she wanted to take care of me and my new born baby…and again, she was being the woman who held her first new born in her hands…and again the multiplied love and compassion towards her ached and ached… my tears couldn’t be stopped and I begged her ” Mama, you just have to go and go now…this is your life…you are my life and you have to be fine…always…I need you to be fine more than anything in this whole world…I care for you more than anything and anyone, even the baby…I love you more than anything and anyone even the baby…please…we will go together to the doctor…we will!!”
She laughed as I hardly made sense as my shaky voice and many tears sank the sentences deep in my sore throat…
she laughed because she thought I was exaggerating when I said I love her more than anything and anyone even the baby…but it was the truth…she is the life and the love manifested in a person.
We visited the doctor and my mom was examined and asked to do some tests and a mammogram.
I went with her every step of the way…I saw the cold two steel poles pressing against her breast trying to detect what’s in it…and I held her hand afterwards and prayed more than I ever prayed, that nothing horrible would turn out.
The doctor again examined the test results and advised that an operation should be done to get a specimen of the lump as the mammogram alone failed to prevail the nature of the lump.
Fear accompanied me all the way…every minute of waiting for a result to show and every minute of waiting for the surgery to take place.
My sweet beautiful tiny-figured mom had the operation, the specimen was taken and examined…And the report was long…I couldn’t wait to go to the doctor with it, I had to read it…first paragraph identified a grayish substance forming a lump in the left breast. As I read this sentence I couldn’t see more words as I pictured a grayish monster trying to take my mom away from me…I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes out of their tears and continued reading the second paragraph…examination proved that the grayish substance is in the mild stage and it was removed completely and no further hazard could be detected.
I jumped up and down and kissed every reachable kissable part of my mother and thanked god faithfully and sincerely for saving “my life”
Yet, I had to hear it from the doctor…The doctor congratulated my mom for seeking medical help on the very early stage and before the lump turned into the malignant monster I pictured.
The doctor advised my mom to lead a healthy life, take care of her nutrition and take it easy…
Later that night I kissed my mom goodnight, held my new born baby close to my heart and wished for him to love me one fraction of the love I feel towards my mother.
She mentioned the grayish substance again and I pictured a grayish heavy cloud that hovered above us, made is run chaotically like the lost, ache deeply with pain from fear, rained and showered us…then disappeared.
Don’t take your health lightly…cherish life…and treasure those who love you.
I don’t know why i wrote this down…just a gut feeling.